Wednesday, March 23, 2011

From the Heart

Have you ever just laid on your bed and just stared up at the ceiling? Whenever I do I begin to think, very heavy thoughts too. I had this happen today, but there is a little bit of a story involved.

I found myself with time alone today. When this happens usually one or two or both always happen. Playing music loudly and/or dressing. I chose the later today. I just need it, needed that "me" time. It made me very happy, as it usually does, and I enjoyed every minute of it. After a while I noticed the time and decided it was time to go back to the boring world of male clothes as my alone time would not be alone for much longer.

So as I sat down on the edge of the bed to change, I just leaned back and found myself lying down staring up at the ceiling. My mind began to wander as all of the feelings my body was experiencing by the clothes on my body culminated into one thought. One clear vision. "I want to stay like this for the rest of my life." I looked down at myself, the clothes I had on, then back up at the ceiling. I was thinking again.

This is what truly makes me happy, to be a woman. I want to dress in these clothes and have my body match that form. There was no sexual drive or sexual thoughts influencing this. No. The only thing I could equate this to is a need to express myself as the form and in the form that brings me the most joy from life. That form I believe is my true identity, my core identity, my true self. I felt this in my heart.

As I continued to stare up, I started to think, "Well, what is next then?" I have to do something, I cannot be idle about this. I really, really want to transition. I have to figure out how to make it work. This is not coming from my mind, my sexual desires, or any of that. This is coming from the one place that counts the most, my heart. In my heart I know I am beautiful woman begging to be let out into the world.

Days like today make me just want to say "Fuck everything! I don't care about the social reprocussions, the potential loss of relationships or anything. I just want to be me! I have to be me." The reality in this is that I know the path my heart wants to take. It is probably just a matter of time before the rest of me wants nothing else than to go on this path as well.


7 comments:

  1. That sounds like an amazing realization. Go for it! :)

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  2. Isobelle,

    maybe it is time to take a first step. it is always the first foot on the path that will begin the journey. There are resources in every community that will get you professional support.

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  3. Thank you Life In Neon. :)

    Thank you Kathryn. I think you are correct. This was like my standing up getting ready to take that first step. It will happen soon, I have hope.

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  4. It seems like it was already the first step :)

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  5. Best wishes and good luck with whatever you decide to do. x

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