Still Down

Where oh where to begin... Well I guess I could start by saying that since my terrible day, things have gotten better I suppose. Although it feels like that day never did die and lingers with me still. I don't remember feeling this down so much in like years. It feels like I want something more from life, that like what I have or what I am is not me. I have had this feeling since like forever that this life I'm living is out of place. I've always fantasized about having a different life for as long as I can remember. I guess it never really hit me that maybe all that wanting a different life quite possibly is the reason why I would want to be female. It makes sense to me that that is the answer. But it just, idk... And I'm back to the telling other people story and the acceptance thing. I don't know...

Like my mind has been a complete mess the past week and a half. My desire is very strong and it gets me down that I cannot fulfill my desire right now. Like today, all morning I was dwelling on it. It was kinda strange, cause my mind told me that I was sad and feeling down, yet my insides felt like they were aroused at wanting to be female. I don't know how to describe this feeling really. It feels like its below my stomach, but above my privates. It feels like a kinda anxious, knotty, sorta scared feeling, sense of arousal feeling. Idk, it kinda reminds of how a girl once told me it felt to her to be aroused. Yet I do not get hard with this feeling. But I know it has to be related to being aroused or turned on. Like whenever I got a thought of something that I know turns me on or saw any form of sexy woman, it was like a surge that went through me. It was like the feeling instantly intensified and then went back down. It felt so good.

But like still with this good feeling, I still feel down. Maybe it's because that the feeling doesn't fit the body it's in. Like it's taking place in the wrong body, that I do not have the right equipment to fully enjoy it. Things like this drive me insane thinking about them. And it's what I think about when I feel like this. It's not like I try to think about it, it just pops in my head.

*Sigh* I wish there was an answer, a solution that would make me happy and let me still have a life where everyone accepts me. Tina, you said it perfectly. I too wish I could just go away and start over somewhere and just be me, who I really am, not hide anything, and everybody accepts that, accepts me.

Thoughts, comments, questions? Post 'em below or email me.