I feel like I'm stuck in a hole. Really I do. I noticed this as I looked around at my living space and noticed I have not really cleaned in a very long time. It's not like it is horrible or I'm a slob, just things out of place, stuff I've bought and have not found homes for yet, laundry not put away, and my desk... Just a complete mess.
Stuff like that, and it got to me. So I've been cleaning up today and as I am cleaning I started to wonder why. Why did I let it get so bad? The answer is simple. I feel like I've been stuck in a hole. I just have felt like I have no motivation to do really anything. And I know why. My desire is consuming me. I have days where I just do not feel right in my male shell. I have times where I will be in good spirits and all of a sudden come crashing down and I just kinda mope around and don't do anything.
Everyday I have thoughts about being or becoming female. And its not like one or two during the day, they are there most of the day, from some of the first thoughts when I wake up, to some of the last thoughts I have before I go to sleep. Nothing really distracts them either. Anywhere I go, anything I do, they are there. Work, hanging out with friends, going to a concert, playing with myself, anywhere and anything. But especially when I play. I cannot see myself as a male in a sexual situation, all I see is me as the girl. I've tried to picture myself as the guy, but it was like it didn't even turn me on at all and I quickly turned it around to where I was the girl.
So I feel like I'm stuck in a hole because I honestly don't know what to do next, or how to get myself out. I don't like being in this state I'm in. In this state my life feels like it has stalled, like I'm not going anywhere. I feel like I need to do something, but what? Maybe look for a new job, one that would bring in more money so I can move out on my own? Maybe look into seeing on what I need to finish getting a degree? Maybe seek out support groups and try to express my female side more? Maybe wrap this up and get back to cleaning and go from there? lol.
One last bit before I wrap this up though. This has to do with Alexia's comment. I kinda wanted to say something in my next post as opposed to commenting back, more people might read it this way. Anyway... I have taken quite a few of those online gender test thingies. Around 90% of the time I get either female or 50/50 result. I know most of them are not meant to use as a deciding test, but the results make me think cause I get the same results most of the time. Another thing, labels. I don't really like them and really don't like them applied to me. Mostly because labels do not tell the whole story and you don't always fit all the definitions of the label. With that being said there are really only two labels I accept for me right now. One is transgender. I fit that, that is me. Although it did take me some time to accept it, I feel it was an important step in my journey to say I am a transgender person. The other label is one I have been so proud to call myself, and this label I openly accepted and wanted. It is metalhead. A follower of metal music and one who lives their life for the music. For those of you out there who know me, you know that I am in love with metal music and the lifestyle associated with it and that I proudly show it. :) Up until my acceptance of transgender, it was the only label I knew I agreed with 100%.
Now back to cleaning...
Thoughts, comments, questions? Post them below or feel free to email me. :)