Sunday, August 2, 2015

Writing Again

It feels good to write again. I think sharing my thoughts will help me through this stage of my life. I still can't believe that I have fallen in love and was even brave enough to ask for her hand in marriage. What I can't believe even more is that I am opening up to her more and more the side of me that is Isobelle.

She seems very understanding and accepting so far. She even caught me wearing her panties the other day and did not freak out. I explained that I have a curiosity but I did not tell her the whole truth. I've been slowly letting on to that.

And I do think she suspects something. Who could blame her. After all it wasn't long after we were together that I did tell her about my curiosity in how the other gender has sex. She suprized me though by saying we should get me some anal beads. She said that was the best way she could help me experience sex as a woman.

It only fueled my curiosity more. It only made me want to experience sex as a woman even more. I so envy her. I want to know what its like for someone to be inside of me. Often during sex I visualize myself as her. My man on top, my breasts bouncing up and down, his every attention given to bringing me pleasure.

I struggle because I love her but can't bring myself to fully come out to her. I know that I must and have come close several times. It is hard.

Friday, July 31, 2015

Checking In

So it has been nearly two years since I have wrote anything. I guess a lot has happened in that time. And I guess a lot has happened recently that has inspired me to write again.

I guess the biggest thing on my mind currently is the fact that I'm getting married later this year. I never imagined myself ever reaching this point in life. I never thought I would find a person in my life that I would want to say, "yes I want to be with you for the rest of my life." But yet at the same time I question myself if this is the right thing to do.

I met her nearly two years ago and she has been a person that really changed my life. She has become  my best friend. She gave me a reason to live for and saved me from a destructive path that I was going down. And for a time this side of me was gone. But it has came back. Just like I always said, it will never go away. I thought maybe it would, but it did not. I struggle every day to wake up and be "the man" the world and my loved ones see me as.

The part of me that is Isobelle has come back. But I'm not sure if "part of me" is the right term. I wonder more and more if "is me" is the right term.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Transgender Metalhead

So I was going thought this blog and my posts and I came across this. It was something I never posted, but I read over it and wondered why I never did post it. I wrote this around 2 years ago but I still feel the same way. So here it is:


I would like to take this post and talk about something I've been pondering lately. I make no secret about my love and devotion to heavy metal. However this overall genre of music is inherently masculine in almost every way. This is an interesting thought to me because here I am in the middle of a search to find out just who I am and at this point I feel that person is female in nature, yet I still listen, love, and on some levels even worship a form of music that is masculine in nature. Does this make sense to you at this point? I know I went, "Woah, wait a minute! I gotta sit and think about this and try to understand just what is going on here." And so this post.

Just by observation, heavy metal is a testosterone driven form of music. Especially the more extreme sub-genres like death metal and thrash, both of which are my most favorite. If you have ever been to a metal show or concert you know exactly what I mean. The majority of the fans are male. The energy radiating from the band and crowd is very primordial. Primitive male instincts and attitudes are commonplace. The music is often aggressive, harsh, or as I have heard some say, "it kicks you in the balls." The lyrical themes are often about being tough, death, violence, anger, or lashing out at society. Things I would say are typically associated with the male gender. These themes and musical vibe directly influence the "dances" of choice by metal fans across the globe. Headbanging and mosh pits.

Everything I just stated embodies most everything that I love about this music. So how the hell is it that I can love being around something so masculine and love participating in it actively and be transgender and have serious concerns that I am not really male on the inside? Right now I'm scratching my head. So I'm going to attempt to explain this.

First of all, even though the testosterone may be flowing through me when I'm "rocking out" or at a concert, I do not get a sense of feeling of being ultra masculine. In fact in that state I would say that I have no feeling of a specific gender at all. I do get lost in the music. I find myself headbanging to the music and I love mosh pits. However I view these acts as more a release of energy as opposed to some primitive male behavior. When I am in a mosh pit I just bounce around, run around, and slam off others in the pit. I come away smiling and feeling good because I had fun. I do not pick fights, I don't kick or punch. I hate when others do that.

