Saturday, December 3, 2011

December 2011 Update

Life is... Hmm... I really can't pick one adjective to describe life right now although chaotic might be the closest.

Since my last post, some things with my mother appear to be improving while others seem to be getting worse. It has been a very hard time. To see a loved one go through the pain and suffering is very agonizing, and to know you really can't do anything, it just tears at your soul, your very being. I am very fortunate to have the good friends that I do, they have been such wonderful human beings through all of this. They call and text all the time to just check up and see how things are going. We hang out a lot more, to take my mind off of this, if for only a brief time.

A friend of mine lost his father to lung cancer last month. That really hit me deep even though I did not know his father. I really don't know what to make of things regarding this situation, I'm just going day by day.

Despite this, other issues in my life have not slowed down at all. The gender issue is still growing within me. Ever since I figured out that I think this is what's been going on with me my whole life and accepted this, this issue has really taken over my whole being. I can't go a day, even an hour, without some thought, some feeling about how I don't feel right as a male and would feel better as a female.

Maybe it is because the stressful time already going on around me, but the last month or so has really been tough for me with the gender issue. It feels like it has been amplified within. The feelings are stronger and the thoughts more clear. Emotionally I feel like a wreck. I get a lot of people asking me "Are you alright? What's wrong?" I usually just tell them "Nothing. I'm just tired." Truth be told, I am tired. I have not got much sleep the past month. Starbucks has become a really good friend of mine lol.

But it is not as grim as I'm making it out to be, at least I don't think so. I'm trying to come up with plans, courses of action, roads to take. Right now I kinda feel like the only way to solve some issues and be happy in life is to transition. I don't know how I would do it, or even how I would pay for it, but that's why I'm trying to figure things out. This is the most serious I've ever been about this. In my heart and soul I am a woman, hopefully someday I won't have to cage myself inside this exterior male prison.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

A Somber Update

There are some things that are beyond our control in life. Those are the things we leave to God. I am not a religious person in life, but I do believe in a few things.

The next few months are probably going to be pretty rough for me and the rest of my family. My mother is not doing well. My emotions are all over the place right now. I am still at a loss for words for everything that has happened over the past couple of weeks and the news and updates that were received.

I don't know what the future holds from here, but certainly everything has changed course.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Life Of Agony

I want to apologize to anyone whom I normally chat with online and everybody else that I usually at least say hi to. I know I have not been around at all. For that I am sorry. Dealing with life and figuring out just how the hell this whole TG thing works with it has been really, really fucking hard lately.

Until a few weeks ago I had not been dwelling much on the TG issue. When I was online, I really didn't go near anything dealing with it either. Life, work, searching for a better job, friends, video games, and as always, music have been keeping my mind occupied. It was nice because for a couple months there I was actually starting to think that I was actually kinda happy with my life. I was down a lot less and there didn't seem to be as much pain in my life during this time. It was nice, but like a stone thrown into a glass house, it all shattered. Everything was just a false facade, a veil covering my eyes, hiding me from what really is. In a way, everything going on around me was like a painkiller numbing me. I knew it was there, the TG thing, it just wasn't bothering me as much.

I don't know if all that was a good thing or bad thing. Over the past couple of months, like I mentioned, my mind has not been on the TG issue much at all. That being said I have not dressed during that time either. I don't know why, I just did not have the urge to I guess. A few weeks ago, all the emotions, all the pain, the depressed moods, they all came flooding back. It was almost overwhelming to go from a time of almost at peace to turmoil and turbulence overnight.

It will always be there and it will never go away.

The mind is a fucked up thing. It really is. Like I'm really starting to believe that the reason why I feel like my life is a failure, that it's so messed up, so fucked up, is because the whole TG thing. Because I don't feel right in my own skin. I never have. All the insecurities I have, the lack of confidence in myself, the inadequacies (both sexual and non-sexual) I feel as a male, all of it I feel are because the sex of my body doesn't match the gender of my mind. At least that seems like the most logical explanation that my mind agrees upon.

