A Response

I would like to respond to a comment left by Kathryn. Kathryn commented on my last post by saying:

Dear Isobelle: Reading your post, I realized that I needed to let it settle for a few days, re-read it, and now I am ready to write to you.

There are three themes if you will that emerge from your words. Your thoughts and feelings about yourself, how those thoughts and feelings will ultimate relate to world you live in and finally what is the consequence?

Your thoughts about your parents are so driven by fear, of loss, of lack of understanding and of sadness. It is so clear from your words that you love your parents. In your words I taste the bitterness of having failed but you have not tried. In understanding the reactions of those around us knowing the difficulties they will face we learn to speak to and approach them with the right words and I am sure you will too. But this is not the first hurdle you face, and it should not be attempted before the first one is conquered.

I freshly remember the feelings that you describe, the growing knowledge, the moments when I could name what drove me, the realization that I was a woman born with the wrong body. I sought counsel from professionals that knew this field and they helped not in defining what I was, but in preparing the decision that invariably we all must make. Will we act on our knowledge? This step for me was not validation of my feelings and thoughts, but rather the foundation to make the decision.

This choice is never about means. Throughout my life I have found that if you know what you need to do the means can and will be found. It must be made first, how to implement it comes second.

And you have friends that accompany your travels with love

Kathryn

First of all, thank you for the comment Kathryn. I read your blog every time you put up a new post. I find it inspirational and very interesting. There are some things though that I would like to address about your comment.

You said that "In your words I taste the bitterness of having failed but you have not tried." In response I would say that I do not write about everything that happens in my life here. I only choose to post what I feel is most relevant at the time and also I do not want to give too much away about myself in order to maintain some anonymity. However I will say that many times I feel I have tried and failed in life and many times more feel I have tried and failed in my parents expectations of me.

As far as failing in my parents expectations of me, I will give a few examples. At an early age I was encouraged to play sports. When I was 6 years old I was signed up to play tee ball. I didn't really care for it all that much. When on the field I was put in the outfield. Now at that age an outfielder doesn't see much action, the ball rarely visited me out there. But when I was out there, I was much more content to watching the butterflies or picking the dandelions out there than actually paying attention to game. After 2 years of tee ball I told my parents I didn't want to play anymore. They seemed fine with my decision and did not force me to play anymore. When I was 9 years old I tried playing basketball. Again I was encouraged by my parents that this would be a good thing to do. I only played one season and decided once again that sports were just not for me. Again my parents seemed fine with this but I feel that I failed them. They wanted me to play sports. I don't think they wanted it for the athletic part, but more for me to develop myself as a boy, to gain friends, to gain confidence in myself, the basis of what sports for young men is supposed to do. I never gained any friends, or confidence, or really developed my maleness any further by playing sports. That is why I feel I failed them.

When I was 10 my curiosity of music developed. My parents noticed this and encouraged me to try playing an instrument. When I was 11 I attempted to play an instrument in the school band. My parents got me a saxophone and I went to band practice every week. Once again I feel that my parents expectations of this venture were the same for the sports. Once again I feel I failed them because I gave up after about a year. Years later I took up playing guitar. I learned at my own pace and played the music I wanted to play. I have been playing now for nearly 8 years. I think this was not expected by my parents after my first failed attempt at music. They never really seemed to encourage me in guitar playing. Perhaps it is because of the music I play.

College is one of the big things I feel I failed at. Everybody had high expectations for me when I graduated high school and enrolled in college. I was among the top students in my high school class. My friends, my family, everybody that knew me told me that I was for sure going to succeed, that I was going to go far in life. I struggled in college. It became a living hell to me. I hated it. For 6 years I did this. Finally I had enough and dropped out. I could feel the disappointment surrounding me. I knew I failed. Everybody looked at me differently after this. I was no longer a shining beacon that praises were showered upon. Nobody bothered talking to me about what went wrong, how I could have failed at something that I was supposed to be good at. It was failure, nobody wants to be associated with it. This past fall I went back and got my Associates Degree. Nobody went out of their way to say congratulations, nobody said "Alright! You did it!", nobody cared. I think the disappointment of failure is still hanging in the air. Most of all I know I failed my parents because they wanted to see me succeed and I did not.

