Sunday, April 25, 2010

Stuck in a Hole

I feel like I'm stuck in a hole. Really I do. I noticed this as I looked around at my living space and noticed I have not really cleaned in a very long time. It's not like it is horrible or I'm a slob, just things out of place, stuff I've bought and have not found homes for yet, laundry not put away, and my desk... Just a complete mess.

Stuff like that, and it got to me. So I've been cleaning up today and as I am cleaning I started to wonder why. Why did I let it get so bad? The answer is simple. I feel like I've been stuck in a hole. I just have felt like I have no motivation to do really anything. And I know why. My desire is consuming me. I have days where I just do not feel right in my male shell. I have times where I will be in good spirits and all of a sudden come crashing down and I just kinda mope around and don't do anything.

Everyday I have thoughts about being or becoming female. And its not like one or two during the day, they are there most of the day, from some of the first thoughts when I wake up, to some of the last thoughts I have before I go to sleep. Nothing really distracts them either. Anywhere I go, anything I do, they are there. Work, hanging out with friends, going to a concert, playing with myself, anywhere and anything. But especially when I play. I cannot see myself as a male in a sexual situation, all I see is me as the girl. I've tried to picture myself as the guy, but it was like it didn't even turn me on at all and I quickly turned it around to where I was the girl.

So I feel like I'm stuck in a hole because I honestly don't know what to do next, or how to get myself out. I don't like being in this state I'm in. In this state my life feels like it has stalled, like I'm not going anywhere. I feel like I need to do something, but what? Maybe look for a new job, one that would bring in more money so I can move out on my own? Maybe look into seeing on what I need to finish getting a degree? Maybe seek out support groups and try to express my female side more? Maybe wrap this up and get back to cleaning and go from there? lol.

One last bit before I wrap this up though. This has to do with Alexia's comment. I kinda wanted to say something in my next post as opposed to commenting back, more people might read it this way. Anyway... I have taken quite a few of those online gender test thingies. Around 90% of the time I get either female or 50/50 result. I know most of them are not meant to use as a deciding test, but the results make me think cause I get the same results most of the time. Another thing, labels. I don't really like them and really don't like them applied to me. Mostly because labels do not tell the whole story and you don't always fit all the definitions of the label. With that being said there are really only two labels I accept for me right now. One is transgender. I fit that, that is me. Although it did take me some time to accept it, I feel it was an important step in my journey to say I am a transgender person. The other label is one I have been so proud to call myself, and this label I openly accepted and wanted. It is metalhead. A follower of metal music and one who lives their life for the music. For those of you out there who know me, you know that I am in love with metal music and the lifestyle associated with it and that I proudly show it. :) Up until my acceptance of transgender, it was the only label I knew I agreed with 100%.

Now back to cleaning...

Thoughts, comments, questions? Post them below or feel free to email me. :)

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


Well first I would like to clarify something. I have been getting some confused reactions to my last post. Yes I believe myself to be transgender. But what does that mean exactly? It does not mean at this point that I will be transitioning. That may or may not come in the future. But right now I consider myself transgendered because I feel that my outside gender does not always match my inside one. Like I feel that the label female better describes me than male. I hope that clears up any confusion.

I've been having a rough time lately. These thoughts of wanting to be female have just really hit me hard. I feel like I'm fighting myself. Male versus female. Neither side ever wins. And each time I feel so down after each battle. Sometimes to the point of tears. And this struggle is all about becoming female, like going through a transition. I know that I would want to, but there are so many things about it that just scare the shit out of me. Like will I be accepted, will I be able to find a job not only to live but to pay for everything involved, will I still have a family, is it really what I want, could I really be happy with my body being female? The fear of the unknowns. And there are so many of them. I guess I still have a lot of searching and thinking to do. I feel so conflicted...

Anyway, I've been looking to music as a guide once again in my life. I'd like to share some lyrics that have made me think or have given me something.

