Sunday, March 21, 2010

An Update, or me Rambling?

Well I think I'll give an update. Mostly cause I'm in a good mood right now and feel sorta talkative. Hehe. So sorry up front if this gets random or just turns into me babbling. Hehe.

Well first I'd like to say something about my last couple of posts. They were not happy posts by any means. I wanted to keep the vibe here of a positive feel, but life is just not that way. I am much better now, but I think that rough stretch was something that really made me think. Like even though it was a not so good time for me, I think it was valuable in my journey. I feel like it was even further proof that maybe my outside is just not right. Like it was surge of more of my inner female taking control in some ways. And I do believe that because I can't remember any time in my life that I have cried so much. It just seems lately that there will be things that just bring tears to my eyes. Good or bad things too. I feel more emotional than ever before. I feel more and more like my male label just doesn't fit me.

-Changing Directions-

Okay, so the past week or so has I think been really interesting. I dare say even fun at some points. So with I just said about the control thing, with that I have been letting Isobelle have some control, like just giving her control, for fun. Hehe, omg it was fun! Like when no one has been around and I'm alone, I've been practicing walking more like a girl. Ohhh wow it feels incredible to do that. Like to just walk and sway your hips, keeping your legs close together. Fuck I felt so much like a woman doing that! Everytime I did that I felt so happy afterwards. :) One bad thing though is that I think when I was out shopping yesterday, my inner girl was in control. Like I spent way more than what I wanted to spend and bought stuff I really didn't need, but when I saw them I was all like"OMG I totally need this!" So $200 plus later I've decided that I have to be careful when shopping. Hahahaha.

Ok, something that I'm not sure if it means anything big or not, but I have been trying to figure out how to make my voice sound more feminine. It's really hard. Like I know I can change my voice, but that is usually in the opposite direction. Like I'm decent at doing death metal style vocals, but those are deep gutteral things. Not very feminine. Hehe. Unless you count my imitations of Angela Gossow from Arch Enemy. Hehe. But still, just talking is really hard and it's something that I'm gonna continue to work on.

-Changing Again O_o -

Well not to try to kill the upbeat mood, but there is something major in my life that I have to deal with. Ok, so for those of you who don't know, I have long hair. Like even though I cut six inches off the other day to get rid of all the dead, split ends, it still comes downs to about the middle of my back. So like the problem is that my boss confronted me about my hair. Basically he told me that I would need to cut my hair to advance. I think he was even hinting at like if I did not cut my hair I could be out of a job. He said it was because of a public image thing for the company.

First I am so hurt by this. My long hair represents so many things to me. Mainly my devotion to my music, but also recently it has become very important to my inner female self. My hair is who I am, I am very proud of it. I know that if I did cut it I would never forgive myself. I have talked to some people about this and some say it's bullshit that I should have to cut my hair (which I completely agree with), and some have said cut it and move on. Yeah I know hair grows back. But it's not that. I guess in some way I feel that I have to stand up and say that long hair is not bad, does not make me a bad person. Like just because I have long hair should not matter. Afterall, girls have long hair right? Why can't a guy? I start thinking about it and I start getting so pissed about it. I hate business type people who only live in their little box of a world and don't care to experience anything outside of that, let alone try and understand anything outside of that. I don't know. This hair cutting thing hits me deep. I would love to walk up to them and say "Fuck you, you arrogant, discriminating assholes! My hair is who I am dammit! If you can't see past it, then fuck you! I don't need to work for some asshole who doesn't understand human expression!" But I still need a job.

-Last Direction Change :P -

Well side from that, things have been good. One maybe weird thing, was last night I was out to dinner with friends, and as I was sitting there I looked around at the table. One side had my friend and his girl across from me, and on the side I sat was me and another guy friend. I looked across at her and then over at my friend sitting next to me and thought that if I were a girl it would be so cool. Like she would have another girl in the group to talk to and he could have a girl. Hehe, many thoughts crossed my mind right then and there. Ohhhhh to be a girl! But then I looked at him again and realized, he would totally not be my type. Hahaha.

Little things like that really make me believe that if I were a girl my life would be better. Like if I were a girl I would not have to hide such feelings. I could express myself more freely as a woman. Like I know it took many years to fully express my musical love to the rest of the world as I do now. I definitely do not make my love of music hidden, it's out there in the open, right up front and I am incredibly proud of it. I wish I could do that with my desire to be female, but I guess it will either just take time or never happen. I hope all it takes is time. Being trapped and not being able to express your true feelings really sucks. I think I am moving towards being able to express myself truly though, which I think is good. :)

Thoughts, comments, questions? Post 'em below or email me. :)

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Still Down

Where oh where to begin... Well I guess I could start by saying that since my terrible day, things have gotten better I suppose. Although it feels like that day never did die and lingers with me still. I don't remember feeling this down so much in like years. It feels like I want something more from life, that like what I have or what I am is not me. I have had this feeling since like forever that this life I'm living is out of place. I've always fantasized about having a different life for as long as I can remember. I guess it never really hit me that maybe all that wanting a different life quite possibly is the reason why I would want to be female. It makes sense to me that that is the answer. But it just, idk... And I'm back to the telling other people story and the acceptance thing. I don't know...

Like my mind has been a complete mess the past week and a half. My desire is very strong and it gets me down that I cannot fulfill my desire right now. Like today, all morning I was dwelling on it. It was kinda strange, cause my mind told me that I was sad and feeling down, yet my insides felt like they were aroused at wanting to be female. I don't know how to describe this feeling really. It feels like its below my stomach, but above my privates. It feels like a kinda anxious, knotty, sorta scared feeling, sense of arousal feeling. Idk, it kinda reminds of how a girl once told me it felt to her to be aroused. Yet I do not get hard with this feeling. But I know it has to be related to being aroused or turned on. Like whenever I got a thought of something that I know turns me on or saw any form of sexy woman, it was like a surge that went through me. It was like the feeling instantly intensified and then went back down. It felt so good.

But like still with this good feeling, I still feel down. Maybe it's because that the feeling doesn't fit the body it's in. Like it's taking place in the wrong body, that I do not have the right equipment to fully enjoy it. Things like this drive me insane thinking about them. And it's what I think about when I feel like this. It's not like I try to think about it, it just pops in my head.

*Sigh* I wish there was an answer, a solution that would make me happy and let me still have a life where everyone accepts me. Tina, you said it perfectly. I too wish I could just go away and start over somewhere and just be me, who I really am, not hide anything, and everybody accepts that, accepts me.

Thoughts, comments, questions? Post 'em below or email me.