I have tried at many things in life and many times failed. I know the feeling of putting your heart into something and falling flat on your face. I know the feeling of loss because I failed at someones expectations of me. I tried being all my parents wanted of me and for me, I failed at most of it.

Let me explain what I meant by the word "means". I am not financially able to do anything more at this point in my life. I have decided that I am not going to make my choice until that happens. Even though I say that, I'm sure that if I look deep enough into my heart I've prolly already made my choice. I'm more likely waiting on the means to fall into place so I can act. In the meantime, I keep expanding my knowledge, I keep searching for answers to questions that I have.

Thank you again for the comment. It made me think about things. :)

Another Year of Learning

Well, another birthday is just around the corner for me. For the first time in my life my age and getting older has become a concern for me. I am only in my mid twenties, but physically I know my body is getting older. Despite how my mind feels, I am no longer a teenager. For some reason life doesn’t seem so endless anymore. I am no longer at the beginning.

I’ve been in deep thought over this. There are choices that I have to make concerning my life. Things that are on my mind from the time I wake up until the moment I fall asleep and then even in my dreams. I speak of course of transgenderism, transsexualism, and my desire to be female.

I know I am transgendered. I’ve never said it here, but it is something I realized and accepted about myself. I am a transsexual. I do strongly feel that deep down under this male flesh is a wonderful woman. I know this because I can feel it in my heart. When I let go of all the pressures of the world, when I just open up and not worry about anything and just be myself, that self is female in nature. The way I act, the way I think, the way I talk is all female. All the male programming I’ve had throughout my entire life fades away.

Most of my life I thought those things were bad or wrong, that if I showed any of the outside world those feelings that... Well I never knew exactly what the world would think of me. I always felt though that I could not open up to my parents because the raised me to be a man, their son. How could I tell them something that, in their eyes, would destroy that sense of pride in having a son? I am their first born son and I know my father takes pride in that. I’ve gone through all the typical father/son things. He did try teaching me things about being a man. I didn’t always like them, but I thought that being a man was what I was supposed to be. It’s strange though how in the same day my dad would be teaching me about the inner workings of a car’s engine and how to fix it, then later that night after everybody was asleep I would dress up.

But I knew I could never tell my parents when I was growing up. I have seen just how close minded my father is. He believes a man is a man and should act like one. He is pretty vocal about this and I know when I started growing my hair out, he was greatly opposed to it. I always felt if I open up to him, he would disown me. My mother is questionable. I cannot be sure how she would take it. I would like to think that she is loving enough and compassionate enough to understand, but at the same time I know she does have closed minded tendencies. I was too scared growing up to say anything. I wanted to be normal, I wanted to try my best to please my parents, and that meant being a son, being a man.

So I kept my feelings and actions hidden. I even tried hiding them from myself because I knew what I was thinking and doing was not part of what I thought I was supposed to be. I knew there was something different about me though.

Skipping back to the present, here I am today. I have learned many things, I am adopting my own set of standards and beliefs. I have my own set of values of what is right and wrong, of what makes a person a good human being, of what is acceptable, of what is not. I have developed my own ideas about this thing called life. Many of those things differ, sometimes greatly, from the things that my parents raised me on.

So what does all that mean? It means I am going through life with an open mindset. It means I am indeed finding out just who I am. I am not closing any doors to any path for my future. Included in that set of paths is transitioning. Will I? I’m not 100% sure just yet. Can I? Yes, yes I can. I feel I would be a much happier person if I did, I feel that my true self lies in womanhood, I feel it would be obtaining a sense of freedom in myself, to be myself. But the big question is, will I? I don’t have the means right now to make that choice for sure, but as soon as I do, I will figure that answer out. I want to know, I have to know.

