Friday, April 6, 2012

Family Can Be Cruel

It is very true, and especially so after spending the evening with my family.

All in all in was a very nice evening. Spending time with family for the Easter holiday is always nice. We went out to dinner then went back to my parents house to spend time together. As we all sat in the living room, someone turned the TV on and then it was decided that we would all play a game. What game is irrelevant, it is what was on the TV that this is all about.

Now we left the TV on, as background noise, but I was glad it was left on. The channel was on ABC and 20/20 had just started. Now normally I really don't care about what's on TV and have only seen 20/20 maybe a handful of times in my life, but tonight I wanted to see it. Tonight they were airing the interview with that trans woman from Canada who was banned from the beauty pageant. Because it related to me in some way, I just wanted to see it. I felt I had to.

So as the game went on, I payed attention to and got involved in it, but the majority of my attention was to the television. Now at some point, someone I forget who (because of what was said following), pointed out what was going on on TV. They said they remembered hearing about her and quickly most everyone else recognized the story as well. It was at this point I had hope. Hoping that something nice, compassionate, or open-minded would have come out of somebody's mouth. That hope was short lived.

Everybody in the room either made fun of her, said she was gross, or that she was wrong, or laughed at her, or said she deserves not to be able to compete, or said she's not a real woman, and so on and so on. I was completely ashamed of my family. I just sat there in silence as I felt my heart sink. I wanted to cry, I really did. Perhaps I should have said something in her defense, but I didn't. I felt very outnumbered with all the close-mindedness in the room. Like I said, I wanted to cry. I was hurt at their reactions.

People can be very cruel indeed.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

March Update

It has been sometime since I posted an update here, feels like forever ago to me. I guess maybe that's because the last few months have been very stressful. That stress doesn't seem to want to stop.

Just recently I lost my job. It was very hard on me because in the end people who I thought were my friends turned out not be as they stabbed me and everybody else they could in the back. It was very emotional for me because this was a person that for 5 years I considered a good friend. I guess hard times bring out who a person truly is. We were all losing our jobs because the place was closing, but to stab your friend in the back... I don't understand it, but I know it hurts to lose a friend like that.

There were lots of difficult times in dealing with my mother the past few months, but thankfully she is better now. It is a relief to know that is behind me, that my family and I can move forward from these past 6 months of hell.

I am trying to make more things in my life positive though. I've been focusing more on music. For the first time in my life I joined a local band. It is such a positive experience for me, it is awesome. Maybe this is the positive push I need to get my life going.

------ Changing the Subject -----

Something interesting I was thinking the other day. I was playing Mass Effect 3 (paid for on a pre-order way before I found out I was losing my job :P ), and I began thinking about that reality in which the game takes place. In case you were wondering, yes, I was playing as a female character. But I was thinking, this game takes place in the future, a future with super advanced medical capabilities, a future where you can rebuild a person with cybernetic implants, a future where rapid cloning is available, a future where DNA could be re-written, a future where pretty much anything could be possible. I began to wonder what it would be like to be a trans person in this time.

It would seem like an amazing time to be alive (aside from the obvious Reaper invasion of course lol). I mean I can only imagine that if one were trans during this time that they would be able to transition into the body they wish they always had. And every bit of their new sex would function just as if they were born with those features. How awesome would that be?

Just a thought and a little bit of fantasizing on my part.

Monday, January 2, 2012

2012: Not off to a Good Start at All

Well as the the title suggests, 2012 is not starting off very well for me. It seems like whenever I start getting a plan together or things start to look up it all comes crashing down. It feels like my life is forever doomed to be on a downward spiral.

Just days before the new year I found out I will be losing my job. The company I work for has decided to close the location where I work and eliminate all the employees. This kind of pain I've never felt before. It is a pain surrounded by hopelessness, despair, animosity, fear, anger, hate, and the feeling of betrayal because that which you were loyal to has turned it's back on you.

In my twisted view of the world I see this as corporate greed at its finest. Instead of getting rid of the ones up top killing the company, they get rid of the ones hard at work keeping it alive. I'll never understand big business and how they can value money over people.

So once again my life has been thrown off path. Although at this point it might be safe to say I've long since been off path, lost in the woods trying to get back.

All I want from life is to be myself in all I do and to chase my dreams. I don't think that's too much to ask for, too much to want. I guess maybe it is because anytime I even try to strive for either one I get cut down and set back.