There is no insta-girl solution out there. Its long and involved, and expensive, and has surgeries. But as I think more about it, those are not what bothers me. It's the acceptance of it. The way others see me for who I am now and what I would love to be. It's how others would see me afterwords. Right now I am accepted for who I am, for the gender on the outside that I am. Outside of this internet world, no one knows about me wanting to be Isobelle. No one I know in real life knows, I have not told a soul. Problem is I don't think my family and closest friends would understand. Now I know what you are thinking, people are understanding if you just take the time and talk to them. I know, but I also know the people closest to me. I have seen them openly discriminate against transgender people, against gays and such. They make fun of men who would rather live as female. They are intolerant. I just don't think I could put myself through their hell by telling them of my desires.
I struggle very much dealing with this woman inside me. Sometimes I wish I could let her out and have her run my life, others I wish she would just go away and leave me alone. So I have come to the conclusion at this point that I have no idea what the future will hold for my body or insides. Its all the part if I ever have the courage to tell anyone. I know if I could move somewhere, away from everyone I know and if I had the money, I would change. But that is not gonna happen.
I guess it's good though that when I think about this, I don't get sad, or depressed or something. I just go into deep thought, or get aroused. Usually when I think about this, I write captions, or I look up porn and just envision myself as that girl in the porn. I am happy when I do this, it puts my mind in a state of pleasure. But there are times like this where I question, where I wonder...
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