In the meantime I am just trying to make the best of what each day gives me. I find happiness where I can, mostly in music and friends. For now they suffice in keeping me going but I know there is a void in my being, I feel it. At least I can say I think I’m on the right path to filling that void with what has always been missing.

Deeper and Deeper I go into my Very Being, I Think I Should Have Brought a Flashlight...

Life's progress seems to have stalled. Recently I have just been lacking enthusiasm to do really anything. I think part of it is because as I'm trying to get things in order with my life and working my way out to hit the job trail to get a real job, I'm realizing things. Things I've tried to avoid or have avoided for most of my life.

The world out there sees me as a man and expects me to act and dress like one. I've always had trouble in acting like a man in how typical society and typical gender roles says a man should be. I've always felt sub-par in the man role. I have always felt the need that I have to constantly prove my manhood to others, especially other men. Around a group of guys, especially ones who proudly call themselves men, I feel out of place, like I don't fit in. I've tried acting like them to feel like I would fit in better, but it always has a fake feel to it to me.

As far as dressing like man, well that depends. If you are going by the suit and tie world, I hate that. the last time I wore a suit I was but a little kid. Never in my adult life have I worn a suit. I hate suits. I hate mens dress wear too. I've only wore a tie on a handful of occasions. I don't like them, I don't like how I look in them, I feel they don't belong on me. When I did have to dress formally for something, usually like a wedding, special event, or funeral, I felt like the clothes I was wearing were out of place on me. I would see my self in the mirror and hate how I looked.

Those two things are weighing heavily on my mind as I consider possible areas in which to seek out jobs. But I know I have to get a better job in order to move my life forward. It's strange though how I can put on something that would be considered like office formal for a woman and I look at myself and I like the way I look, I feel as if I belong in those clothes.

Since my last post here I have started a personal diary/journal type thing for myself. I've been adding to it daily and what I add I just let out whatever I feel I have to say. I've gone back a few times and read what I wrote the day before and am surprised at how deep I got, how personal, how revealing, I got. I'm going to share a few things I've wrote, edited of course to not reveal too much about myself.

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I had a dream last night/this morning. It started out that I was at work working with my brother and _. We were moving stuff around and just having a good time. We all went to the stock room area and there were a bunch of people there. One of which was one of my old teachers from high school. I avoided him. He likes to talk a lot and can get kind of annoying. Then my brother finds me and asks if I seen him. I said yes. Then all of a sudden we were at like this party thing. I found myself wearing this black knee length dress, knee high heeled boots, panty hose and a bra. I took a seat in the room near my brother. He asked again if I saw our old teacher. I said yes and said I prolly should go say hi. So I got up walked over and said hi, my choice of clothes never affecting me, but I liked them. I said hi, he asked how I was doing, blah blah blah, normal conversation. Then he asked why I was dressed like I was. I looked down at myself then back up at him and said “Ya know, just wanted to do something crazy.” Then I was sitting on the floor in this room with my brother and his girl, still in the dress. I told them I should put my guy clothes back on because people were getting wierded out and I had my fun. The bathroom down the hall was occupied by some girl taking a bath singing some Russian song or something. So I went up stairs, turned out to be my house. My clothes changed again. This time I wore this red feltish like material dress of the same length, but around the bust area it was sheer. You could see the white bra I had on underneath. I was tiptoeing around upstairs to avoid my dad now. I grabbed this white faux fur coat and went back down stairs. As I walked down the stairs I put the coat on and was thinking something to the effect of “People just don’t understand” Then the dream ended.

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I went paint balling for the first time ever a few weeks ago and wrote this about it: Paintballing was interesting. I was starting to really have fun with it too, then my gun hit its own self destruct button and blew itself apart. I was surprised because I did not get like a rush of testosterone like I thought was going to happen. I was just out there having fun, my maleness never playing a factor. Although I will admit that those in the military are far braver than me, I can’t imagine the fear one must have during a real fire fight where people do actually die. It must be super intense.