The lyrical content. I love the lyrical content. I feel it fits the tone and vibe of the music. I love the lyrics that lash out against society. To me they make so much sense and I can relate to many of them. The anger influenced lyrics are typically responses to things in life that upset us or people that get on our nerves and so on. They are methods to vent, to blow off steam. (Much like my last post. lol) The lyrics about death or violence are things you would often find in horror films. I am not a very big fan of horror films as I find many of them gross and too over the top. With this in mind I will just typically pay more attention to the music itself and view the vocals as more of an ambient, aesthetic addition to the music. Although sometimes lyrics about death relate to thoughts of suicide and our own mortality as humans. In these cases I find the lyrics quite interesting and often times learning a great deal about this thing called life that we all live. As for the anti-religious or even satanic type lyrics, I do listen to them and I consider them part of the "lashing out at society" lyrical themes.

So far I feel I'm not bringing anything new or revolutionary to my thought process. Afterall I've been defending this music since I was 13. I guess there's just something in it that attracts me to it. It has nothing to do with the music being masculine in nature nor do I feel I am attracted to it because I was searching to be masculine because I did not know how. I love this music because I love it. It's like trying to explain why I love vanilla ice cream over chocolate ice cream. There is no reason why other that it just is that way.

If you really pull back the layers and look more deeply, sex and gender have nothing to do with the reasons as to why a person would love heavy metal. There are many, many female metalheads out there, and by no means would I or anybody else out there see them as masculine in any way. They just happen to love a music where the majority of the fan base is male. I think it would be this point, if any, that can at least somewhat explain how a transgender person such as myself can love a music that is perceived as a masculine form of music.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

In This Moment

So I just got home and I feel like writing a little bit. I suppose its because of the feelings I had tonight. I got to see a pretty awesome band again, In This Moment. I've seen them two times prior, but lately their music has just gotten so much better. But what really got my attention the most was their singer Maria Brink. She was just so sensual on stage, so sexy (not to mention she was dressed in latex lol). As I watched her I had a very deep attraction to her. Not in a sexual way, but in a way that I wanted to be her. To have her voice, her body, her position of power of fronting a band, to wear what she got to wear... These feelings flooded me as I watched their set.

A picture I took tonight. I just feel so weird being at show or something and being around my friends and the attraction they have for women is not the same as my own. Physically we are both males but mentally we are entirely different.

And although those feelings were hard to deal with (especially while being at a show surrounded by thousands of people), the past month or so has been quite awesome musically. I went to Mayhem Fest and got see Rob Zombie, The Butcher Babies (that was another hard one with similar feelings that I had with In This Moment), Amon Amarth, Emmure, Five Finger Death Punch, and one of my all time favs, Machine Head! Tonight I saw In This Moment, Papa Roach, and Shinedown. And just two weeks ago I got to once again see a person who I feel has been the biggest influence on me musically (aside from maybe James Hetfield of Metallica), Max Cavalera. Seeing Soulfly again was just amazing (made more awesome by seeing them in a small local venue that I myself have played on around ten times), and then seeing them play some of my favorite Sepultura songs was beyond exciting! If anybody out there knows what I'm talking about, seeing Max belt out Refuse/Resist, Arise, Dead Embryonic Cells, and Roots Bloody Roots, is enough to make you wet!

But I revert back to In This Moment currently because they are on my mind. I would so love to be her. And so glad that they played this song...

Sunday, August 4, 2013

An Update

Hey all out there in blog-land. I just want to let all of you know (at least those who are interested or who have followed me in the past), that I am fine and doing alright. My absence was brought on by several personal issues that I needed to deal with and my attention was focused on them. Mainly the illness and passing of my mother several months back. That was very hard for me because I looked up to her and her very being gave me much of my strength. She was a person who was a very instrumental part of my life, and to see what she went though, and then to lose her, was a great blow to me. If you have ever had a loved one go through cancer, you know how I feel. Fortunately I have several very good friends who stood by my side through it all, and it was because of their love and care that I had the strength to weather this storm.

