Thursday, October 7, 2010

I Quit...

Life is extremely difficult and the decisions we make define us, they are what tells the rest of the world who we are and who we are going to be. I have made a difficult decision after nearly two weeks of stress and utter hell that effected me to very core of who I am. It all began early last week. Combined with a trip to the dentist, (which is never fun, those drills are just a hellish nightmare) and my work bringing up the issue once again about the length of my hair set the mood for one bad day. That is where the mood came from for that last blog post.

Thank you to everybody who cared enough to leave a comment or send me an email or was there for me talk to. I know I am not ugly or any of the other stuff I said, but I felt so down. The pain of the day was just overwhelming and for me it always helps to get the bad feelings out. Usually I just vent through music but sometimes I feel the need to vent more. That is when I pick up a pen, or a keyboard, and try to put my feelings to words. But again, I do sincerely appreciate all the love I was shown, I was left with tears in my eyes because of it. Thank you all again. :)

But things did not get any better from there. Everyday last week I was confronted at work about my hair, once even by one of the owners. I remained defiant in caving to their demands. As the week went on I began to get this sickening fear that I was going to lose my job. Friday came and my boss gave me the weekend off to think about everything. He told me he hoped I do the right thing.

The weekend was long and stressful. I thought about everything and the reasons why. Monday came and back to work I went. Halfway through the day I was confronted again. I left for lunch in tears, but did not give them the satisfaction of seeing my pain. I came back from lunch, after composing myself, and told my boss that I will not cut my hair and that if they have to, fire me. I held my breath in fear. But I did not get fired. My boss said he could not do it. He confessed to me that it is wrong that I should have to cut my hair. He said he did not want his name associated with this. I left work early, but a little comforted that I know that my boss knew it was wrong.

Tuesday was rather uneventful. No talks at all about my hair. Wednesday I took the day off. I had a job interview with the job I left last December for this one. They hired me back on the spot, although it will mean less pay. So the event for today was set up.

I quit my job this morning. I quit because I just cannot work for somebody who does not respect me as a human being. I quit because they wanted me to be some one who I am not. I quit because my hair means so much more to me than just growing it out for the music I love. I quit my job this morning because I am transgendered and my hair helps define who I am. I quit because I cannot be anybody other than myself.

So as I sit here, typing this, reflecting on what has transpired, I think. I have no regret for what I've done. I am glad I had the courage to take a stand for something I believe in, which is freedom of human expression. We are all humans and each of us has a different view of how we should live our lives as individuals and as long as we are not hurting anyone else, we should be free to do so. How we look or present ourselves should not matter, although those are things that define us, the focus should be on how we act and how much goodness is in our hearts and souls.

And as I think even more I can't help but think, can't help but wonder. Is this the start of the path I am choosing? Have I already chose my path and is this one of many things to come along that path? I still don't know where my life will go, my mind likes to over analyze things. But I know I do things that I don't know why I do them, or I do them against all reason, like quitting a job because I refuse to get a hair cut to their liking. I like to believe that in times like that, it is not my mind guiding me, but rather my heart and soul.

13 comments:

  1. I think what you did was courageous and even though it is combined with a reduction in income which is never welcome it was the right thing to do. How will we ever change gender stereotypes if we are not willing to get people used to who we really are.

    I am more and more approaching the threshold you just crossed. I am proud you did and love you for it

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  2. Thank you. In my heart I do feel I did the right thing.

    The one thing I will never understand in this world is how people can be so close minded. So I guess I will face things like this again in future, but maybe I'll be more prepared for it and not get so upset over it next time.

    Standing up for something I believe in and losing a job in the process is one of the hardest things I've faced in my life so far. I wish you the very best when you face the same threshold.

