I awoke this morning from a dream. Well a nightmare might describe it better. In this dream I came out to my family. I sat them all down at once and explained myself, who I was on the inside and that my outside did not match. In this dream I even went as far as to say I would be changing myself to match my inside. Well in my dream they did not take it very well, they called me very hurtful names. There was no love or compassion shown at all. The dream ended with all of them leaving the room, insulting me. I woke up feeling terrible.
The rest of the day was no different. Up and down, most of the time down. All that has been going through my mind all day is my desire. Yet unlike my last day with my desire, this one was not a happy experience. My stomach has been churning all day. At one point I looked down at myself and saw ugliness. What I saw was not what I wanted to see. I would have given anything at that moment to remove the unwanted appendage between my legs. This has been the first time I have ever had such thoughts. At another point during the day, I buried my head in my pillow and let it out. I cried for the first time in years.
The rest of the roller coaster was filled with hate, anger and a brief moment of happiness. the happiness came when I wrote a caption. You'll see it when I update my caption blog on Tuesday. It's what I wished would really come true today. The anger came when I was online and a person who I consider a friend just pissed me off at something they did. There was a bit of time when everything was feeling like at ease. This was when I was talking with my online sister. She always makes me feel better, I love her dearly. Yet despite being able to talk to her today, I was unable to overcome my fucked up mood. I even could not snap my mood with music. Although I can't stop listening to a certian song at the moment.
I wish this day over. I hope tomorrow is far better. I wish I knew why I was so fucked up. Sometimes I just hate my life...
Thoughts, questions, or comments. Post 'em below or email me.
As you may be able to relate to this too but I too have been going through some trouble, I too had hated my life... I think its kinda interesting how you mentioned you cried, and then expressing that you haven't in years.. Wow, years? How about last week? I always find myself crying over something... Things can be so hard in my life its not even meaningful the understanding why shit is going down... I've been to busy to make another caption or even start on the offer I asked people send me requests to do caps for them.. I have not started them at all, I've been to busy, but in the same time I'm dealing with my own personal life struggle... I have so many times repeated to myself of how much I hate myself, how much I wished to just disappear from existence and have nobody remember me nor recognize me... Too start out new, with a clean slate and move on from there. Please give me a second chance!!!! Personally I don't like Otep but those chorus really speak for its self.
ReplyDeleteTake care Izzy, Love.
-Tina <3!
*takes both of you in my arms and draws you in* Why is it we have to suffer so? I have been where you are, hating myself, my body, wanting to just disappear. I also get the feelings of just crying it all away. Some days I get down and it is so very hard to just do anything. I wish I could be the girl of magic I so often play at being online. I would be busy, but I would be able to help my sisters that are trapped in these cycles of pain and depression. I say a prayers both specific and generic every day and night for those I consider my friends and family online. Know that someone cares and is thinking of you each day. *kisses each of you*
ReplyDeleteThank you both so very much. I love the both of you for sharing those comments. It means so much to me. It really does.
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