But I really do think that is the truth. What else could explain the pain and jealousy I feel when I see a woman? What else could explain everything else that I feel? I really don't think anything else could explain it. The bad part is that because of all this, I have to live a life of pain. Pain that haunts me nearly everyday...

Sometimes I just feel like running away and starting my life over someplace far away. But where would I go? How would I get there? How could I just pick up and leave behind all those around me that I love? How would I survive once I got there? I don't think I would ever run away, but dammit it sure sounds like a good solution.

My situation in life right now prevents me from doing anything. And that really fucking sucks. The longer this goes on, the more the pain grows. I don't think I'm scared to do anything. No. I just don't want to burden those I live with with this. Yes I know sometimes we just have to do things for ourselves, but I guess I care too much for them to fuck up their perspective of me right now. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this though.

I keep searching for a way out, for a way to make my life better. I think though because of all the issues I have, it makes it harder. Countless job interviews that have resulted in nothing. The search becomes even harder when the light at the end of tunnel seems to be drifting further and further away. That leaves a scary thought in my head. What if the pain and despair get so bad and overwhelming that I end it all? It is scary to think about, and sometimes I do think about it, but I never want that to happen. Never.

The positive side is that I feel as long as I keep my faith in music that unfortunate end will never happen. I don't think I've ever mentioned it in this blog but music is the reason why I'm still alive. I've had bad times in my past and the only thing that kept me going was music. It gives me the strength to face another day. It has always been there for me. I won't call it a solution or cure, not by any means, but more of a tool, a method, to help cope with life.

Over the weekend I did see five bands whose music I have turned to for a long time now for strength. I would rank it as one of the greatest nights in all my life. I can't really describe how I felt other than "alive". Their music gives me so much energy, so much positive energy. Nothing else in life mattered other than the music entering my ears and seeing bands that I idolize play. It was amazing to see Machine Head, Megadeth, Hatebreed, Godsmack, and Disturbed all in the same day. (Yes, Mayhem Fest for anybody wondering.) The odd thing though, the TG thing didn't go away. I still had it in mind when I was at the show. (Women love to dress scantily at metal shows, kinda hard to miss them too.) But there was really no pain. I was so happy to be around the music that the only response, only thought I had was: "Man, I'd love to be like that and be able to dress like that and come to a show like this!" That was it. It was a happy thought about the desire to be a woman. And it was because of the music.

I just wish my everyday life was half as happy as that day was. I know the possible solution, but I can't figure out how to get there. The weekend was the peak of the emotional roller coaster, back to the downward trip until the next up. Life sucks this way.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Negative Environments, I Don't Need Them

Well I thought about this one before I posted it because I wasn't sure if I should post it or not. But I am going to post it after taking the time and cooling off.

Basically I was chatting with another TG person last night, a person who I've talked with before. It never really became very personal talk, but I think more generalistic in nature about the things we are both going through. This person has began to transition and is on HRT.

When we first met I thought this would be another great opportunity to talk with someone experiencing something in life similar to what I am experiencing. But the more I talked and the more messages shared, the more I thought this person was rather odd. Not that odd is bad, but to me this odd didn't mix well with the odd that I am. But that was fine, we still messaged each other on occasion.

But really things went south for me over the last couple of weeks, culminating with last night. What happened was this person was saying that my way of going about dealing with being TG and my decisions to wait until I have better handle on the rest of my life was utter bullshit and said that I am just stupid and afraid and that I will regret this later in life. No words of optimism, understanding, positive advice, or encouragement were spoken to me. According to this person I am full of bullshit and that I need to stop lying to myself and denying myself.

