Struggle Within

Well I guess you can say I've been fighting with myself lately. I don't know what the hell I want really. Inside me there is this battle, this struggle as to what I am, who I am, who I am supposed to be. Of course it is all kept within me for now, I show none of this to the outside world, but it is there. I speak of course of my body. It is male on the outside. I think right now that is the only part of my gender that I know to be what it is. Inside I have no idea. I really don't. Depending on my mood, things around me, people I'm talking to, inside it changes. However I've noticed recently that the inside tends to want to be female more often. I've been highly intrigued about the transformation process as of late. I look at my inside, then my outside, and wonder. Do they really match? For the first time ever I've been thinking I should have been born a girl. I know I would be extremely happy as one. I know I would feel comfortable as one. I know I could be one, I just know it. If there was some sort of pill I could take and I wake up as Isobelle, I would take it right now, without hesitation. But that's not how it works, and that is my biggest problem.

There is no insta-girl solution out there. Its long and involved, and expensive, and has surgeries. But as I think more about it, those are not what bothers me. It's the acceptance of it. The way others see me for who I am now and what I would love to be. It's how others would see me afterwords. Right now I am accepted for who I am, for the gender on the outside that I am. Outside of this internet world, no one knows about me wanting to be Isobelle. No one I know in real life knows, I have not told a soul. Problem is I don't think my family and closest friends would understand. Now I know what you are thinking, people are understanding if you just take the time and talk to them. I know, but I also know the people closest to me. I have seen them openly discriminate against transgender people, against gays and such. They make fun of men who would rather live as female. They are intolerant. I just don't think I could put myself through their hell by telling them of my desires.

I struggle very much dealing with this woman inside me. Sometimes I wish I could let her out and have her run my life, others I wish she would just go away and leave me alone. So I have come to the conclusion at this point that I have no idea what the future will hold for my body or insides. Its all the part if I ever have the courage to tell anyone. I know if I could move somewhere, away from everyone I know and if I had the money, I would change. But that is not gonna happen.

I guess it's good though that when I think about this, I don't get sad, or depressed or something. I just go into deep thought, or get aroused. Usually when I think about this, I write captions, or I look up porn and just envision myself as that girl in the porn. I am happy when I do this, it puts my mind in a state of pleasure. But there are times like this where I question, where I wonder...

Thoughts, comments, questions? Post 'em here or email me at isobellenichole@gmail.com

A Strange Day

So it's been a bit of a strange day for me today. On a whole, on the outside, the day was just terrible. I mean I just felt like the world was weighing me down and nothing seemed to go smoothly. It was just one of those days that the sooner it gets over with, the better. But on the inside, interesting things were going on. Things I never really felt before. It was so strange that these thoughts and feelings came on a day like this, and at the time they did too.

I was just going about my day at work, feeling down and a bit miserable. I was walking when out of no where something so amazing happened. It was a bit of a day dream, but it felt and looked as if it were real. For the few seconds that this so called day dream was happening I was so at peace, so happy, it was just WOW!

Okay, this is what happened. As I was walking an image came in my mind that looked so real. Like my eyes were open but all I saw was this image. I looked down to see myself naked, not as a guy but as a girl. I had that body that I so want, the smooth skin, the perfect tanned tone, everything. As I looked down past my breasts I could see my pussy. But that's not all I saw. Just beyond my pussy was a waiting cock. Hard and waiting to enter me. I let out a bit of a gasp as it moved toward me. I fucking felt it touch my pussy! A shiver came over my body as it touched my pussy. And then, ohhh my god, this was so amazing! I felt it enter me!!!! As the hardness slowly pushed into me, a warm pleasure flooded my body. It was a bit of numbness, but it felt warm and extremely pleasurable. I noticed I opened my mouth and moaned under my breath. I can't even put to words how awesome this felt. It was just so WOW!

