Revalations

So there is a few things that I have learned/realized about myself since my last post here. I feel that these are some pretty big things that have come forth. What they will mean to me? Only time can tell...

First, my desire to be female has gotten very strong. So strong that over the past few weeks, several times has my desire brought me to tears. And not just watery eyes tears, but full on break down and let it all out tears too. I think about it constantly too. I don't even try to think about it and it's in my head. Sometimes happy thoughts, sometimes thoughts that just bring me down.

I think I underestimated the deepness of my desire when a few months back I thought it was just something of a phase I was going through. I thought I was spending too much time around the online stories and captions and it was getting to me. But when I stepped away and tried to not pay attention to this stuff online, it was still there in me. It did not go away, it was not quiet. Maybe I was foolish to think that it would just go away, or go back to being what I thought was just a fetish. Truth is that it's not going away, it just keeps growing and growing.

As a point to prove that, I think I have been really ignoring alot that has led me to this point in my journey. For instance, I have a tendency to downplay my past, my teen years and what I did. There was a period of time when dressing almost became an obsession to me. I had to feel the clothes on me, I just had to. I needed it. It was like a drug. I never went as far as putting on makeup and getting myself all done up, I just needed the clothes. I can remember when I had the clothes on, I sorta felt natural in them. I still have that. I guess my point is that these feeling of wanting to be female, to feel female are nothing new. They have been with me for a long time now. And then I realized something that made me stop in my tracks.

I was talking to Kathryn a few days ago. As we were talking, the subject came up about the first time we were aroused so much that we came. So when it was my turn to share my story, I went back and dug through my mind. I remembered it as if it were yesterday. I was around 13 years old at the time. I was laying in bed one night, could not sleep. My mind was just wandering from one thing to the next. Out of no where I got this image in my head of the outfit that Princess Leia wore when she was the slave girl. (Yeah I know, major Star Wars nerd :P ) I remember seeing the outfit, but it was not on Leia. Now up until this point of my remembering I had always thought I came to a vision of slave girl Leia. But that is not the truth. I guess at the time I just overlooked it cause it was my first time. But anyway, as I recalled that night, that thought, I realized something. I saw the outfit, but not on Leia. I remember the wondering what it would feel like to have an outfit like that around my skin. The first time I came was to a thought of me being feminine. I seriously just stopped all I was doing and just sat there. I ran the night through my head again, same outcome. It couldn't be, could it? All this time, all these years, my desire has always been there.

Recently I met a post-op MtF TS online. We have been talking. She told me something that another post-op told me online once before. She said that the feeing I have, the things I feel inside me, she had the same feelings. I was shocked, but at the same time sorta expected that. I believe my desire runs far deeper than what I have thought. Or maybe I've just been in denial?

Whatever it is I have made a decision. I looked back at where I've been and where I am now. And I know it's gonna be, "Well duh. I could have told you that." but I have never said it before. I guess I've been sorta afraid of using the term about me, maybe scared of what it could mean. But I'm going to take a deep breath and say it...

I am transgendered.

There, I said it. What it means from here I have no idea. All I know is that my desire keeps building within me and at some point I'll be faced with a decision. Quite possibly the toughest decision life will throw at me. It won't be easy, but I know it is coming...

Thoughts, questions, comments? Post them below or feel free to email me.