Life Of Agony

I want to apologize to anyone whom I normally chat with online and everybody else that I usually at least say hi to. I know I have not been around at all. For that I am sorry. Dealing with life and figuring out just how the hell this whole TG thing works with it has been really, really fucking hard lately.

Until a few weeks ago I had not been dwelling much on the TG issue. When I was online, I really didn't go near anything dealing with it either. Life, work, searching for a better job, friends, video games, and as always, music have been keeping my mind occupied. It was nice because for a couple months there I was actually starting to think that I was actually kinda happy with my life. I was down a lot less and there didn't seem to be as much pain in my life during this time. It was nice, but like a stone thrown into a glass house, it all shattered. Everything was just a false facade, a veil covering my eyes, hiding me from what really is. In a way, everything going on around me was like a painkiller numbing me. I knew it was there, the TG thing, it just wasn't bothering me as much.

I don't know if all that was a good thing or bad thing. Over the past couple of months, like I mentioned, my mind has not been on the TG issue much at all. That being said I have not dressed during that time either. I don't know why, I just did not have the urge to I guess. A few weeks ago, all the emotions, all the pain, the depressed moods, they all came flooding back. It was almost overwhelming to go from a time of almost at peace to turmoil and turbulence overnight.

It will always be there and it will never go away.

The mind is a fucked up thing. It really is. Like I'm really starting to believe that the reason why I feel like my life is a failure, that it's so messed up, so fucked up, is because the whole TG thing. Because I don't feel right in my own skin. I never have. All the insecurities I have, the lack of confidence in myself, the inadequacies (both sexual and non-sexual) I feel as a male, all of it I feel are because the sex of my body doesn't match the gender of my mind. At least that seems like the most logical explanation that my mind agrees upon.

But I really do think that is the truth. What else could explain the pain and jealousy I feel when I see a woman? What else could explain everything else that I feel? I really don't think anything else could explain it. The bad part is that because of all this, I have to live a life of pain. Pain that haunts me nearly everyday...

Sometimes I just feel like running away and starting my life over someplace far away. But where would I go? How would I get there? How could I just pick up and leave behind all those around me that I love? How would I survive once I got there? I don't think I would ever run away, but dammit it sure sounds like a good solution.

My situation in life right now prevents me from doing anything. And that really fucking sucks. The longer this goes on, the more the pain grows. I don't think I'm scared to do anything. No. I just don't want to burden those I live with with this. Yes I know sometimes we just have to do things for ourselves, but I guess I care too much for them to fuck up their perspective of me right now. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this though.

I keep searching for a way out, for a way to make my life better. I think though because of all the issues I have, it makes it harder. Countless job interviews that have resulted in nothing. The search becomes even harder when the light at the end of tunnel seems to be drifting further and further away. That leaves a scary thought in my head. What if the pain and despair get so bad and overwhelming that I end it all? It is scary to think about, and sometimes I do think about it, but I never want that to happen. Never.

The positive side is that I feel as long as I keep my faith in music that unfortunate end will never happen. I don't think I've ever mentioned it in this blog but music is the reason why I'm still alive. I've had bad times in my past and the only thing that kept me going was music. It gives me the strength to face another day. It has always been there for me. I won't call it a solution or cure, not by any means, but more of a tool, a method, to help cope with life.

Over the weekend I did see five bands whose music I have turned to for a long time now for strength. I would rank it as one of the greatest nights in all my life. I can't really describe how I felt other than "alive". Their music gives me so much energy, so much positive energy. Nothing else in life mattered other than the music entering my ears and seeing bands that I idolize play. It was amazing to see Machine Head, Megadeth, Hatebreed, Godsmack, and Disturbed all in the same day. (Yes, Mayhem Fest for anybody wondering.) The odd thing though, the TG thing didn't go away. I still had it in mind when I was at the show. (Women love to dress scantily at metal shows, kinda hard to miss them too.) But there was really no pain. I was so happy to be around the music that the only response, only thought I had was: "Man, I'd love to be like that and be able to dress like that and come to a show like this!" That was it. It was a happy thought about the desire to be a woman. And it was because of the music.

I just wish my everyday life was half as happy as that day was. I know the possible solution, but I can't figure out how to get there. The weekend was the peak of the emotional roller coaster, back to the downward trip until the next up. Life sucks this way.