But just as sporadically as this thought and image entered me, it left. I opened my eyes and there I was, still at work, still a guy. The strangest thing in this little day dream was that I did not become hard from it. Usually when I visualize myself as a girl getting something like that done to me, it makes me hard. Not this time. Yet I got immense pleasure from it. This is something that I've never experienced. I loved it though!! I fucking loved it.

Thoughts, comments, questions? Post them here or email me at isobellenichole@gmail.com

Thanks for reading. :)

I still question why...

I apologize for the lack of updates recently here. I started this blog with the intention of updating it more often, maybe once a week or so. But I have not. Real life things have taken priority over this. Things like re-kindling old friendships that have deteriorated over the years. It's not that I have lost any of these feelings that I have about being Isobelle, its just that they have been pushed off to the side for the time being. They are still there but I don't think about them as much. I don't know if that's good or bad. I mean I love having those thoughts, I love seeing myself as Isobelle, but also it is nice to just be happy with who you are, having people accept you for who you are. I don't know, I'm kinda torn over this. On the one hand I have who I am now in real life, a guy and decently happy with it, and in the other I have Isobelle, whom I would die to be and still have thoughts about being her. Like today I woke up thinking about myself as her. It was just a dream, but in it I was Isobelle. It wasn't anything sexual or of that nature, just me being her, having her body. I really loved it. I held on to that thought as long as I could without fully waking up. Then later in the day I was out doing some Christmas shopping and saw a girl at the mall wearing leather pants. I didn't think how hot she was, or how hot she looked in them, no. I thought how sexy Isobelle would be wearing them and that I would totally rock those as a girl. It's just so weird to me because I am a guy and have guy tendencies but whenever I see something or a person that reminds me of Isobelle, all I think about is being her. I am happy being a guy but would give it all up to be whom I see Isobelle as. I don't know. I still find it a bit strange, even though I have accepted these thoughts being there, that I see a girl who reminds me of Isobelle and I think how awesome it would be to be her. Most other guys would think about fucking her, I want to be her. I just don't really understand why. I don't think I ever will either, but I continue to question. Continue to explore...

Thoughts, comments, questions... Post 'em here or email me at - isobellenichole@gmail.com

What is an Isobelle?

So I've been a little obsessed with this one particular music video lately. Its not the lyrics, the music, the message behind it, it's the lead singer. She reminds me so much of how I envision Isobelle. Her body, her face, her attitude, even her voice all remind me of how I picture Isobelle in my mind. I think the only thing missing is tattoos. lol.

So yeah, the reason I watch that vid so much is because I just see myself being her. Looking like her, sounding like her, being a rockstar like that.

It took sometime before I realized what Isobelle looked like. I had to really sit and think of what my inner female looks like. I know now, and have known for a while, but it took a lot of thinking of my desires in who she is. In a lot of ways she is a female reflection of me right now on how I look. Isobelle has long, dark, wavy hair. I think she would be shorter than me right now though, like I would like to be 5'7"-ish. My body would be of average build. Not super thin though, I just can't see myself like that. I have put thought into her bust size and I can't quite make up my mind. It would either be D or DD. Both are super sexy and the models that I think remind me the most of Isobelle have either or. I think though if I had to choose right now I would go with D's, just because they might be easier to manage in everyday life.

As far as other things go with the body, I think this is where I really have developed who she is. Isobelle does have tattoos. Her arms would most likely be covered in them, maybe one or two on her stomach, some on her legs, but the ones that I do know for sure would be her back piece. I have thought this one out in great detail. On her back, the whole length of it, would be two wings. One wing an angel wing, to represent the innocence and good in people. The other wing, a dragon, or demon wing, to represent all the bad, the evil in people. Kinda like a yin and yang thing, only more metal. These wings also have another meaning, they would represent my personality, on the one hand I am a good person, a kind caring person. But I do have a wild side to me where I cut loose, be bad, be naughty. My angel wing is my good girl, my demon wing is my bad girl. I would also have piercings too. Aside from the typical I would also get my belly button, lip, tongue, maybe one down below, an eyebrow, and my nose.