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I did go to this store that was having a big clearance sale with mom after dinner because I needed some new guy clothes. Walking around looking at all the guy clothes is so boring. I hate guy clothes, I never find anything that I can really say I love. I did notice that as I was walking up and down the long isles, I was swaying my hips as if I was walking more feminine. I did this subconsciously. I didn’t realize it at first, I just knew I was walking different because I was tired. But then I noticed I was definitely swaying my hips. At this point I didn’t care, I was too tired to care, so I kept at it. It felt good though, to walk like that.

We walked around the store to see what else they had. They are moving, so everything is on clearance. I was curious to see if there was anything worth coming back for on my own. Possibly some new shoes? But nope, the shoe selection was horrible and at quick glance, nothing in my size. They still had tons of women’s clothes though. Lots of dresses. Things I’m too scared to buy. I would love to go shopping though and pick out an outfit or two or four. My heart was pulling at me as we walked past the rows and rows of women’s clothes. They were so much more diverse than the guys section. I saw at a glance many things I would love. I could have spent hours bargain hunting for delicious outfits. It’s so fucking hard to deny myself the simple indulgence of shopping for clothes I would love. Fear. It is fear that denies me, that which holds me back.

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I'll share more in future posts. There is much more, and far deeper things as well, things I may not ever share here because of how personal they are. But I do know one thing though, the pieces of Isobelle seem to be falling in place as to what role she plays in my future.

P.S. For those interested, I do have a facebook page now. I blame Tina for it. I made it spontaneously, without thought. I'm not sure what I really hope to accomplish from this, but it is yet another step into exploring and finding out who I am. If you're going to add me, send me a message please.

I Quit...

Life is extremely difficult and the decisions we make define us, they are what tells the rest of the world who we are and who we are going to be. I have made a difficult decision after nearly two weeks of stress and utter hell that effected me to very core of who I am. It all began early last week. Combined with a trip to the dentist, (which is never fun, those drills are just a hellish nightmare) and my work bringing up the issue once again about the length of my hair set the mood for one bad day. That is where the mood came from for that last blog post.

Thank you to everybody who cared enough to leave a comment or send me an email or was there for me talk to. I know I am not ugly or any of the other stuff I said, but I felt so down. The pain of the day was just overwhelming and for me it always helps to get the bad feelings out. Usually I just vent through music but sometimes I feel the need to vent more. That is when I pick up a pen, or a keyboard, and try to put my feelings to words. But again, I do sincerely appreciate all the love I was shown, I was left with tears in my eyes because of it. Thank you all again. :)

But things did not get any better from there. Everyday last week I was confronted at work about my hair, once even by one of the owners. I remained defiant in caving to their demands. As the week went on I began to get this sickening fear that I was going to lose my job. Friday came and my boss gave me the weekend off to think about everything. He told me he hoped I do the right thing.

The weekend was long and stressful. I thought about everything and the reasons why. Monday came and back to work I went. Halfway through the day I was confronted again. I left for lunch in tears, but did not give them the satisfaction of seeing my pain. I came back from lunch, after composing myself, and told my boss that I will not cut my hair and that if they have to, fire me. I held my breath in fear. But I did not get fired. My boss said he could not do it. He confessed to me that it is wrong that I should have to cut my hair. He said he did not want his name associated with this. I left work early, but a little comforted that I know that my boss knew it was wrong.

Tuesday was rather uneventful. No talks at all about my hair. Wednesday I took the day off. I had a job interview with the job I left last December for this one. They hired me back on the spot, although it will mean less pay. So the event for today was set up.

I quit my job this morning. I quit because I just cannot work for somebody who does not respect me as a human being. I quit because they wanted me to be some one who I am not. I quit because my hair means so much more to me than just growing it out for the music I love. I quit my job this morning because I am transgendered and my hair helps define who I am. I quit because I cannot be anybody other than myself.

So as I sit here, typing this, reflecting on what has transpired, I think. I have no regret for what I've done. I am glad I had the courage to take a stand for something I believe in, which is freedom of human expression. We are all humans and each of us has a different view of how we should live our lives as individuals and as long as we are not hurting anyone else, we should be free to do so. How we look or present ourselves should not matter, although those are things that define us, the focus should be on how we act and how much goodness is in our hearts and souls.

