Monday, March 28, 2011

Blowing Off Steam

I apologize for this post, but I needed to vent.

I was really excited to hear that a forum site had been established with the intent to specifically talk about crossdreaming. I thought this would be a good place to learn, grow, and talk with others about our experiences and such. I was hoping this would be a place of positivity and understanding.

I was dead wrong. The intent is good, unfortunately a few bad eggs spoil the whole thing. At first is seemed good. There were positive people, a couple I've talked with before. My hopes were up at this point because I really thought this would be an interesting site. Nope.

I tried posting a few times only to have nearly everything I said torn apart. Now I've spent nearly my whole life tearing apart my own beliefs and ridiculing myself, I don't need somebody else doing that as well to me. I understand that to have your ideas and beliefs tested is the best way for you to really see if you agree with them or not, but I don't need it on that level. I can understand a friendly challenge or disagreement, but trying to cut down what I'm saying is not necessary and it sure doesn't help at all.

Maybe I'm overreacting, maybe I just don't understand people. Maybe trying to take everything I've been dealt in life and make it as positive as I can is wrong in some way. Maybe I should never have thought that there are indeed decent and nice people out there. Maybe I never should have opened myself up. Maybe I never should have thought I could have a constructive conversation about a controversial subject.

Honestly I don't fucking care. Why should I? I try to be nice. I try to get along. I try my damnedest to be accepting of people and see their viewpoints. What happens? I usually meet an asshole somewhere that only cares for themselves and gets off on making others feel like shit.

You can call me a quitter, a whiner, whatever you can think of. I've heard them all. You won't hurt my feelings. I am not going back to that site though. At least not until the overall atmosphere is that of a positive one and people there learn to respect the beliefs of others and not bash everything that is said with false contradictions.

I choose not to associate myself with negativity on a subject that I am trying so very hard to figure out and live with in a way that will bring happiness to my life.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

From the Heart

Have you ever just laid on your bed and just stared up at the ceiling? Whenever I do I begin to think, very heavy thoughts too. I had this happen today, but there is a little bit of a story involved.

I found myself with time alone today. When this happens usually one or two or both always happen. Playing music loudly and/or dressing. I chose the later today. I just need it, needed that "me" time. It made me very happy, as it usually does, and I enjoyed every minute of it. After a while I noticed the time and decided it was time to go back to the boring world of male clothes as my alone time would not be alone for much longer.

So as I sat down on the edge of the bed to change, I just leaned back and found myself lying down staring up at the ceiling. My mind began to wander as all of the feelings my body was experiencing by the clothes on my body culminated into one thought. One clear vision. "I want to stay like this for the rest of my life." I looked down at myself, the clothes I had on, then back up at the ceiling. I was thinking again.

This is what truly makes me happy, to be a woman. I want to dress in these clothes and have my body match that form. There was no sexual drive or sexual thoughts influencing this. No. The only thing I could equate this to is a need to express myself as the form and in the form that brings me the most joy from life. That form I believe is my true identity, my core identity, my true self. I felt this in my heart.

As I continued to stare up, I started to think, "Well, what is next then?" I have to do something, I cannot be idle about this. I really, really want to transition. I have to figure out how to make it work. This is not coming from my mind, my sexual desires, or any of that. This is coming from the one place that counts the most, my heart. In my heart I know I am beautiful woman begging to be let out into the world.

Days like today make me just want to say "Fuck everything! I don't care about the social reprocussions, the potential loss of relationships or anything. I just want to be me! I have to be me." The reality in this is that I know the path my heart wants to take. It is probably just a matter of time before the rest of me wants nothing else than to go on this path as well.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Small Update and a Poem

I apologize for the lack of updates. It's just that nothing really has happened or been happening that is worth writing about. I have still yet to find a suitable job so that I may continue on my journey. I just can't really do anything on the money that I do make, and that includes things I love doing like going to concerts. Unfortunately the job market where I live just plain sucks. So yeah...

I have began to make captions again. I felt inspired to write again. Plus I wanted to at least get some together for the two year anniversary of my caption blog at the end of the month. Not only does it mark two years since the blog began, but also two years since I really opened myself up to the online TG community. This month really marks two years since I started on this journey of self discovery. Two years seems like a long time, but I know I am far from the end of the road. I have learned a lot and I will continue to learn even more.

I would like to share this poem I wrote. It is about the music I love and it gives a glimpse as to why I dedicate so much of my life to it.

Ode to Metal

Dear Heavy Metal,

You are my savior and redeemer
My release and my healer
You give me strength when I am weak
Save me when I am bleak
My darkest demons you reveal
My deepest secrets you conceal
For everything I am, you said I was not alone
In you I found a home
You showed me a better way than suicide
From your very words I cried
You taught me morals and individuality
In you, I found me
You gave me a life when I had none
For this I will follow you until my days are done