Well I'm never talking to this person ever again. I don't need negative in a time when positive helps the most. I think the way I am dealing with everything is in the best interest for myself at the current time. I am not going to do anything towards transition right now because it would be too stressful and I have a very high percentage of setting myself up to fail not only at that, but at life as well. I feel I am being smart and waiting until my life conditions are more favorable and will allow for a greater chance of success. I don't see how that is bullshit in any way nor do I see how I will regret anything when I'm trying to make it so I don't have regrets.

It is my life and I am going to live it how I want, when I want. I am being true to myself and there is nothing unrealistic about that.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Going Nowhere Sounds About Right

Life sure is an interesting beast. You never know quite what to expect, however more often than not you get what you didn't really want. That seems to be the common theme in my life story so far. I cannot say that where my life is at right now is where I wanted it to be. Every time I've tried to change it or get out life seems to throw me a curve ball or plow me straight into a wall and I'm stuck back at where I started.

I've been looking for months now for a better job opportunity. Nothing. I've been on several interviews but nothing came of them. It's so frustrating and depressing to know where I want to take my life but I can't get there. Sure there are plenty of minimum wage, part time jobs available, but I already have that. Why would I trade one shitty job for another?

I sometimes wish I could go back and tell myself not to follow what everybody thought I should do and what I would be the best at. Yes I did go to college for a field that I was intelligent enough to master, but I did not like it. I found out the hard way that you can be smart enough to do something, but if you don't enjoy it you will fail at it. But there's no sense in living in the past. So I've been trying to take what I have and what I've learned and try and do something with that.

It is so hard and painful to have dreams and aspirations for life when you can't do anything to move towards them. I feel I'm at a time in my life where I am ready to move on but the road is blocked. Maybe I'll have to just find a way around, but so far I can't figure that out either.

I often get asked why I'm so negative. The truth is, that's all I know. Yes there is some happiness in my life, but not enough to change my overall mood. Besides, I feel it is better that I get the negativity out instead of keeping it inside and letting it fester into bigger and worse things.

I find happiness in my friends, music, and my dreams. Although the happiness in my dreams is often followed by pain and sadness. I've been really trying to avoid dwelling on my hopes and dreams for long because I've been crashing hard from them recently. I've even been avoiding dressing. More and more, every time I dress, I just have this feeling in my heart of rightness. I see myself and I think I don't look too bad, I like what I see and there are even thoughts that "Hey, I look kinda sexy as a woman." I've been accepting my body for what it is and what can be done with it. Sure it will not be perfect supermodel dimensions, but more average, and I'm fine with that. For some reason I'm more comfortable knowing that information than I have ever been with my male body. Still it brings sadness and pain. Later on, having the memories of what I looked like, how it felt, and knowing that it can only be temporary for now, really hurts.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Rambling On

I really wish I could win the Powerball or something. I have so many dreams, so many things I want to do and see, so many things I want to listen to live and with my own ears, and there are countless things I would love to purchase and call my own. Unfortunately all these things cost money, everything costs money.

Who ever said money can't buy happiness was full of shit.

There is this club downtown that I would go to nearly every night of the week if I could afford to. There are so many amazing bands that play there, so many I'd love to see and to see again. I would love to travel the world and see all that my eyes can take in. If I could I would seek out and become my true self and not worry about any social reprocussions, any ostrization, or anything or anyone that would try to keep me down because I would not need them and say "Fuck you! I don't need you, this is who I am dammit!!"

Yeah I dream big. So what? I feel if nobody ever dared to dream big we'd all still be living in caves starting fires with two sticks and going out everyday to hunt our daily meals. We as humans were given the brain power to overcome these rudimentary basics and we have. We evolved and those things are no longer laborus chores. We live in houses, buildings, structures that provide for us. If we want food we just go to the cabinet, open up the refrigerator, use the stove or microwave, or even just pick up the phone and somebody will bring us food.

We as humans have figured the basics of living out so well that we can use much more of our mind power to focus on other issues. I would say the greatest being trying to figure our own selves out. We were given this gift of consciousness, of intelligence, of individuality. We became not just humans, but people.

