Saturday, May 21, 2011

Negative Environments, I Don't Need Them

Well I thought about this one before I posted it because I wasn't sure if I should post it or not. But I am going to post it after taking the time and cooling off.

Basically I was chatting with another TG person last night, a person who I've talked with before. It never really became very personal talk, but I think more generalistic in nature about the things we are both going through. This person has began to transition and is on HRT.

When we first met I thought this would be another great opportunity to talk with someone experiencing something in life similar to what I am experiencing. But the more I talked and the more messages shared, the more I thought this person was rather odd. Not that odd is bad, but to me this odd didn't mix well with the odd that I am. But that was fine, we still messaged each other on occasion.

But really things went south for me over the last couple of weeks, culminating with last night. What happened was this person was saying that my way of going about dealing with being TG and my decisions to wait until I have better handle on the rest of my life was utter bullshit and said that I am just stupid and afraid and that I will regret this later in life. No words of optimism, understanding, positive advice, or encouragement were spoken to me. According to this person I am full of bullshit and that I need to stop lying to myself and denying myself.

Well I'm never talking to this person ever again. I don't need negative in a time when positive helps the most. I think the way I am dealing with everything is in the best interest for myself at the current time. I am not going to do anything towards transition right now because it would be too stressful and I have a very high percentage of setting myself up to fail not only at that, but at life as well. I feel I am being smart and waiting until my life conditions are more favorable and will allow for a greater chance of success. I don't see how that is bullshit in any way nor do I see how I will regret anything when I'm trying to make it so I don't have regrets.

It is my life and I am going to live it how I want, when I want. I am being true to myself and there is nothing unrealistic about that.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Going Nowhere Sounds About Right

Life sure is an interesting beast. You never know quite what to expect, however more often than not you get what you didn't really want. That seems to be the common theme in my life story so far. I cannot say that where my life is at right now is where I wanted it to be. Every time I've tried to change it or get out life seems to throw me a curve ball or plow me straight into a wall and I'm stuck back at where I started.

I've been looking for months now for a better job opportunity. Nothing. I've been on several interviews but nothing came of them. It's so frustrating and depressing to know where I want to take my life but I can't get there. Sure there are plenty of minimum wage, part time jobs available, but I already have that. Why would I trade one shitty job for another?

I sometimes wish I could go back and tell myself not to follow what everybody thought I should do and what I would be the best at. Yes I did go to college for a field that I was intelligent enough to master, but I did not like it. I found out the hard way that you can be smart enough to do something, but if you don't enjoy it you will fail at it. But there's no sense in living in the past. So I've been trying to take what I have and what I've learned and try and do something with that.

It is so hard and painful to have dreams and aspirations for life when you can't do anything to move towards them. I feel I'm at a time in my life where I am ready to move on but the road is blocked. Maybe I'll have to just find a way around, but so far I can't figure that out either.

I often get asked why I'm so negative. The truth is, that's all I know. Yes there is some happiness in my life, but not enough to change my overall mood. Besides, I feel it is better that I get the negativity out instead of keeping it inside and letting it fester into bigger and worse things.

I find happiness in my friends, music, and my dreams. Although the happiness in my dreams is often followed by pain and sadness. I've been really trying to avoid dwelling on my hopes and dreams for long because I've been crashing hard from them recently. I've even been avoiding dressing. More and more, every time I dress, I just have this feeling in my heart of rightness. I see myself and I think I don't look too bad, I like what I see and there are even thoughts that "Hey, I look kinda sexy as a woman." I've been accepting my body for what it is and what can be done with it. Sure it will not be perfect supermodel dimensions, but more average, and I'm fine with that. For some reason I'm more comfortable knowing that information than I have ever been with my male body. Still it brings sadness and pain. Later on, having the memories of what I looked like, how it felt, and knowing that it can only be temporary for now, really hurts.