And as I think even more I can't help but think, can't help but wonder. Is this the start of the path I am choosing? Have I already chose my path and is this one of many things to come along that path? I still don't know where my life will go, my mind likes to over analyze things. But I know I do things that I don't know why I do them, or I do them against all reason, like quitting a job because I refuse to get a hair cut to their liking. I like to believe that in times like that, it is not my mind guiding me, but rather my heart and soul.

I am Ugly

I wrote this just now, an attempt to put my pain to words. Life seems to have me cornered once again, but before I fight my way out, I'll sit here and cry and shed my pain in tears...

I am ugly

I am unwanted and unloved

I am undesired

Nobody wants me and I don't blame them

My inner beauty scarred and hidden

No sympathy I've been given

I am ugly, unwanted, unloved, undesired

My reflection brings pain

No comfort, not even in the rain

Tears are my only true friend

I am ugly, unwanted, unloved, undesired

The burning bright light of hope

In my mind, a faint flicker

How am I to cope?

Life sure is a kicker

I am ugly, unwanted, unloved, undesired

I know it's true

It has defined my existance

From birth, it has gone the distance

Yet I feel I know the cause

The wretch of a body I was cursed with

I am ugly, unwanted, unloved, undesired

I am undesired

I am unloved and unwanted

I am ugly

Going Deeper and Deeper...

Well it’s been almost near forever since I last made a post here. A lot has happened in the past two months, well maybe not that much, but I’ve been busy nonetheless. Busy in all areas of my life too. So just a warning now that this may be longer and please excuse my rambling. :)

I guess I’ll start with things that have made me happy, kept me positive. I’ve been spending more time with my friends in real life. They don’t know about Isobelle, but it is just nice to have friends who you can be around and just be yourself, well almost yourself, lol. But I do enjoy the time I spend with them. It just seems that when we are together having a good time, everything else in the world just takes a back seat, ya know? Problems, jobs, worries, anything that concerns you just disappears. I like the carefree time we share together.

I kinda got obsessed with two video games since last time. I’ve never been much of a gamer, though I do always manage to keep up with current gaming technology. I do have a PS3 and a 360 which I got earlier this year. For the most part they both just sat and collected dust, I would play a game or two occasionally. But that has changed. A friend of mine introduced me to two games that I’ve been playing nonstop. Mass Effect and Mass Effect 2. I just can’t stop playing them. I don’t know what it is about them but they just attract me in some way.

But the biggest thing that has kept my happy going is music. I have seen so many bands over the last few months, it’s just crazy. But music is my life blood afterall and going to concerts and seeing some of the bands and people that I look up to is just amazing and lifts my spirits so much. Some of the bands I have seen include: Chimaira, In This Moment, Saviors, Goatwhore, Skeletonwitch, Kingdom of Sorrow, Kataklsym, 3 Inches of Blood, Lamb of God, Drowning Pool, Five Finger Death Punch, Rob Zombie, Megadeth, Black Label Society, Slayer, DevilDriver, and TestAmenT. Metalhead I am, lol.

One thing though that I’ve noticed more and more when I go to shows anymore is that Isobelle is ever present in my mind. Like, especially at the big outdoor fests, there are many attractive women, women who dress in incredible sexy “rockstar” style. I see these women and girls and all I think about is how much I would love to go to a show dressed like that. I even had a very vivid dream about one such girl I saw and met at Ozzfest. In this dream, which was just so vivid, I was her, at the concert. It was so real because I envisioned the clothes she was wearing, I could feel them on me, feel their tightness, and consequently, felt myself getting hot in them, lol. This dream was just so pleasant, me being her, walking around adoring all the attention I was getting from all the guys. It was just incredible.