Unfortunately there are humans out there who are opposed to learning about and discovering all there is to know and do in being human. Wars are started over religions and race. There is no compassion, only hate and misunderstanding. People are driven by greed and their own sense of fucked up morals. If people could see past cultural differences, past skin color, past religion, past gender and sexuality, they would see another human just like themselves.

Our brain power has been both a gift and a curse. We have unlimited potential to do whatever we want but we are held back by greed and prejudice. Hell, we as humans even manage to outright kill most anybody who dares say that we must set aside greed and prejudice and see each other as humans. I can't even imagine what the world would be like if instead of developing ways to kill one another we focused on helping one another.

"So you children of the world
Listen to what I say
If you want a better place to live in
Spread the word today
Show the world that love is still alive
You must be brave
Or you children of today are
Children of the Grave!"

Black Sabbath - Children of the Grave

Monday, March 28, 2011

Blowing Off Steam

I apologize for this post, but I needed to vent.

I was really excited to hear that a forum site had been established with the intent to specifically talk about crossdreaming. I thought this would be a good place to learn, grow, and talk with others about our experiences and such. I was hoping this would be a place of positivity and understanding.

I was dead wrong. The intent is good, unfortunately a few bad eggs spoil the whole thing. At first is seemed good. There were positive people, a couple I've talked with before. My hopes were up at this point because I really thought this would be an interesting site. Nope.

I tried posting a few times only to have nearly everything I said torn apart. Now I've spent nearly my whole life tearing apart my own beliefs and ridiculing myself, I don't need somebody else doing that as well to me. I understand that to have your ideas and beliefs tested is the best way for you to really see if you agree with them or not, but I don't need it on that level. I can understand a friendly challenge or disagreement, but trying to cut down what I'm saying is not necessary and it sure doesn't help at all.

Maybe I'm overreacting, maybe I just don't understand people. Maybe trying to take everything I've been dealt in life and make it as positive as I can is wrong in some way. Maybe I should never have thought that there are indeed decent and nice people out there. Maybe I never should have opened myself up. Maybe I never should have thought I could have a constructive conversation about a controversial subject.

Honestly I don't fucking care. Why should I? I try to be nice. I try to get along. I try my damnedest to be accepting of people and see their viewpoints. What happens? I usually meet an asshole somewhere that only cares for themselves and gets off on making others feel like shit.

You can call me a quitter, a whiner, whatever you can think of. I've heard them all. You won't hurt my feelings. I am not going back to that site though. At least not until the overall atmosphere is that of a positive one and people there learn to respect the beliefs of others and not bash everything that is said with false contradictions.

I choose not to associate myself with negativity on a subject that I am trying so very hard to figure out and live with in a way that will bring happiness to my life.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

From the Heart

Have you ever just laid on your bed and just stared up at the ceiling? Whenever I do I begin to think, very heavy thoughts too. I had this happen today, but there is a little bit of a story involved.

I found myself with time alone today. When this happens usually one or two or both always happen. Playing music loudly and/or dressing. I chose the later today. I just need it, needed that "me" time. It made me very happy, as it usually does, and I enjoyed every minute of it. After a while I noticed the time and decided it was time to go back to the boring world of male clothes as my alone time would not be alone for much longer.

So as I sat down on the edge of the bed to change, I just leaned back and found myself lying down staring up at the ceiling. My mind began to wander as all of the feelings my body was experiencing by the clothes on my body culminated into one thought. One clear vision. "I want to stay like this for the rest of my life." I looked down at myself, the clothes I had on, then back up at the ceiling. I was thinking again.

This is what truly makes me happy, to be a woman. I want to dress in these clothes and have my body match that form. There was no sexual drive or sexual thoughts influencing this. No. The only thing I could equate this to is a need to express myself as the form and in the form that brings me the most joy from life. That form I believe is my true identity, my core identity, my true self. I felt this in my heart.

