Happy New Year: Take Two

I feel like writing since my mood is far lifted from what it has been the past week. My mood was just about at an all time low. Most of the past week I spent sleeping, feeling like shit, and just crying. I don't know what triggered it though, I just woke up like that one day last week. I know I couldn't shake it though, it was just there, always there, dragging me down. It effected every part of my life too because several times I got asked by those close to me if I was alright. I just really don't know what caused it though, or why it lasted as long as it did. I do know though, what was on my mind the entire time.

Womanhood. Becoming a woman and transitioning. That is what was on my mind the entire time. Everytime I would think about it I would be left in tears. Every thought clawed at my heart. I was in so much pain. It felt almost like my spirit broke down and I was left in ruins. As I looked at all the shattered pieces of my life, trying to put them back together, I realized something. In my heart I know the answer. In my heart I know exactly what I want. I didn't deny it or try to hide it or try to make an excuse and cover it up.

With tear filled eyes and the stains of dried tears on my cheeks I opened my mouth and said aloud to myself exactly what my heart was saying to me. I want more than anything to have my body changed to match my insides. Tears began to flow again as I spoke my heart, "I want to be a woman and I want to try to do whatever I must to make it happen." At long last happiness broke through. It was like a 200 ton weight was lifted from my shoulders. I felt calm and relaxed.

That was a couple of days ago. I do not take back what I said though. I do want to be a woman and I do want to try and do whatever it takes to get there. That does not mean, however, that I have decided to transition. It means I want to and I am not denying that fact. It means that not much really will change at this point, other than I feel a great comfort knowing this fact about myself and accepting it. Before I was never quite sure, never quite 100% there if I wanted it or not. That doubt is gone, my heart has spoken.

Again, my spirits are so lifted right now, I'm so happy. I even decided to do some cleaning over the weekend because I was feeling better. One of the things I faced was part of one of my New Year's Resolutions. I cleaned out my liquor cabinet. (Yes I do have an actual cabinet :P ) I cleaned it all out. All that is left are a few glasses and shot glasses and an empty bottle of brandy. (I thought the bottle looked interesting and would make a good shelf decoration someday. So I kept it.) I am really serious about this drinking less. I don't want to say I am quitting, I still like being able to indulge every once in a while with some friends. I just really want to cut back. There are very deep personal reasons behind this. Something happened back in November, on my birthday of all days, that really opened my eyes. It was nothing I did, but a family member. I was really upset at what happened. Yes this thing involved alcohol. I just remember in December I was drinking a little more than I usually do. I woke up one morning with a hangover and realized if I stay on this path someday I may end up like that family member. I don't want that. I never want that.

There is a song I listen to everyday that reminds me of that family member and why I never want to be like that. I've been listening to it everyday since my birthday. Yes it brings some anger with it, but for me it is a positive reminder of everything. I may share it if anybody really wants to know.

So my year got off to a bit of a rough start. Right now I have a fresh positive vibe within me. I have a goal and determination. I have inspiration. I know what lies in heart.