When I really think about it, Izzy is just a metalhead chick. That's how she lives her life, for metal, just like I do now, so her look reflects that, as mine does now. Although as Isobelle I would be more daring in what I do to my body as far as piercings and tattoos, but the attitude would be the same. Like I said, I have put alot of thought into how Isobelle looks and in the end she really is a reflection of me if I were female.

Thoughts, questions, comments? Leave 'em below or feel free to email at isobellenichole@gmail.com I do respond to emails. :)

Rough Day

I had a really rough day today. Days like this make me really want to leave my male body behind and trade it in for the female one I desire.

My job requires a lot of physical labor, which I hate. I mean it is good in a sense because I have lost alot of weight because of it, but it gets me so damn worn out. I know, I know, find a new job. Believe me I am looking.

But because of this job I come home and just dream about being female, that if I were female I would not have to do all this tiring labor. That maybe if I were female, I may not even have a job at all, but be a wife by now. One who takes care of the house, the kids. And even if I did have a job it would prolly be less demanding on the body, less stressful... I don't know, wishful thinking I guess.

Days like this also make me just want to be a girl and crawl into my lovers arms and tell him all about my rough day. I want to put my arms around his neck and lean my head on his shoulder and just sit like this for hours. I just want some one to hold me and never let go. Sigh...

Right now in my state of mind I do not feel very male, I feel like my outside does not match the inside. Like if my body were female on the outside, it would match how I feel inside right now. Its very hard for me to explain this. I never tried explaining it before, I just know that right now I wish I was a girl. I would feel more like me, more like how my mind feels, if that makes sense. Its weird too because this is a case where I envision myself as a woman and am not turned on by it, I see that thought, that vision, that picture in my mind and think that is who I am, nothing sexual about it, kinda like that is the body I am supposed to have. Sigh...

So I am feeling tired and worn out and a bit depressed. My music is keeping me sane and will help me, as it always does. Tomorrow I will be better, but the thoughts stay. I'll wake up tomorrow, like every other time, and still wish to be a girl. I think about it alot on days like this and the memories linger into the next day. Sigh...

Thoughts, questions, comments? Post them below or feel free to email me at isobellenichole@gmail.com

Horny

I'm so horny right now. And as I sit here and think about it, I wonder... Why? Why is it that I get horny over the things that I do? I mean, isn't a guy supposed to get off thinking about a girl and fucking her, playing with her breasts, and her sucking him off?

Not me. I think about being that girl, doing those things to a guy. It gets me so damn hard! I don't get it. Why?

I'm sitting here thinking as I write this. Thinking of my body as the perfect woman's body in my mind. My breasts moving up and down as I breath heavy from feeling my pussy. My hand running over my wet pussy, pushing on it, pushing a small bit of my panties into it. I let out a moan of pleasure. I must do it, I must have something fuck my pussy! My other hand grabbing my breast. Ohhhh fuck...

I sit here, waiting. Waiting for my lover to come. I see him enter the room. I get on my knees, take off my shirt, followed by my bra. I crawl over to him on my hands and knees. I pull myself up his leg, feeling the bulge hidden by his pants. I put my small feminine hand over it. I feel it through the denim. I must have it! As I lick my lips sexily at him, my hands begin to release the thought of my desire from its denim cage. I pulled down his boxers and... Oh my god!!! Every time i see it... I can't believe my eyes how big it is. Ohhh. I am breathing really hard now as my desire takes over my body. With out taking my eyes off the hard cock in front of my I manage to take off my pants and panties. I was now naked, nothing on my body from preventing me from getting what I desire most at this moment.

