Thursday, October 7, 2010

I Quit...

Life is extremely difficult and the decisions we make define us, they are what tells the rest of the world who we are and who we are going to be. I have made a difficult decision after nearly two weeks of stress and utter hell that effected me to very core of who I am. It all began early last week. Combined with a trip to the dentist, (which is never fun, those drills are just a hellish nightmare) and my work bringing up the issue once again about the length of my hair set the mood for one bad day. That is where the mood came from for that last blog post.

Thank you to everybody who cared enough to leave a comment or send me an email or was there for me talk to. I know I am not ugly or any of the other stuff I said, but I felt so down. The pain of the day was just overwhelming and for me it always helps to get the bad feelings out. Usually I just vent through music but sometimes I feel the need to vent more. That is when I pick up a pen, or a keyboard, and try to put my feelings to words. But again, I do sincerely appreciate all the love I was shown, I was left with tears in my eyes because of it. Thank you all again. :)

But things did not get any better from there. Everyday last week I was confronted at work about my hair, once even by one of the owners. I remained defiant in caving to their demands. As the week went on I began to get this sickening fear that I was going to lose my job. Friday came and my boss gave me the weekend off to think about everything. He told me he hoped I do the right thing.

The weekend was long and stressful. I thought about everything and the reasons why. Monday came and back to work I went. Halfway through the day I was confronted again. I left for lunch in tears, but did not give them the satisfaction of seeing my pain. I came back from lunch, after composing myself, and told my boss that I will not cut my hair and that if they have to, fire me. I held my breath in fear. But I did not get fired. My boss said he could not do it. He confessed to me that it is wrong that I should have to cut my hair. He said he did not want his name associated with this. I left work early, but a little comforted that I know that my boss knew it was wrong.

Tuesday was rather uneventful. No talks at all about my hair. Wednesday I took the day off. I had a job interview with the job I left last December for this one. They hired me back on the spot, although it will mean less pay. So the event for today was set up.

I quit my job this morning. I quit because I just cannot work for somebody who does not respect me as a human being. I quit because they wanted me to be some one who I am not. I quit because my hair means so much more to me than just growing it out for the music I love. I quit my job this morning because I am transgendered and my hair helps define who I am. I quit because I cannot be anybody other than myself.

So as I sit here, typing this, reflecting on what has transpired, I think. I have no regret for what I've done. I am glad I had the courage to take a stand for something I believe in, which is freedom of human expression. We are all humans and each of us has a different view of how we should live our lives as individuals and as long as we are not hurting anyone else, we should be free to do so. How we look or present ourselves should not matter, although those are things that define us, the focus should be on how we act and how much goodness is in our hearts and souls.

And as I think even more I can't help but think, can't help but wonder. Is this the start of the path I am choosing? Have I already chose my path and is this one of many things to come along that path? I still don't know where my life will go, my mind likes to over analyze things. But I know I do things that I don't know why I do them, or I do them against all reason, like quitting a job because I refuse to get a hair cut to their liking. I like to believe that in times like that, it is not my mind guiding me, but rather my heart and soul.