So today was... Well I don't know any exact word to describe it. It was kinda all over the place emotional wise. The day started off very stressful at work, but I tried to remain positive, but as the morning wore on, my patience wore off. I slowly slipped into an anger/depressed/hate my life state. Not good by any means. So I began trying things to change my mood. I ate some lunch, no help, tried thinking of happy things, no help, even music did not help. So I left myself in silence. This lasted a few hours but out of nowhere I snapped out of it as a thought popped into my head. A glorious thought that saved my day.
What was this thought? Simple. Why should I care that much about work, why should I let it get me so worked up over it? Why? All it is there for is a method for me to make money. I should not let it consume my life. My life should not be about a meaningless job in which I will not make any impact whatsoever. My life should be about me and what I really want. I should not worry so much about my past or what sort of impact things I do today should have on tomorrow. Live for the moment, do what you feel is right at the time. But what if you do is wrong, or a mistake? Simple, learn from it.
I then started to think about me being different and how sometimes I get thoughts of wanting to just be normal. And I said to myself "Why the fuck would you ever want to be normal? Being different makes life fun and interesting and unpredictable. Being different made you the person you are, embrace it." And then a thought sent a chill down my spine. I thought "Well being transgender makes me different right? Right. It's about as different as I can be. Being transgender is a part of who I am, it makes me, me. Why should I keep trying to figure out the why and focus more on the what. As in what can I do with this, what does being transgender mean for my life?"
My random and lightning quick thinking paused as a chill ran down my spine. It is true. I should stop trying to figure out why I am the way I am. Just let it be because I'll prolly never know the answer. Or maybe it is as simple as several have told me, that my mind is that of a female and it's trapped in a male body. Whatevers. I need to focus more on what being transgender is going to mean for my life. As of right now I have no idea as this ideal of thinking only entered my mind a few hours ago.
But all this quickly elevated my mood to that of being happy. I wore a smile on my face for the rest of the day, even up until now. I turned to music to help me proclaim my happiness. I needed one song inparticular to start off my new way of thinking. Live for the Moment.
Thoughts, questions, comments? Post 'em below or email me. :)