As I continued to stare up, I started to think, "Well, what is next then?" I have to do something, I cannot be idle about this. I really, really want to transition. I have to figure out how to make it work. This is not coming from my mind, my sexual desires, or any of that. This is coming from the one place that counts the most, my heart. In my heart I know I am beautiful woman begging to be let out into the world.

Days like today make me just want to say "Fuck everything! I don't care about the social reprocussions, the potential loss of relationships or anything. I just want to be me! I have to be me." The reality in this is that I know the path my heart wants to take. It is probably just a matter of time before the rest of me wants nothing else than to go on this path as well.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Small Update and a Poem

I apologize for the lack of updates. It's just that nothing really has happened or been happening that is worth writing about. I have still yet to find a suitable job so that I may continue on my journey. I just can't really do anything on the money that I do make, and that includes things I love doing like going to concerts. Unfortunately the job market where I live just plain sucks. So yeah...

I have began to make captions again. I felt inspired to write again. Plus I wanted to at least get some together for the two year anniversary of my caption blog at the end of the month. Not only does it mark two years since the blog began, but also two years since I really opened myself up to the online TG community. This month really marks two years since I started on this journey of self discovery. Two years seems like a long time, but I know I am far from the end of the road. I have learned a lot and I will continue to learn even more.

I would like to share this poem I wrote. It is about the music I love and it gives a glimpse as to why I dedicate so much of my life to it.

Ode to Metal

Dear Heavy Metal,

You are my savior and redeemer
My release and my healer
You give me strength when I am weak
Save me when I am bleak
My darkest demons you reveal
My deepest secrets you conceal
For everything I am, you said I was not alone
In you I found a home
You showed me a better way than suicide
From your very words I cried
You taught me morals and individuality
In you, I found me
You gave me a life when I had none
For this I will follow you until my days are done

Sunday, February 13, 2011

My Heart Aches, but My Hair Smells Nice

There has been much pain in my heart lately. So much of my dreams rely on finding a source of income that would allow me to further myself. The problem is the job market where I live is not offering much. I have been searching, but so far, nothing.

Its not only the fact that my dreams are still on hold that is getting to me, its winter. Winter as a whole, I do not like. Snow can beautiful but that's it. The cold, bitter winds, and lack of green life make the Earth seem in a death like state. The trees reduced to skeletons as their leafy flesh is stripped away from the cold. The green grass and wondrous flowers have lost their luster and have been buried under the blankets of nature's own white death. The animals have all gone away in search of places where life still exists. Winter is cold, reminiscent of death. Winter puts me in a morbid mood. I'm tired of this season. I yearn to see green and life once again.

Perhaps someday I'll move to a place that does not see such harsh winters. The future is an amazing thing, sometimes it's unfortunate that today has to come before tomorrow.

I suppose a positive is that my hair does in fact smell nice. I tried a different conditioner. A girl I work with suggested it to me. She said she uses it and loves it and said it might help to tame my wild hair. I must say that it has helped. My hair is not as frizzy and seems to be softer. I have also noticed less knots in my hair too. I think I'm going to stick with this conditioner because I have definitely noticed an improvement in my hair's appearance. The conditioner I'm using now is Pantene. I would recommend it for sure.

I just wish spring would hurry up and get here.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Read a Book

I read a book over the weekend. I heard about this book from a person whom I follow their vlogs on youtube. SamanthaZero34 if you are curious. The book is Understanding Transgender Diversity: A Sensible Explanation of Sexual and Gender Identities by Claire Ruth Winter. This was the first book I've read that deals with the subject of transgenderism. I typically don't read many books, those that know me know I would more prefer to sit and listen to music.

Anyway. I just felt compelled to read this book, like I should read it. So a quick trip to and it was on it's way to my mailbox. It is a shorter book, being only around 190 pages long. Well worth the read though.