I am not gone, I have not forgotten about the online tg community, and I certainly have not changed any of my thoughts on my true self in life (that of a woman and not of a man). I have just found it hard to express myself, perhaps a writers block if you will, over the past several months. I have been trying to get over it, but I make no promises. Although I do miss being apart of things.

In the end, life will find a way. That is my hope for now.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Family Can Be Cruel

It is very true, and especially so after spending the evening with my family.

All in all in was a very nice evening. Spending time with family for the Easter holiday is always nice. We went out to dinner then went back to my parents house to spend time together. As we all sat in the living room, someone turned the TV on and then it was decided that we would all play a game. What game is irrelevant, it is what was on the TV that this is all about.

Now we left the TV on, as background noise, but I was glad it was left on. The channel was on ABC and 20/20 had just started. Now normally I really don't care about what's on TV and have only seen 20/20 maybe a handful of times in my life, but tonight I wanted to see it. Tonight they were airing the interview with that trans woman from Canada who was banned from the beauty pageant. Because it related to me in some way, I just wanted to see it. I felt I had to.

So as the game went on, I payed attention to and got involved in it, but the majority of my attention was to the television. Now at some point, someone I forget who (because of what was said following), pointed out what was going on on TV. They said they remembered hearing about her and quickly most everyone else recognized the story as well. It was at this point I had hope. Hoping that something nice, compassionate, or open-minded would have come out of somebody's mouth. That hope was short lived.

Everybody in the room either made fun of her, said she was gross, or that she was wrong, or laughed at her, or said she deserves not to be able to compete, or said she's not a real woman, and so on and so on. I was completely ashamed of my family. I just sat there in silence as I felt my heart sink. I wanted to cry, I really did. Perhaps I should have said something in her defense, but I didn't. I felt very outnumbered with all the close-mindedness in the room. Like I said, I wanted to cry. I was hurt at their reactions.

People can be very cruel indeed.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

March Update

It has been sometime since I posted an update here, feels like forever ago to me. I guess maybe that's because the last few months have been very stressful. That stress doesn't seem to want to stop.

Just recently I lost my job. It was very hard on me because in the end people who I thought were my friends turned out not be as they stabbed me and everybody else they could in the back. It was very emotional for me because this was a person that for 5 years I considered a good friend. I guess hard times bring out who a person truly is. We were all losing our jobs because the place was closing, but to stab your friend in the back... I don't understand it, but I know it hurts to lose a friend like that.

There were lots of difficult times in dealing with my mother the past few months, but thankfully she is better now. It is a relief to know that is behind me, that my family and I can move forward from these past 6 months of hell.

I am trying to make more things in my life positive though. I've been focusing more on music. For the first time in my life I joined a local band. It is such a positive experience for me, it is awesome. Maybe this is the positive push I need to get my life going.

------ Changing the Subject -----

Something interesting I was thinking the other day. I was playing Mass Effect 3 (paid for on a pre-order way before I found out I was losing my job :P ), and I began thinking about that reality in which the game takes place. In case you were wondering, yes, I was playing as a female character. But I was thinking, this game takes place in the future, a future with super advanced medical capabilities, a future where you can rebuild a person with cybernetic implants, a future where rapid cloning is available, a future where DNA could be re-written, a future where pretty much anything could be possible. I began to wonder what it would be like to be a trans person in this time.

It would seem like an amazing time to be alive (aside from the obvious Reaper invasion of course lol). I mean I can only imagine that if one were trans during this time that they would be able to transition into the body they wish they always had. And every bit of their new sex would function just as if they were born with those features. How awesome would that be?

Just a thought and a little bit of fantasizing on my part.