Sunday, August 29, 2010

Going Deeper and Deeper...

Well it’s been almost near forever since I last made a post here. A lot has happened in the past two months, well maybe not that much, but I’ve been busy nonetheless. Busy in all areas of my life too. So just a warning now that this may be longer and please excuse my rambling. :)

I guess I’ll start with things that have made me happy, kept me positive. I’ve been spending more time with my friends in real life. They don’t know about Isobelle, but it is just nice to have friends who you can be around and just be yourself, well almost yourself, lol. But I do enjoy the time I spend with them. It just seems that when we are together having a good time, everything else in the world just takes a back seat, ya know? Problems, jobs, worries, anything that concerns you just disappears. I like the carefree time we share together.

I kinda got obsessed with two video games since last time. I’ve never been much of a gamer, though I do always manage to keep up with current gaming technology. I do have a PS3 and a 360 which I got earlier this year. For the most part they both just sat and collected dust, I would play a game or two occasionally. But that has changed. A friend of mine introduced me to two games that I’ve been playing nonstop. Mass Effect and Mass Effect 2. I just can’t stop playing them. I don’t know what it is about them but they just attract me in some way.

But the biggest thing that has kept my happy going is music. I have seen so many bands over the last few months, it’s just crazy. But music is my life blood afterall and going to concerts and seeing some of the bands and people that I look up to is just amazing and lifts my spirits so much. Some of the bands I have seen include: Chimaira, In This Moment, Saviors, Goatwhore, Skeletonwitch, Kingdom of Sorrow, Kataklsym, 3 Inches of Blood, Lamb of God, Drowning Pool, Five Finger Death Punch, Rob Zombie, Megadeth, Black Label Society, Slayer, DevilDriver, and TestAmenT. Metalhead I am, lol.

One thing though that I’ve noticed more and more when I go to shows anymore is that Isobelle is ever present in my mind. Like, especially at the big outdoor fests, there are many attractive women, women who dress in incredible sexy “rockstar” style. I see these women and girls and all I think about is how much I would love to go to a show dressed like that. I even had a very vivid dream about one such girl I saw and met at Ozzfest. In this dream, which was just so vivid, I was her, at the concert. It was so real because I envisioned the clothes she was wearing, I could feel them on me, feel their tightness, and consequently, felt myself getting hot in them, lol. This dream was just so pleasant, me being her, walking around adoring all the attention I was getting from all the guys. It was just incredible.

Aside from that stuff I’ve been having a tough time with my feelings. Things have been eating at me, on my mind constantly. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t dwell on thoughts of being female, living life as a woman, the transition process, thoughts on how and what that would mean for my life. When I stand in front of a mirror, I do not really like the refection that I see. I’ll strike a feminine pose, then it looks better.

I have never really been comfortable or satisfied with the way I look, with the way my body is. It was during puberty that I really paid more attention to my body than any time before that, and I can remember never liking my body, never satisfied. At the time I just knew I did not like my body. I did not know how to make it so I would like it. Years later as I began to lose weight I became slightly more accepting, but there was still something off. I even tried weight lifting and muscle building a few times. I had noticeable effects from that, but that did not solve my discomfort either. Now I’m beginning to understand where the discomfort lies, where the dislike comes from, why I am not satisfied. My body is male. Yesterday I found some time to dress, just simple clothes but femme, and as I looked at myself in the mirror, complete with padding to imitate breasts, I could feel tears welling in my eyes. I liked what I saw. What I saw in my reflection was comforting.

Things like that reassure my belief that all this is not just some elaborate fantasy in my mind. It is something way more. It is something that goes beyond my mind into my heart and soul. And with that comes a question. A question that I think I know the answer to but I’m scared to admit. Scared because the path ahead of that answer is unknown, potentially very rough, the ending uncertain. Am I transsexual?

But I need to know the answer for sure. Something in me just tells me I need to know. So I’ll keep pushing myself to dig deeper into my mind, into my heart and soul. I’ll keep exploring. I’m not sure what having the answer will mean though. But I’ll keep searching then as well. Afterall, life is a journey and if we stop searching, stop moving forward, then that means we have given up and accepted a life that is not our own, we live a life where the true person inside you is never known and you are never really “you.”