Another Year of Learning

Well, another birthday is just around the corner for me. For the first time in my life my age and getting older has become a concern for me. I am only in my mid twenties, but physically I know my body is getting older. Despite how my mind feels, I am no longer a teenager. For some reason life doesn’t seem so endless anymore. I am no longer at the beginning.

I’ve been in deep thought over this. There are choices that I have to make concerning my life. Things that are on my mind from the time I wake up until the moment I fall asleep and then even in my dreams. I speak of course of transgenderism, transsexualism, and my desire to be female.

I know I am transgendered. I’ve never said it here, but it is something I realized and accepted about myself. I am a transsexual. I do strongly feel that deep down under this male flesh is a wonderful woman. I know this because I can feel it in my heart. When I let go of all the pressures of the world, when I just open up and not worry about anything and just be myself, that self is female in nature. The way I act, the way I think, the way I talk is all female. All the male programming I’ve had throughout my entire life fades away.

Most of my life I thought those things were bad or wrong, that if I showed any of the outside world those feelings that... Well I never knew exactly what the world would think of me. I always felt though that I could not open up to my parents because the raised me to be a man, their son. How could I tell them something that, in their eyes, would destroy that sense of pride in having a son? I am their first born son and I know my father takes pride in that. I’ve gone through all the typical father/son things. He did try teaching me things about being a man. I didn’t always like them, but I thought that being a man was what I was supposed to be. It’s strange though how in the same day my dad would be teaching me about the inner workings of a car’s engine and how to fix it, then later that night after everybody was asleep I would dress up.

But I knew I could never tell my parents when I was growing up. I have seen just how close minded my father is. He believes a man is a man and should act like one. He is pretty vocal about this and I know when I started growing my hair out, he was greatly opposed to it. I always felt if I open up to him, he would disown me. My mother is questionable. I cannot be sure how she would take it. I would like to think that she is loving enough and compassionate enough to understand, but at the same time I know she does have closed minded tendencies. I was too scared growing up to say anything. I wanted to be normal, I wanted to try my best to please my parents, and that meant being a son, being a man.

So I kept my feelings and actions hidden. I even tried hiding them from myself because I knew what I was thinking and doing was not part of what I thought I was supposed to be. I knew there was something different about me though.

Skipping back to the present, here I am today. I have learned many things, I am adopting my own set of standards and beliefs. I have my own set of values of what is right and wrong, of what makes a person a good human being, of what is acceptable, of what is not. I have developed my own ideas about this thing called life. Many of those things differ, sometimes greatly, from the things that my parents raised me on.

So what does all that mean? It means I am going through life with an open mindset. It means I am indeed finding out just who I am. I am not closing any doors to any path for my future. Included in that set of paths is transitioning. Will I? I’m not 100% sure just yet. Can I? Yes, yes I can. I feel I would be a much happier person if I did, I feel that my true self lies in womanhood, I feel it would be obtaining a sense of freedom in myself, to be myself. But the big question is, will I? I don’t have the means right now to make that choice for sure, but as soon as I do, I will figure that answer out. I want to know, I have to know.

In the meantime I am just trying to make the best of what each day gives me. I find happiness where I can, mostly in music and friends. For now they suffice in keeping me going but I know there is a void in my being, I feel it. At least I can say I think I’m on the right path to filling that void with what has always been missing.