I really can't say that I learned anything new by reading this book, (I learn quite a bit from browsing around the internet and talking to others) but I am still glad I took the time to read it. If anything it was a great reassurance of all the feelings and ideas I have within me. Although the book is geared toward helping others understand the idea of what it means to be transgender and the struggles, both inner and outer, that we as transgender people face, it is still note worthy for anybody to read. And since I'm terrible at book reviews, this is what the editorial review states:

"Understanding Transgender Diversity presents a fresh and remarkably clear look at the highly individual nature of human sexuality: why a vast spectrum of self-identities-including those we call "transgender"-will always exist. Part I offers a new model of human sexuality that's both logical and intuitive, enhanced by many creative diagrams and the author's personal experience. Part II provides a well-organized overview of the myriad forms of transgender expression, while Part III sheds thought-provoking light on the many kinds of relationships we can have with transgender people and how best to cope with and benefit from these. Though relatively short, this book is rich in content, written in an engaging and often witty style that draws you in from the beginning and keeps you reading with fascination to the end."

The one big thing that I really loved about this book was the idea that we are all humans and all individuals that was presented in the text. Each of us has this core identity, sometimes this is buried deep within us under layers and layers of social conditioning. It is because of society and the history of humans and our nature to segregate and label everything we are that sometimes to be our true selves puts us on the outside of what is considered "normal" or deviant from the social average. To show the world our true self is often the riskiest thing we can do in life. The idea being that we as humans must unlearn what we've been taught and learn to live with open minds. We are all humans after all and each of us with our own identity that makes each of us unique and different from one another, but that at it's core is what it means to be human.

This is something I strongly believe in. I would not be on this journey otherwise. I learned long ago, mostly through the music I listen to and personal experience, that society suppresses and ostracizes that which does not fit within its mold of what it believes a human should be. That's okay with me though. The other thing I learned is that I like being here on the outside. I know that I am striving to be an individual in this world, to know my true self. If that puts me on the outside for who I am, so be it. At least out here I can be with others who took a stand and said "I am who I am and I'm not going to be anybody else because I can't." Out here we can see the faults and try to educate others and make this world a better place.

I know that I would not trade the life I have for any other in this world. The life I am living, the path I am on, makes me who I am, makes me an individual, makes me human. Sure everything is not the best all the time and I've a long way to go, but I know I am getting in touch with my core identity. This journey is my own and no one else has the same experiences as I do. I am an individual and will continue to be one until the day I die.

"This above all: to thine own self be true." - William Shakespeare

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Happy New Year: Take Two

I feel like writing since my mood is far lifted from what it has been the past week. My mood was just about at an all time low. Most of the past week I spent sleeping, feeling like shit, and just crying. I don't know what triggered it though, I just woke up like that one day last week. I know I couldn't shake it though, it was just there, always there, dragging me down. It effected every part of my life too because several times I got asked by those close to me if I was alright. I just really don't know what caused it though, or why it lasted as long as it did. I do know though, what was on my mind the entire time.

Womanhood. Becoming a woman and transitioning. That is what was on my mind the entire time. Everytime I would think about it I would be left in tears. Every thought clawed at my heart. I was in so much pain. It felt almost like my spirit broke down and I was left in ruins. As I looked at all the shattered pieces of my life, trying to put them back together, I realized something. In my heart I know the answer. In my heart I know exactly what I want. I didn't deny it or try to hide it or try to make an excuse and cover it up.

With tear filled eyes and the stains of dried tears on my cheeks I opened my mouth and said aloud to myself exactly what my heart was saying to me. I want more than anything to have my body changed to match my insides. Tears began to flow again as I spoke my heart, "I want to be a woman and I want to try to do whatever I must to make it happen." At long last happiness broke through. It was like a 200 ton weight was lifted from my shoulders. I felt calm and relaxed.