Sevendust - Waffle
Bring me a light, Make my life worth something more, Show me a light, Bring me a light
I need to find a meaning, I'm useless, I'm useless, Trapped inside my own web

Metallica - Until it Sleeps
Where do I take this pain of mine? I run but it stays right by my side, So tear me open pour me out, There's things inside that scream and shout ... Just like the curse just like the stray, you feed it once and now it stays ... So tell me why you've chosen me, Don't want you grip your greed

Five Finger Death Punch - Never Enough
I'd rather hate you for everything you are, Then ever love you for something you are not, I'd rather you hate me for everything I am, Then have you love me for something that I can't

In Flames - Touch of Red
Reaching depths of clarity, I'm not supposed to be like this, I should be on top of the world, Is there anybody out there like me?
I followed - something's missing, Self control - forcing me down, Whispers consume the air, Above her I'm endless
When the rain comes falling, I'll freeze I'm so afraid, When things start to flood me, I'll drown in seconds
Fear - there's a way out, Touch of red, Break away, Nothing has it all, Bury the place I've been, I fear there's a way out
As if I ever had a choice, All in the hands of the energy, Once again I feel the quicksand, Shallow me tonight I won't stuggle
Fear - there's a way out, Touch of red, Break away, Nothing has it all, Bury the place I've been, I fear there's a way out

Fear Factory - Fear Campaign
Fear is the enemy on my path
What do you fear? Fear is your god!

And my favorite lyric of all that always makes me feel stronger and just makes me proud that this is the way I live.

Sepultura - Attitude
Live your life and not the way they taught you. Do what you feel!

Thoughts, comments, questions? Post 'em below or feel free to email me.

Saturday, April 3, 2010


So there is a few things that I have learned/realized about myself since my last post here. I feel that these are some pretty big things that have come forth. What they will mean to me? Only time can tell...

First, my desire to be female has gotten very strong. So strong that over the past few weeks, several times has my desire brought me to tears. And not just watery eyes tears, but full on break down and let it all out tears too. I think about it constantly too. I don't even try to think about it and it's in my head. Sometimes happy thoughts, sometimes thoughts that just bring me down.

I think I underestimated the deepness of my desire when a few months back I thought it was just something of a phase I was going through. I thought I was spending too much time around the online stories and captions and it was getting to me. But when I stepped away and tried to not pay attention to this stuff online, it was still there in me. It did not go away, it was not quiet. Maybe I was foolish to think that it would just go away, or go back to being what I thought was just a fetish. Truth is that it's not going away, it just keeps growing and growing.

As a point to prove that, I think I have been really ignoring alot that has led me to this point in my journey. For instance, I have a tendency to downplay my past, my teen years and what I did. There was a period of time when dressing almost became an obsession to me. I had to feel the clothes on me, I just had to. I needed it. It was like a drug. I never went as far as putting on makeup and getting myself all done up, I just needed the clothes. I can remember when I had the clothes on, I sorta felt natural in them. I still have that. I guess my point is that these feeling of wanting to be female, to feel female are nothing new. They have been with me for a long time now. And then I realized something that made me stop in my tracks.

I was talking to Kathryn a few days ago. As we were talking, the subject came up about the first time we were aroused so much that we came. So when it was my turn to share my story, I went back and dug through my mind. I remembered it as if it were yesterday. I was around 13 years old at the time. I was laying in bed one night, could not sleep. My mind was just wandering from one thing to the next. Out of no where I got this image in my head of the outfit that Princess Leia wore when she was the slave girl. (Yeah I know, major Star Wars nerd :P ) I remember seeing the outfit, but it was not on Leia. Now up until this point of my remembering I had always thought I came to a vision of slave girl Leia. But that is not the truth. I guess at the time I just overlooked it cause it was my first time. But anyway, as I recalled that night, that thought, I realized something. I saw the outfit, but not on Leia. I remember the wondering what it would feel like to have an outfit like that around my skin. The first time I came was to a thought of me being feminine. I seriously just stopped all I was doing and just sat there. I ran the night through my head again, same outcome. It couldn't be, could it? All this time, all these years, my desire has always been there.

Recently I met a post-op MtF TS online. We have been talking. She told me something that another post-op told me online once before. She said that the feeing I have, the things I feel inside me, she had the same feelings. I was shocked, but at the same time sorta expected that. I believe my desire runs far deeper than what I have thought. Or maybe I've just been in denial?

Whatever it is I have made a decision. I looked back at where I've been and where I am now. And I know it's gonna be, "Well duh. I could have told you that." but I have never said it before. I guess I've been sorta afraid of using the term about me, maybe scared of what it could mean. But I'm going to take a deep breath and say it...

I am transgendered.

There, I said it. What it means from here I have no idea. All I know is that my desire keeps building within me and at some point I'll be faced with a decision. Quite possibly the toughest decision life will throw at me. It won't be easy, but I know it is coming...

Thoughts, questions, comments? Post them below or feel free to email me.