Thursday, May 27, 2010

Live for the Moment

So today was... Well I don't know any exact word to describe it. It was kinda all over the place emotional wise. The day started off very stressful at work, but I tried to remain positive, but as the morning wore on, my patience wore off. I slowly slipped into an anger/depressed/hate my life state. Not good by any means. So I began trying things to change my mood. I ate some lunch, no help, tried thinking of happy things, no help, even music did not help. So I left myself in silence. This lasted a few hours but out of nowhere I snapped out of it as a thought popped into my head. A glorious thought that saved my day.

What was this thought? Simple. Why should I care that much about work, why should I let it get me so worked up over it? Why? All it is there for is a method for me to make money. I should not let it consume my life. My life should not be about a meaningless job in which I will not make any impact whatsoever. My life should be about me and what I really want. I should not worry so much about my past or what sort of impact things I do today should have on tomorrow. Live for the moment, do what you feel is right at the time. But what if you do is wrong, or a mistake? Simple, learn from it.

I then started to think about me being different and how sometimes I get thoughts of wanting to just be normal. And I said to myself "Why the fuck would you ever want to be normal? Being different makes life fun and interesting and unpredictable. Being different made you the person you are, embrace it." And then a thought sent a chill down my spine. I thought "Well being transgender makes me different right? Right. It's about as different as I can be. Being transgender is a part of who I am, it makes me, me. Why should I keep trying to figure out the why and focus more on the what. As in what can I do with this, what does being transgender mean for my life?"

My random and lightning quick thinking paused as a chill ran down my spine. It is true. I should stop trying to figure out why I am the way I am. Just let it be because I'll prolly never know the answer. Or maybe it is as simple as several have told me, that my mind is that of a female and it's trapped in a male body. Whatevers. I need to focus more on what being transgender is going to mean for my life. As of right now I have no idea as this ideal of thinking only entered my mind a few hours ago.

But all this quickly elevated my mood to that of being happy. I wore a smile on my face for the rest of the day, even up until now. I turned to music to help me proclaim my happiness. I needed one song inparticular to start off my new way of thinking. Live for the Moment.

Thoughts, questions, comments? Post 'em below or email me. :)

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Spring is Here

So there have been several things that have happened to me since my last post here. Things that, well at least some of them, I'd consider big steps. On a whole my attitude and mood have been positive. Afterall it is spring time and it's hard to stay down when the world around you is breathing new life unto itself. Aside from my allergies, lol, I love spring time. New life, new beginnings, fresh starts, new attitudes, it is a time of rebirth. And in all honesty, I feel that I am on the verge of a rebirth myself. It may not be my body that gets a rebirth, but more of my attitude and the way I perceive myself.

So I'll start with something that happened today. It was one of those days at work that you just wish never happened, just uggghhhhhhhh be over already!! So I got home, in a bitter mood, but was thankful to be home. I had not planned it, or even thought about it, but I found myself with some alone time and before I even realized what I was doing I was pulling out things to dress. I needed it. I had an opportunity and I took full advantage of it. I didn't go all out though, just something simple and easy. Bra, panties, a simple dress and my new boots. I felt right in the clothes even though my body did not match them, I felt right. I noticed as I walked around in my heeled boots that walking feminine is beginning to feel more natural to me. I do practice quite often when no one is around. So I sat down and was just enjoying my time dressed en fem and I realized something. I'm not really a dress kinda girl. Sure I'd wear them for special occasions and whatnot, but like for an everyday clothing item, no way. I'd be much more of a pants or even skirt girl. And it's not like I felt wrong in it, it was just like I looked at myself and it was not my style. I know, I'm soooo weird. I'd still totally rock the boots though. lol.

Speaking of my new boots, I got them two weekends ago. I am very proud of them. One because I just love them. Knee high patent leather boots with a 4 inch heel. Like OMG!! I love them! lol. But I think I am most proud of them because these are the first pieces of women's attire that I have purchased in public. I mean it's so easy to buy online or the ever popular "borrowing", but to actually go to a store, with other people in it, and buy fem items is really hard, especially for your first time. But I did it. I was very proud of myself for getting the courage to do it.

And with the whole courage theme I did something this past weekend that I never imagined myself doing, while being male anyway. Something came over me about two weeks ago that told me I need to do this. It was definitely not my male side at all, it was coming from my female side. I still do not know why or where this urge came from, all I know is I acted on it and did it. I am speaking of course of getting my ears pierced. I know it is not uncommon for a guy to get them pierced, but I just never pictured me, as a guy, getting them done. But here I sit typing this with a metal half circle hanging from each ear lobe. The interesting thing is really nobody has said anything about them. Not even my work. But that is a big relief. I was so worried about what others would say or how they would react. I mean I was not even worried about the actual piercing part.

I was actually looking forward to it. Getting my ears pierced is the first time I've ever done something to my body that can be considered body modification. And I look at it and it was not really that big of a deal. I mean I kinda want more piercings now, lol. Damn you work and your restrictions. lol. But I think it's good that I have taken a step and altered my body in some way. I consider it a small step towards bigger things if they ever come.

So a bit of an update on that hair cutting thing I mentioned a while back. I refuse to cut my hair. I just cannot do it, I can't sacrifice part of who I am. So I did not get the advancement because of my decision. Ohh well. I'm actually thinking of starting to look for another job anyways. This one is just not what I was hoping it would be. But such is trial and error.

I suppose the good thing is I'm still trying to look on the bright side of things. I've been really listening to alot of music lately, and not just like passively listening, but really listening to the music and lyrics. It helps me alot, it keeps me positive (however negative the lyrics :P ), and it just gives me an energy, a vibe that nothing else in life can give me. I guess that proves once again that above all music is my life blood. :)

Thoughts, Questions, Comments? Post 'em here or email me. :)