    Although I don't know why anybody would put up a fuss about your hair, it looks very nice and is no where near the length of mine. lol But still I do wish you the very best in your journey Kathryn. :)

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  3. well said hun, you know i have your back and and here for you, you know everything i'v been though and we girls need to be there for each other,i know we'll talk,hang in there girl :)

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  4. Thank you Sedra. You know I do look up to you and consider you a great inspiration upon my life. Thank you for being the friend you have been. :)

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  5. I appreciate it's hard but you took a principled stand for your right to be yourself and is just so right.
    Hugs sisygurl belinda

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  6. I had a little conflict with leaving you something on your last post. I felt a little like I was going over my bounds to reach out and talk to you about it, I felt like I was going a little over my bounds to make someone feel better, I feel bad for doing so, for not being a good friend and confronting you for my own interest to why you wrote that about yourself in that manner, and for my inner personal experience with people talking about themselves in that manner. I had do to deal with situations like these before and I felt like I wasn't really helping with the individual... I apologize for not being there...

    About the hair, I have always conformed to what my job made me do, I hate it all and hate the whole clean cut bull crap some jobs don't need for some to do. I don't believe in a guys hair length to be so much a conflict, I feel like it is a conservative view on the kind of "look" a person should have in a professional setting. I have only conformed because at the times that I have held jobs they weren't really looking for a guy like me in my age and lack of experience to hire elsewhere. I hated conforming and avoided jobs who had you work in uniform or suit n' tie. I can understand that the reason you didn't want to is because you didn't want to conform. Kudos, you did the right thing. Just at a cost. ;)

    <3!

    ps. Hope you're in better spirits!

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  7. Don't worry about that last post and not leaving a comment or trying to help. I understand. I have a hard time responding to others when they are like that also. You are still a wonderful friend to have and I think no less of you at all. :)

    Thanks for the kudos. I've never conformed, I could never wear a suit and tie, I'm just too strong of an individual to do those things. I accept though, that being me, means I'll have a harder time being in the majority of society. But I'd rather live on the outside and know I am true to myself, even if that means giving up certain opportunities in life, than conform and get those opportunities and not be me. I judge the success of my life not by monetary means, but by how much I was true to who I am and true to my own standards, beliefs, ethics, and ideals. I know that puts me on the outside of the norm, but I accept and embrace that. I love being different and I love being me. :)

    And I am in better spirits now. I no longer have somebody telling me to be somebody I'm not. :)

    Thank you for caring Tina, you really are a good friend. <3! :)

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  8. Hello Isobelle, This is the first time I "landed" on your blog and your latest article really touched me.

    I just wanted to say that you should not doubt your decisions especially when they come intuitively (as you say from the heart and soul), because decisions made like that are far more trustworthy than those made by the mind.

    The mind is a tricky thing you know. In fact your mind IS your Ego. And your Ego is one thing you should get rid of better sooner than later. Trust me on this. It may be very difficult at times because a lot of people are not "thinking" that way (yet), but in the end you will be better off.

    I for one think you made the right decision.

    So there!

    With kind regards,

    ilas

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  9. Well thank you for reading ilas. I appreciate you taking the time to do so. :)

    And I do understand what you're getting at. I know that when I can let go of the so called reasoning that is my mind, the ego as you call it, and follow my heart, the intuition, I will figure out myself. It's just very hard sometimes to close your eyes and leap blindly into the future, but sometimes that is the best way to go about this thing called life. I know that I just have to let go of all that is holding me back, and believe me, I know that day is coming because I am working to make that day come. :)

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  10. "I cannot be anybody other than myself."

    If ever there were seven words more suited to be a motto for the tg community, I'd like to hear them. It should be a motto for all of humanity; sadly most people really haven't a clue and hate those who have the guts to dig down then express the person they find inside.

    Hugs,

    Halle

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  11. Halle, I completely agree with everything you said. :)

    It is sad though that there are a lot of people out there who frown upon people being individuals and being themselves. But then again there are those who look up to those who have the courage to be themselves. I know all of my role models have been and continue to be true to who they are, that is why I respect them so much and look up to them. :)

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