Monday, January 24, 2011

Read a Book

I read a book over the weekend. I heard about this book from a person whom I follow their vlogs on youtube. SamanthaZero34 if you are curious. The book is Understanding Transgender Diversity: A Sensible Explanation of Sexual and Gender Identities by Claire Ruth Winter. This was the first book I've read that deals with the subject of transgenderism. I typically don't read many books, those that know me know I would more prefer to sit and listen to music.

Anyway. I just felt compelled to read this book, like I should read it. So a quick trip to and it was on it's way to my mailbox. It is a shorter book, being only around 190 pages long. Well worth the read though.

I really can't say that I learned anything new by reading this book, (I learn quite a bit from browsing around the internet and talking to others) but I am still glad I took the time to read it. If anything it was a great reassurance of all the feelings and ideas I have within me. Although the book is geared toward helping others understand the idea of what it means to be transgender and the struggles, both inner and outer, that we as transgender people face, it is still note worthy for anybody to read. And since I'm terrible at book reviews, this is what the editorial review states:

"Understanding Transgender Diversity presents a fresh and remarkably clear look at the highly individual nature of human sexuality: why a vast spectrum of self-identities-including those we call "transgender"-will always exist. Part I offers a new model of human sexuality that's both logical and intuitive, enhanced by many creative diagrams and the author's personal experience. Part II provides a well-organized overview of the myriad forms of transgender expression, while Part III sheds thought-provoking light on the many kinds of relationships we can have with transgender people and how best to cope with and benefit from these. Though relatively short, this book is rich in content, written in an engaging and often witty style that draws you in from the beginning and keeps you reading with fascination to the end."

The one big thing that I really loved about this book was the idea that we are all humans and all individuals that was presented in the text. Each of us has this core identity, sometimes this is buried deep within us under layers and layers of social conditioning. It is because of society and the history of humans and our nature to segregate and label everything we are that sometimes to be our true selves puts us on the outside of what is considered "normal" or deviant from the social average. To show the world our true self is often the riskiest thing we can do in life. The idea being that we as humans must unlearn what we've been taught and learn to live with open minds. We are all humans after all and each of us with our own identity that makes each of us unique and different from one another, but that at it's core is what it means to be human.

This is something I strongly believe in. I would not be on this journey otherwise. I learned long ago, mostly through the music I listen to and personal experience, that society suppresses and ostracizes that which does not fit within its mold of what it believes a human should be. That's okay with me though. The other thing I learned is that I like being here on the outside. I know that I am striving to be an individual in this world, to know my true self. If that puts me on the outside for who I am, so be it. At least out here I can be with others who took a stand and said "I am who I am and I'm not going to be anybody else because I can't." Out here we can see the faults and try to educate others and make this world a better place.

I know that I would not trade the life I have for any other in this world. The life I am living, the path I am on, makes me who I am, makes me an individual, makes me human. Sure everything is not the best all the time and I've a long way to go, but I know I am getting in touch with my core identity. This journey is my own and no one else has the same experiences as I do. I am an individual and will continue to be one until the day I die.

"This above all: to thine own self be true." - William Shakespeare

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Happy New Year: Take Two

I feel like writing since my mood is far lifted from what it has been the past week. My mood was just about at an all time low. Most of the past week I spent sleeping, feeling like shit, and just crying. I don't know what triggered it though, I just woke up like that one day last week. I know I couldn't shake it though, it was just there, always there, dragging me down. It effected every part of my life too because several times I got asked by those close to me if I was alright. I just really don't know what caused it though, or why it lasted as long as it did. I do know though, what was on my mind the entire time.

Womanhood. Becoming a woman and transitioning. That is what was on my mind the entire time. Everytime I would think about it I would be left in tears. Every thought clawed at my heart. I was in so much pain. It felt almost like my spirit broke down and I was left in ruins. As I looked at all the shattered pieces of my life, trying to put them back together, I realized something. In my heart I know the answer. In my heart I know exactly what I want. I didn't deny it or try to hide it or try to make an excuse and cover it up.