My hands grasp the large cock in front of me and I pull myself towards it. I calm myself for just a moment, close my eyes and envision all I want to do. My hands squeeze tighter as a rush of warm pleasure floods my body. I open my eyes and kiss the tip of the object in front of me. Mmmm, pre-cum. Already so close my lover? My eyes look up to him as I begin to take his cock in my mouth. My tongue finds its way around the head, licking it, tasting it. I take my hands off the cock and place them on my lovers stomach and sides. I then begin moving my mouth up and down the length of my lovers cock. Mmmm, this is heaven right now. I move fast, then slow to a crawl, to savor the taste, then speed up again as I sense it is near. YES!! It is near! I keep moving, my lips pressing as hard as they can around the shaft. Then my body sends a shiver down my spine as the first spurt of cum hits the back of my throat. I close my eyes as I continue to suck hard. I want every bit of cum it has to offer me. When my lover has given me all he has to offer, I pull off of him, tilt my head back and show him my mouth full of his cum. With pure pleasure in my eyes I swallow. Ahhhh. I lick my lips clean, then my lover's cock.

I get up off my knees and go over to the bed and lie down on my back. I lay there, my head resting on some pillows, propped up to see my lover standing there watching me. My hand again moves to my pussy, caressing it, taunting my lover. I can see the lust for me take over his body as he takes off his clothes. I can feel my body reacting to the sight of my naked lovers body. It is lust that overcomes me as well. Fuck I want him in me. I want his cock fucking my pussy! I desire it, I need it, I crave it!

He sees me lusting over him and crawls up on the bed. He takes his large cock in his hands and puts it up to my waiting pussy lips. The anticipation is killing me. I look into his eyes and tell him to fuck me. Do it!! He smiles back at me as he begins to insert his hardness into me! Ohhhhh. As he moves deeper into me he leans over my body, my breasts pressing against his chest. He moves his head toward mine, I lift my head towards his and our lips meet in a kiss. The kiss lasts but a second but is burned in my mind as he pulls back, grabs my breasts and begins to fuck me! Thrusting, squeezing, thrusting, squeezing, thrusting! Ohhhh shit!! Thrusting more, faster, harder, deeper! Ohh god! I can feel him deep inside me, my body reacting to each thrust, each thrust building the pleasure within me. Then came the deepest of his thrusts so far. A sensation overcame my body as my first orgasm came. I let out a loud moan. My body went limp for a moment, heavy breathing turned into panting as I regained feeling. He was still at it. Thrusting away at my pussy. He was moving far faster now. I looked at his face and could tell he was close. A deep thrust, he paused, pushed as hard as he could against me, let out a moan of his own, and then thrusted as fast as he could. He was cumming! I could feel it. I could feel the warm cum filling me up inside! Fucking me as hard as he could during his peak I came again! This time the pleasure was greater and I let out a loud moan of satisfaction. My back began to arch upwards as the orgasm went through my body. My lover still filling me up with his seed. It felt like it lasted an eternity, there in my state of pleasure time seamed to move slowly. I wanted this feeling to last forever!

Sadly it did not last forever. When the wave left my body I collapsed back on to the bed. I was spent. My lover spent as well, he pulled his now sticky cock from me. I could feel cum leaking from my full pussy. I lay there, panting. I looked down at my body to see my breasts rising and falling with every breath. Perfect. It was all so perfect. Thank you my lover, thank you my Austin.

Well there you have it. A trip inside my mind when I'm horny. A little more thought out because I wanted to get sort of a story across, but the basis of it is what I think about. I still wonder why I think this way. I don't have a problem with it, I accept it and all, but I still wonder why.

Thoughts, comments, questions? Post em here or email me - isobellenichole@gmail.com

A Brief History of My Journey Thus Far

So I guess I’ll start this off officially by telling you a bit about myself. I don’t exactly know how or when I got into this stuff, but I think it was around ten years ago. I remember being fascinated by women’s clothes, fascinated on how they felt on me. Aroused by them. I remember that after some time of this I began to day dream about being a girl, having a very feminine body, wearing skin tight clothes and such. I was so turned on by these thoughts, even more so then when I was trying on clothes. For a couple of years this is how it was. Sneaking and borrowing clothes to try out and fantasizing about being a woman. Although at this point it was more fantasizing about just having the body and admiring it, nothing sexual at this point. I remember most of my fantasies were like me being a super heroine type thing, but still arousing to me.

