Conflikted

Well first I would like to clarify something. I have been getting some confused reactions to my last post. Yes I believe myself to be transgender. But what does that mean exactly? It does not mean at this point that I will be transitioning. That may or may not come in the future. But right now I consider myself transgendered because I feel that my outside gender does not always match my inside one. Like I feel that the label female better describes me than male. I hope that clears up any confusion.

I've been having a rough time lately. These thoughts of wanting to be female have just really hit me hard. I feel like I'm fighting myself. Male versus female. Neither side ever wins. And each time I feel so down after each battle. Sometimes to the point of tears. And this struggle is all about becoming female, like going through a transition. I know that I would want to, but there are so many things about it that just scare the shit out of me. Like will I be accepted, will I be able to find a job not only to live but to pay for everything involved, will I still have a family, is it really what I want, could I really be happy with my body being female? The fear of the unknowns. And there are so many of them. I guess I still have a lot of searching and thinking to do. I feel so conflicted...

Anyway, I've been looking to music as a guide once again in my life. I'd like to share some lyrics that have made me think or have given me something.

Sevendust - Waffle

Bring me a light, Make my life worth something more, Show me a light, Bring me a light

...

I need to find a meaning, I'm useless, I'm useless, Trapped inside my own web

Metallica - Until it Sleeps

Where do I take this pain of mine? I run but it stays right by my side, So tear me open pour me out, There's things inside that scream and shout ... Just like the curse just like the stray, you feed it once and now it stays ... So tell me why you've chosen me, Don't want you grip your greed

Five Finger Death Punch - Never Enough

I'd rather hate you for everything you are, Then ever love you for something you are not, I'd rather you hate me for everything I am, Then have you love me for something that I can't

In Flames - Touch of Red

Reaching depths of clarity, I'm not supposed to be like this, I should be on top of the world, Is there anybody out there like me?

I followed - something's missing, Self control - forcing me down, Whispers consume the air, Above her I'm endless

When the rain comes falling, I'll freeze I'm so afraid, When things start to flood me, I'll drown in seconds

Fear - there's a way out, Touch of red, Break away, Nothing has it all, Bury the place I've been, I fear there's a way out

As if I ever had a choice, All in the hands of the energy, Once again I feel the quicksand, Shallow me tonight I won't stuggle

Fear - there's a way out, Touch of red, Break away, Nothing has it all, Bury the place I've been, I fear there's a way out

Fear Factory - Fear Campaign

Fear is the enemy on my path

...

What do you fear? Fear is your god!

And my favorite lyric of all that always makes me feel stronger and just makes me proud that this is the way I live.

Sepultura - Attitude

Live your life and not the way they taught you. Do what you feel!

Thoughts, comments, questions? Post 'em below or feel free to email me.