With tear filled eyes and the stains of dried tears on my cheeks I opened my mouth and said aloud to myself exactly what my heart was saying to me. I want more than anything to have my body changed to match my insides. Tears began to flow again as I spoke my heart, "I want to be a woman and I want to try to do whatever I must to make it happen." At long last happiness broke through. It was like a 200 ton weight was lifted from my shoulders. I felt calm and relaxed.

That was a couple of days ago. I do not take back what I said though. I do want to be a woman and I do want to try and do whatever it takes to get there. That does not mean, however, that I have decided to transition. It means I want to and I am not denying that fact. It means that not much really will change at this point, other than I feel a great comfort knowing this fact about myself and accepting it. Before I was never quite sure, never quite 100% there if I wanted it or not. That doubt is gone, my heart has spoken.

Again, my spirits are so lifted right now, I'm so happy. I even decided to do some cleaning over the weekend because I was feeling better. One of the things I faced was part of one of my New Year's Resolutions. I cleaned out my liquor cabinet. (Yes I do have an actual cabinet :P ) I cleaned it all out. All that is left are a few glasses and shot glasses and an empty bottle of brandy. (I thought the bottle looked interesting and would make a good shelf decoration someday. So I kept it.) I am really serious about this drinking less. I don't want to say I am quitting, I still like being able to indulge every once in a while with some friends. I just really want to cut back. There are very deep personal reasons behind this. Something happened back in November, on my birthday of all days, that really opened my eyes. It was nothing I did, but a family member. I was really upset at what happened. Yes this thing involved alcohol. I just remember in December I was drinking a little more than I usually do. I woke up one morning with a hangover and realized if I stay on this path someday I may end up like that family member. I don't want that. I never want that.

There is a song I listen to everyday that reminds me of that family member and why I never want to be like that. I've been listening to it everyday since my birthday. Yes it brings some anger with it, but for me it is a positive reminder of everything. I may share it if anybody really wants to know.

So my year got off to a bit of a rough start. Right now I have a fresh positive vibe within me. I have a goal and determination. I have inspiration. I know what lies in heart.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Bye Bye 2010

Well Christmas has past and the year 2010 is in the history books. Aside from the leaps and bounds I've made discovering myself, it has been a rather uneventful year for me. I've made some new friends, good ones too, and lost a job. I saw more live music this past year than I have ever seen before. I suppose all in all it was a good year.

Despite that, December has been utter torment upon my very being. Work has taken it's toll on me and I am worn out past being worn out. All I've done is work and sleep. When I'm awake I can't keep my mind focused on anything long enough to do something. I feel almost like a mindless drone who has been running on Monster Energy the whole month. I've had a few days break now and I'm starting to feel more like myself again.

The new year has arrived. I don't usually see this as a really big event, sorta like the going away party for Christmas every year. All the decorations are put away, stores have one last big sale event, all the festivities come to a close, and the calendar tells us we have ended an age and are beginning a new one. Being in the middle of winter, I don't usually see this as a new beginning to anything, other than I have to change calendars. Spring time feels more like rebirth and new beginnings to me, but ohh well.

In spite of that, I have made a few resolutions for the new year. First and foremost, I have decided that I want to drink less alcohol this year. There are a lot of personal reasons behind this, ones that involve family and me not wanting to be like certain people. I'm doing good on this one so far, this was the first New Years in a long while that I did not drink at all. It was very nice to wake up without a headache and go searching for the toilet first thing after I stood up. Second is the ever popular lose weight. Last year I didn't do good on that one, I ended the year the same as when I started, no gain, but no loss either. Third is an easy one, be true to myself. That's pretty much it. They are simple and ones that most likely won't get broken or set aside for next year.

For the time being I am going to take a break from writing captions. I just feel like I've lost my groove and have been out of it. I have, however, been reading captions alot lately. They have bringing back many feelings that I have not felt in some time. Including that burning desire to be female. It feels good to have this feeling, it gives me a sort of peace inside. I feel happy when I can imagine myself as a woman, picture myself in everyday life as a woman. I even had a dream about it last night. It wasn't anything spectacular, just me as a woman walking around at a concert. I do remember the most visual part of this dream was me putting on makeup before leaving the house. That was interesting, I never had that in a dream before, at least that I can remember.

Well that's my little update. Happy New Year to all! :)