I awoke this morning from a dream. Well a nightmare might describe it better. In this dream I came out to my family. I sat them all down at once and explained myself, who I was on the inside and that my outside did not match. In this dream I even went as far as to say I would be changing myself to match my inside. Well in my dream they did not take it very well, they called me very hurtful names. There was no love or compassion shown at all. The dream ended with all of them leaving the room, insulting me. I woke up feeling terrible.
The rest of the day was no different. Up and down, most of the time down. All that has been going through my mind all day is my desire. Yet unlike my last day with my desire, this one was not a happy experience. My stomach has been churning all day. At one point I looked down at myself and saw ugliness. What I saw was not what I wanted to see. I would have given anything at that moment to remove the unwanted appendage between my legs. This has been the first time I have ever had such thoughts. At another point during the day, I buried my head in my pillow and let it out. I cried for the first time in years.
The rest of the roller coaster was filled with hate, anger and a brief moment of happiness. the happiness came when I wrote a caption. You'll see it when I update my caption blog on Tuesday. It's what I wished would really come true today. The anger came when I was online and a person who I consider a friend just pissed me off at something they did. There was a bit of time when everything was feeling like at ease. This was when I was talking with my online sister. She always makes me feel better, I love her dearly. Yet despite being able to talk to her today, I was unable to overcome my fucked up mood. I even could not snap my mood with music. Although I can't stop listening to a certian song at the moment.
I wish this day over. I hope tomorrow is far better. I wish I knew why I was so fucked up. Sometimes I just hate my life...
Thoughts, questions, or comments. Post 'em below or email me.