That was a couple of days ago. I do not take back what I said though. I do want to be a woman and I do want to try and do whatever it takes to get there. That does not mean, however, that I have decided to transition. It means I want to and I am not denying that fact. It means that not much really will change at this point, other than I feel a great comfort knowing this fact about myself and accepting it. Before I was never quite sure, never quite 100% there if I wanted it or not. That doubt is gone, my heart has spoken.

Again, my spirits are so lifted right now, I'm so happy. I even decided to do some cleaning over the weekend because I was feeling better. One of the things I faced was part of one of my New Year's Resolutions. I cleaned out my liquor cabinet. (Yes I do have an actual cabinet :P ) I cleaned it all out. All that is left are a few glasses and shot glasses and an empty bottle of brandy. (I thought the bottle looked interesting and would make a good shelf decoration someday. So I kept it.) I am really serious about this drinking less. I don't want to say I am quitting, I still like being able to indulge every once in a while with some friends. I just really want to cut back. There are very deep personal reasons behind this. Something happened back in November, on my birthday of all days, that really opened my eyes. It was nothing I did, but a family member. I was really upset at what happened. Yes this thing involved alcohol. I just remember in December I was drinking a little more than I usually do. I woke up one morning with a hangover and realized if I stay on this path someday I may end up like that family member. I don't want that. I never want that.

There is a song I listen to everyday that reminds me of that family member and why I never want to be like that. I've been listening to it everyday since my birthday. Yes it brings some anger with it, but for me it is a positive reminder of everything. I may share it if anybody really wants to know.

So my year got off to a bit of a rough start. Right now I have a fresh positive vibe within me. I have a goal and determination. I have inspiration. I know what lies in heart.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Bye Bye 2010

Well Christmas has past and the year 2010 is in the history books. Aside from the leaps and bounds I've made discovering myself, it has been a rather uneventful year for me. I've made some new friends, good ones too, and lost a job. I saw more live music this past year than I have ever seen before. I suppose all in all it was a good year.

Despite that, December has been utter torment upon my very being. Work has taken it's toll on me and I am worn out past being worn out. All I've done is work and sleep. When I'm awake I can't keep my mind focused on anything long enough to do something. I feel almost like a mindless drone who has been running on Monster Energy the whole month. I've had a few days break now and I'm starting to feel more like myself again.

The new year has arrived. I don't usually see this as a really big event, sorta like the going away party for Christmas every year. All the decorations are put away, stores have one last big sale event, all the festivities come to a close, and the calendar tells us we have ended an age and are beginning a new one. Being in the middle of winter, I don't usually see this as a new beginning to anything, other than I have to change calendars. Spring time feels more like rebirth and new beginnings to me, but ohh well.

In spite of that, I have made a few resolutions for the new year. First and foremost, I have decided that I want to drink less alcohol this year. There are a lot of personal reasons behind this, ones that involve family and me not wanting to be like certain people. I'm doing good on this one so far, this was the first New Years in a long while that I did not drink at all. It was very nice to wake up without a headache and go searching for the toilet first thing after I stood up. Second is the ever popular lose weight. Last year I didn't do good on that one, I ended the year the same as when I started, no gain, but no loss either. Third is an easy one, be true to myself. That's pretty much it. They are simple and ones that most likely won't get broken or set aside for next year.

For the time being I am going to take a break from writing captions. I just feel like I've lost my groove and have been out of it. I have, however, been reading captions alot lately. They have bringing back many feelings that I have not felt in some time. Including that burning desire to be female. It feels good to have this feeling, it gives me a sort of peace inside. I feel happy when I can imagine myself as a woman, picture myself in everyday life as a woman. I even had a dream about it last night. It wasn't anything spectacular, just me as a woman walking around at a concert. I do remember the most visual part of this dream was me putting on makeup before leaving the house. That was interesting, I never had that in a dream before, at least that I can remember.

Well that's my little update. Happy New Year to all! :)