Monday, December 28, 2009

Struggle Within

Well I guess you can say I've been fighting with myself lately. I don't know what the hell I want really. Inside me there is this battle, this struggle as to what I am, who I am, who I am supposed to be. Of course it is all kept within me for now, I show none of this to the outside world, but it is there. I speak of course of my body. It is male on the outside. I think right now that is the only part of my gender that I know to be what it is. Inside I have no idea. I really don't. Depending on my mood, things around me, people I'm talking to, inside it changes. However I've noticed recently that the inside tends to want to be female more often. I've been highly intrigued about the transformation process as of late. I look at my inside, then my outside, and wonder. Do they really match? For the first time ever I've been thinking I should have been born a girl. I know I would be extremely happy as one. I know I would feel comfortable as one. I know I could be one, I just know it. If there was some sort of pill I could take and I wake up as Isobelle, I would take it right now, without hesitation. But that's not how it works, and that is my biggest problem.

There is no insta-girl solution out there. Its long and involved, and expensive, and has surgeries. But as I think more about it, those are not what bothers me. It's the acceptance of it. The way others see me for who I am now and what I would love to be. It's how others would see me afterwords. Right now I am accepted for who I am, for the gender on the outside that I am. Outside of this internet world, no one knows about me wanting to be Isobelle. No one I know in real life knows, I have not told a soul. Problem is I don't think my family and closest friends would understand. Now I know what you are thinking, people are understanding if you just take the time and talk to them. I know, but I also know the people closest to me. I have seen them openly discriminate against transgender people, against gays and such. They make fun of men who would rather live as female. They are intolerant. I just don't think I could put myself through their hell by telling them of my desires.

I struggle very much dealing with this woman inside me. Sometimes I wish I could let her out and have her run my life, others I wish she would just go away and leave me alone. So I have come to the conclusion at this point that I have no idea what the future will hold for my body or insides. Its all the part if I ever have the courage to tell anyone. I know if I could move somewhere, away from everyone I know and if I had the money, I would change. But that is not gonna happen.

I guess it's good though that when I think about this, I don't get sad, or depressed or something. I just go into deep thought, or get aroused. Usually when I think about this, I write captions, or I look up porn and just envision myself as that girl in the porn. I am happy when I do this, it puts my mind in a state of pleasure. But there are times like this where I question, where I wonder...

Thoughts, comments, questions? Post 'em here or email me at

Thursday, December 17, 2009

A Strange Day

So it's been a bit of a strange day for me today. On a whole, on the outside, the day was just terrible. I mean I just felt like the world was weighing me down and nothing seemed to go smoothly. It was just one of those days that the sooner it gets over with, the better. But on the inside, interesting things were going on. Things I never really felt before. It was so strange that these thoughts and feelings came on a day like this, and at the time they did too.

I was just going about my day at work, feeling down and a bit miserable. I was walking when out of no where something so amazing happened. It was a bit of a day dream, but it felt and looked as if it were real. For the few seconds that this so called day dream was happening I was so at peace, so happy, it was just WOW!

Okay, this is what happened. As I was walking an image came in my mind that looked so real. Like my eyes were open but all I saw was this image. I looked down to see myself naked, not as a guy but as a girl. I had that body that I so want, the smooth skin, the perfect tanned tone, everything. As I looked down past my breasts I could see my pussy. But that's not all I saw. Just beyond my pussy was a waiting cock. Hard and waiting to enter me. I let out a bit of a gasp as it moved toward me. I fucking felt it touch my pussy! A shiver came over my body as it touched my pussy. And then, ohhh my god, this was so amazing! I felt it enter me!!!! As the hardness slowly pushed into me, a warm pleasure flooded my body. It was a bit of numbness, but it felt warm and extremely pleasurable. I noticed I opened my mouth and moaned under my breath. I can't even put to words how awesome this felt. It was just so WOW!

But just as sporadically as this thought and image entered me, it left. I opened my eyes and there I was, still at work, still a guy. The strangest thing in this little day dream was that I did not become hard from it. Usually when I visualize myself as a girl getting something like that done to me, it makes me hard. Not this time. Yet I got immense pleasure from it. This is something that I've never experienced. I loved it though!! I fucking loved it.

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Thanks for reading. :)

Sunday, December 13, 2009

I still question why...

I apologize for the lack of updates recently here. I started this blog with the intention of updating it more often, maybe once a week or so. But I have not. Real life things have taken priority over this. Things like re-kindling old friendships that have deteriorated over the years. It's not that I have lost any of these feelings that I have about being Isobelle, its just that they have been pushed off to the side for the time being. They are still there but I don't think about them as much. I don't know if that's good or bad. I mean I love having those thoughts, I love seeing myself as Isobelle, but also it is nice to just be happy with who you are, having people accept you for who you are. I don't know, I'm kinda torn over this. On the one hand I have who I am now in real life, a guy and decently happy with it, and in the other I have Isobelle, whom I would die to be and still have thoughts about being her. Like today I woke up thinking about myself as her. It was just a dream, but in it I was Isobelle. It wasn't anything sexual or of that nature, just me being her, having her body. I really loved it. I held on to that thought as long as I could without fully waking up. Then later in the day I was out doing some Christmas shopping and saw a girl at the mall wearing leather pants. I didn't think how hot she was, or how hot she looked in them, no. I thought how sexy Isobelle would be wearing them and that I would totally rock those as a girl. It's just so weird to me because I am a guy and have guy tendencies but whenever I see something or a person that reminds me of Isobelle, all I think about is being her. I am happy being a guy but would give it all up to be whom I see Isobelle as. I don't know. I still find it a bit strange, even though I have accepted these thoughts being there, that I see a girl who reminds me of Isobelle and I think how awesome it would be to be her. Most other guys would think about fucking her, I want to be her. I just don't really understand why. I don't think I ever will either, but I continue to question. Continue to explore...

Thoughts, comments, questions... Post 'em here or email me at -