Well after high school, when I entered into college, I discovered all the wonderful joys of the internet. Porn. This new found discovery fueled my interests and fantasies. My brain became addicted to the images. Soon I was taking some of these pictures I found and was photoshopping my face onto them. God that got me so hard at the time. This became my obsession. I would look for good pics to put my face into. I remember that before I deleted most of them, I had hundreds of these pics done. I loved it. I started out by using pics with fully clothed girl and slowly began to explore more and worked my way up to using nude photos. It was at this point I began to stockpile pics I liked and wanted to use. It was at this stage that I began to look at pictures of women and girls and not see the particular girl or woman in the picture, but rather looked at it and saw me being her.

The next step in my journey: the discovery of TG captions. I don’t know how I came across them, but I did. The first captions I came across were of the soft core nature, but they completely changed my imagination. They fueled my thoughts of being female. Captions really helped me better visualize being a girl. And while I still continued looking for images to put my face on, TG captions were my main focus. I loved reading them. Some I read over and over and over again. Captions became like a drug to me, an addiction. I would read them whenever I got the chance, to get that rush, that arousal.

It took some time, but slowly my tastes developed into the hardcore. At first it disgusted me. I mean I am a guy, and the thought of having another guy fucking me as I was a girl was just gross to me back then. I was grossed out by it, but for some reason some part of me wanted to read them. Disgust grew to curiosity to fascination to acceptance to desire. Desire to know what it really feels like. In all my journey thus far, nothing gets me more hard than reading a good hardcore caption, or seeing some porn of a girl getting fucked or giving a blow job and me imagining being her doing those things. I have an incredibly strong desire to be a girl and give a blow job, get my face covered in cum, and then have that guy fuck my pussy, filling it up with his seed. Fuck I wish I could experience that.

Then earlier this year I decided to open myself up to the world through the internet. Isobelle was born then. Making my own captions only further fueled my desires as I dove deeper into this side of myself. I love to make a caption by using my name in it. It just really gets me going, really makes me thing and want to experience everything in that caption. Especially the hardcore ones I make. When I write a caption, you are not just getting a story from me, you are getting a little slice of my fantasies, my desires, my wants.

It was these hardcore thoughts that made my curiosity of being female turn into a desire, a wanting to be female. Now at this point in my life I cannot see myself going through with changing myself. Maybe if the process was easier, cheaper, maybe. Also it’s the whole idea that I prolly could not look like how I see the female version of myself in my head. Besides, if I ever became a woman I would want to experience everything, including pregnancy. Right now I am still happy being a guy, so I wish for some kind of magic to help me live out this fantasy life inside my head. So until I discover some magic lamp or modern science and medicine improve to the point where I can become the woman in my mind, I will remain male. Don’t get me wrong though, it would be my first wish to be female if I ever found that magic lamp. And if science and medicine get to the point where I can be the woman I see myself as fully, I know that I would be one of the first to sign up.

Well there it is, a brief history of how I came to this point in my life in the TG world. Any thoughts? Questions? Comments? Post ‘em here or email me at isobellenichole@gmail.com

P.S. Thanks to everyone who is stopping by, thanks to those who have decided to follow this blog and thanks to everyone whom I have met so far in my journey and has inspired me, I love you all.

What is this about?

So what is this blog? What is it going to be?

Well it is not going to be another place of captions by me. My intention with this blog is to do a more traditional type blog thing. Ya know, just me writing about things. It could be anything really, from how I’m feeling to maybe a story. I don’t know, I just want to try this out, I feel it is another step into exploring this side of me. I’m going to open more of my mind to the web, this one promises to be more personal than even some of my more personal captions. I just feel that if maybe I begin to write out some more of the things in my head I’ll understand more about this side of me. I mean I do accept that it is there and is a part of who I am, but I feel a need to keep exploring it.

So I invite you to stick around and take a journey inside my mind, inside the mind of Isobelle.