Life's progress seems to have stalled. Recently I have just been lacking enthusiasm to do really anything. I think part of it is because as I'm trying to get things in order with my life and working my way out to hit the job trail to get a real job, I'm realizing things. Things I've tried to avoid or have avoided for most of my life.
The world out there sees me as a man and expects me to act and dress like one. I've always had trouble in acting like a man in how typical society and typical gender roles says a man should be. I've always felt sub-par in the man role. I have always felt the need that I have to constantly prove my manhood to others, especially other men. Around a group of guys, especially ones who proudly call themselves men, I feel out of place, like I don't fit in. I've tried acting like them to feel like I would fit in better, but it always has a fake feel to it to me.
As far as dressing like man, well that depends. If you are going by the suit and tie world, I hate that. the last time I wore a suit I was but a little kid. Never in my adult life have I worn a suit. I hate suits. I hate mens dress wear too. I've only wore a tie on a handful of occasions. I don't like them, I don't like how I look in them, I feel they don't belong on me. When I did have to dress formally for something, usually like a wedding, special event, or funeral, I felt like the clothes I was wearing were out of place on me. I would see my self in the mirror and hate how I looked.
Those two things are weighing heavily on my mind as I consider possible areas in which to seek out jobs. But I know I have to get a better job in order to move my life forward. It's strange though how I can put on something that would be considered like office formal for a woman and I look at myself and I like the way I look, I feel as if I belong in those clothes.
Since my last post here I have started a personal diary/journal type thing for myself. I've been adding to it daily and what I add I just let out whatever I feel I have to say. I've gone back a few times and read what I wrote the day before and am surprised at how deep I got, how personal, how revealing, I got. I'm going to share a few things I've wrote, edited of course to not reveal too much about myself.
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I had a dream last night/this morning. It started out that I was at work working with my brother and _. We were moving stuff around and just having a good time. We all went to the stock room area and there were a bunch of people there. One of which was one of my old teachers from high school. I avoided him. He likes to talk a lot and can get kind of annoying. Then my brother finds me and asks if I seen him. I said yes. Then all of a sudden we were at like this party thing. I found myself wearing this black knee length dress, knee high heeled boots, panty hose and a bra. I took a seat in the room near my brother. He asked again if I saw our old teacher. I said yes and said I prolly should go say hi. So I got up walked over and said hi, my choice of clothes never affecting me, but I liked them. I said hi, he asked how I was doing, blah blah blah, normal conversation. Then he asked why I was dressed like I was. I looked down at myself then back up at him and said “Ya know, just wanted to do something crazy.” Then I was sitting on the floor in this room with my brother and his girl, still in the dress. I told them I should put my guy clothes back on because people were getting wierded out and I had my fun. The bathroom down the hall was occupied by some girl taking a bath singing some Russian song or something. So I went up stairs, turned out to be my house. My clothes changed again. This time I wore this red feltish like material dress of the same length, but around the bust area it was sheer. You could see the white bra I had on underneath. I was tiptoeing around upstairs to avoid my dad now. I grabbed this white faux fur coat and went back down stairs. As I walked down the stairs I put the coat on and was thinking something to the effect of “People just don’t understand” Then the dream ended.
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I went paint balling for the first time ever a few weeks ago and wrote this about it: Paintballing was interesting. I was starting to really have fun with it too, then my gun hit its own self destruct button and blew itself apart. I was surprised because I did not get like a rush of testosterone like I thought was going to happen. I was just out there having fun, my maleness never playing a factor. Although I will admit that those in the military are far braver than me, I can’t imagine the fear one must have during a real fire fight where people do actually die. It must be super intense.
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I did go to this store that was having a big clearance sale with mom after dinner because I needed some new guy clothes. Walking around looking at all the guy clothes is so boring. I hate guy clothes, I never find anything that I can really say I love. I did notice that as I was walking up and down the long isles, I was swaying my hips as if I was walking more feminine. I did this subconsciously. I didn’t realize it at first, I just knew I was walking different because I was tired. But then I noticed I was definitely swaying my hips. At this point I didn’t care, I was too tired to care, so I kept at it. It felt good though, to walk like that.
We walked around the store to see what else they had. They are moving, so everything is on clearance. I was curious to see if there was anything worth coming back for on my own. Possibly some new shoes? But nope, the shoe selection was horrible and at quick glance, nothing in my size. They still had tons of women’s clothes though. Lots of dresses. Things I’m too scared to buy. I would love to go shopping though and pick out an outfit or two or four. My heart was pulling at me as we walked past the rows and rows of women’s clothes. They were so much more diverse than the guys section. I saw at a glance many things I would love. I could have spent hours bargain hunting for delicious outfits. It’s so fucking hard to deny myself the simple indulgence of shopping for clothes I would love. Fear. It is fear that denies me, that which holds me back.
