Struggle Within

Well I guess you can say I've been fighting with myself lately. I don't know what the hell I want really. Inside me there is this battle, this struggle as to what I am, who I am, who I am supposed to be. Of course it is all kept within me for now, I show none of this to the outside world, but it is there. I speak of course of my body. It is male on the outside. I think right now that is the only part of my gender that I know to be what it is. Inside I have no idea. I really don't. Depending on my mood, things around me, people I'm talking to, inside it changes. However I've noticed recently that the inside tends to want to be female more often. I've been highly intrigued about the transformation process as of late. I look at my inside, then my outside, and wonder. Do they really match? For the first time ever I've been thinking I should have been born a girl. I know I would be extremely happy as one. I know I would feel comfortable as one. I know I could be one, I just know it. If there was some sort of pill I could take and I wake up as Isobelle, I would take it right now, without hesitation. But that's not how it works, and that is my biggest problem.

There is no insta-girl solution out there. Its long and involved, and expensive, and has surgeries. But as I think more about it, those are not what bothers me. It's the acceptance of it. The way others see me for who I am now and what I would love to be. It's how others would see me afterwords. Right now I am accepted for who I am, for the gender on the outside that I am. Outside of this internet world, no one knows about me wanting to be Isobelle. No one I know in real life knows, I have not told a soul. Problem is I don't think my family and closest friends would understand. Now I know what you are thinking, people are understanding if you just take the time and talk to them. I know, but I also know the people closest to me. I have seen them openly discriminate against transgender people, against gays and such. They make fun of men who would rather live as female. They are intolerant. I just don't think I could put myself through their hell by telling them of my desires.

I struggle very much dealing with this woman inside me. Sometimes I wish I could let her out and have her run my life, others I wish she would just go away and leave me alone. So I have come to the conclusion at this point that I have no idea what the future will hold for my body or insides. Its all the part if I ever have the courage to tell anyone. I know if I could move somewhere, away from everyone I know and if I had the money, I would change. But that is not gonna happen.

I guess it's good though that when I think about this, I don't get sad, or depressed or something. I just go into deep thought, or get aroused. Usually when I think about this, I write captions, or I look up porn and just envision myself as that girl in the porn. I am happy when I do this, it puts my mind in a state of pleasure. But there are times like this where I question, where I wonder...

Thoughts, comments, questions? Post 'em here or email me at isobellenichole@gmail.com