Saturday, December 3, 2011

December 2011 Update

Life is... Hmm... I really can't pick one adjective to describe life right now although chaotic might be the closest.

Since my last post, some things with my mother appear to be improving while others seem to be getting worse. It has been a very hard time. To see a loved one go through the pain and suffering is very agonizing, and to know you really can't do anything, it just tears at your soul, your very being. I am very fortunate to have the good friends that I do, they have been such wonderful human beings through all of this. They call and text all the time to just check up and see how things are going. We hang out a lot more, to take my mind off of this, if for only a brief time.

A friend of mine lost his father to lung cancer last month. That really hit me deep even though I did not know his father. I really don't know what to make of things regarding this situation, I'm just going day by day.

Despite this, other issues in my life have not slowed down at all. The gender issue is still growing within me. Ever since I figured out that I think this is what's been going on with me my whole life and accepted this, this issue has really taken over my whole being. I can't go a day, even an hour, without some thought, some feeling about how I don't feel right as a male and would feel better as a female.

Maybe it is because the stressful time already going on around me, but the last month or so has really been tough for me with the gender issue. It feels like it has been amplified within. The feelings are stronger and the thoughts more clear. Emotionally I feel like a wreck. I get a lot of people asking me "Are you alright? What's wrong?" I usually just tell them "Nothing. I'm just tired." Truth be told, I am tired. I have not got much sleep the past month. Starbucks has become a really good friend of mine lol.

But it is not as grim as I'm making it out to be, at least I don't think so. I'm trying to come up with plans, courses of action, roads to take. Right now I kinda feel like the only way to solve some issues and be happy in life is to transition. I don't know how I would do it, or even how I would pay for it, but that's why I'm trying to figure things out. This is the most serious I've ever been about this. In my heart and soul I am a woman, hopefully someday I won't have to cage myself inside this exterior male prison.