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I'll share more in future posts. There is much more, and far deeper things as well, things I may not ever share here because of how personal they are. But I do know one thing though, the pieces of Isobelle seem to be falling in place as to what role she plays in my future.
P.S. For those interested, I do have a facebook page now. I blame Tina for it. I made it spontaneously, without thought. I'm not sure what I really hope to accomplish from this, but it is yet another step into exploring and finding out who I am. If you're going to add me, send me a message please.
You know I can totally relate to your experience at the store thats closing down. I also do always find myself pulling myself desperately to see what else the women's section has, but like you and a lot of us, we are scared. I find myself being the casual not caring guy with his girlfriend or chick friend or mom even playing the part of looking at all the "weird" stuff women clothes have, like criticizing all of the unusual horrid clothes, or the retarded Brittany spears line, or the laughable old lady clothes. I find myself then looking at the stuff i like, the cool stuff that if you live in the US you know of a store called Target, and their line of Converse for women and men, they have some interesting flattering styles for men but not as flattering as the women department have. Yes they can be kinda retro looking or even extremely casual as I call it, but stuff you would wear if you were going to pick up a little something at the grocery store or out with a close friend. I would so wear some of their stuff, I have come to like the unique style of clothing, but even so, I can't ever work up the courage to ever try it on and buy it. I would just rely on the internet for now...
ReplyDeleteOh and about that dream I was wondering. where you wearing a dress and stuff as a male or female? Cause that kinda means something in a lot of those dream meaning books I've read. I've always been so intrigued with the dream meanings, what does each and every promiscuous little thing mean? For me I would be crossed dressed in a dream and others a woman in various outfits. The male you in a cross-dressed state means that you don't feel that you're in the right body, like trapped in a mans body yatta-yatta, and the ones where you actually see yourself as a female implied that you're gay----simply. I've read quite a few books on the subject of dreams and come to find that some identify the same dreams to the same meanings, but some are a bit inaccurate on the similar meaning when comparing books. some don't really focus on the whole gender displacement. The fur coat probably implies that you were trying to remain hidden following the fear of having your father notice you and your brother telling you that you might weird people out, so the big white faux fur coat means that, although you're hidden from your appearance, that you are fully expressive and don't want others to know you're weak.
ReplyDeleteOh and the suit thing, lol, its funny cause I'm actually found of ties, but not suits, I go for the formal mourning goth look with the long sleeve button up shirts and the black tie. I have come to hate guy clothes but make the best out of it. I don't really like to beat myself up on the lack of diversity in men's clothes, but I do refute it and have an utter disgust of looking over the whole department and seeing khaki pants and short sleeved blue colorful button up shirts and dull blue jeans. And shoes, don't even get me started on shoes! I too have only worn suits to special occasions as the ones you've listed above, I to have seen that I've always looked weird and out of place.
ReplyDeleteOh by the way, I've had a recent experience on wanting to get a woman's outfit, I was one of those lame bargain stores, well, since Halloween had just passed, they still had a 50% off isle if you can even call it that, and they had a stashed bunched up "red countess dress" and located the cardboard picture of what once held the costume on a hanger and pulled it out and looked a it, it was really pretty and elegant looking and really wanted it, but I couldn't find the size tag and was doubtful that I would be buying something that would not even fit me. I still think about it.. I have even thought of going back and seeing if they still had it and buy it right away.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing! I usually kinda hold myself back from reading your blog at times since I've come to find lately, that it's been nearly negative things... I don't like to read how miserable and depressed you are... :(
ReplyDeletemiss you!!
<3!
ps. blame me for getting facebook! blame Freya!! lol, glad you joined. Yeah me too, I also don't know what will come of it, but what ev.'
izzy i'm so proud of you hun, you have really opened up and let the real you out, one day you will be shopping in the section you should be like i did. hehe told you you would like paintball ;) well you know i'm always here when you need to talk, luv ya hun :) oh and tina i read your blog too, love your work keep it up :)
ReplyDeleteWow Tina. That was quite a thoughtful response. Thank you for that.
ReplyDeleteI'm not always miserable and depressed, I just seem to write about those things more often, lol. They are such strong emotions though, I seem to let more out when I'm in those moods.
Interesting view on the dream I had. To answer your question, in the dream I was a guy dressed in those clothes.
Thank you as always Sedra. You are such an inspiration and I'll always look up to you. :)
It's interesting to find out how someone thinks about these type of things.
ReplyDeleteIndeed it is interesting. It's mostly all new to me. I've hid this stuff deep inside of me for most of my life. I'm just opening up and seeing what's in me, who is really there. It's been an interesting journey so far and guaranteed to only get more interesting from here.
ReplyDelete