Aside from that stuff I’ve been having a tough time with my feelings. Things have been eating at me, on my mind constantly. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t dwell on thoughts of being female, living life as a woman, the transition process, thoughts on how and what that would mean for my life. When I stand in front of a mirror, I do not really like the refection that I see. I’ll strike a feminine pose, then it looks better.

I have never really been comfortable or satisfied with the way I look, with the way my body is. It was during puberty that I really paid more attention to my body than any time before that, and I can remember never liking my body, never satisfied. At the time I just knew I did not like my body. I did not know how to make it so I would like it. Years later as I began to lose weight I became slightly more accepting, but there was still something off. I even tried weight lifting and muscle building a few times. I had noticeable effects from that, but that did not solve my discomfort either. Now I’m beginning to understand where the discomfort lies, where the dislike comes from, why I am not satisfied. My body is male. Yesterday I found some time to dress, just simple clothes but femme, and as I looked at myself in the mirror, complete with padding to imitate breasts, I could feel tears welling in my eyes. I liked what I saw. What I saw in my reflection was comforting.

Things like that reassure my belief that all this is not just some elaborate fantasy in my mind. It is something way more. It is something that goes beyond my mind into my heart and soul. And with that comes a question. A question that I think I know the answer to but I’m scared to admit. Scared because the path ahead of that answer is unknown, potentially very rough, the ending uncertain. Am I transsexual?

But I need to know the answer for sure. Something in me just tells me I need to know. So I’ll keep pushing myself to dig deeper into my mind, into my heart and soul. I’ll keep exploring. I’m not sure what having the answer will mean though. But I’ll keep searching then as well. Afterall, life is a journey and if we stop searching, stop moving forward, then that means we have given up and accepted a life that is not our own, we live a life where the true person inside you is never known and you are never really “you.”

I'm not Gone

Well it feels like I've dropped completely off the TG world. I mean I have not made a new caption in what seems like forever, it's been over a month since I posted anything here, and the chat and forums I'm usually on, I don't go to much anymore. So what's the deal? What's going on with me?

Well to be completely honest, I've just felt out of it. Normal everyday life has just gotten me worn out. I think I need a vacation from work. lol But seriously, the reason I've not been around much is because I've got a lot going on right now and I just don't feel like talking and bringing my problems or trails in life to the feet of others. I'm very independent, my friends know this lol, I ask for help only as a last option when I can't figure it out myself. But the things I've got going on right now are things that I alone have to deal with.

It's nothing bad I don't think. Work is wearing on me. I try to avoid the stress involved with it, but sometimes it's quite impossible in order to do your job and do it the right way. Although it seems more and more that my job is just not working out. It's not what I want to do or deal with. Fortunately I feel that my time at this particular job is closing in on it's end.

Yeah, I'm going back to college. Taking a summer online course right now. Which is another reason why I have not been around. Dealing with getting this set up, and now the course work. But for now, I'm just focusing on getting my Associates Degree. Which if all goes well I'll have it in August. :) Depending on where I go from there, career wise, I may or may not continue to work to get my Bachelors Degree.

So as I think about it, things do seem to be turning toward a positive direction in my life. Changes are still taking place within me and with my life, which back in May I thought my life was headed in a changing direction. :) Although for the time being, until I finish this course, I'm sorta putting things tied to TG and exploring/understanding it more, on hold. I need to focus on getting a degree right now. I feel it is the most important thing I can do right now.

So with all that, I should expect to be back with updates more often, and be around more in August. So until then, kisses to all. :)

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some work and studying to do for this online course. :)

Thoughts, questions, comments? Post 'em below or feel free to send me an email. :)

Live for the Moment

So today was... Well I don't know any exact word to describe it. It was kinda all over the place emotional wise. The day started off very stressful at work, but I tried to remain positive, but as the morning wore on, my patience wore off. I slowly slipped into an anger/depressed/hate my life state. Not good by any means. So I began trying things to change my mood. I ate some lunch, no help, tried thinking of happy things, no help, even music did not help. So I left myself in silence. This lasted a few hours but out of nowhere I snapped out of it as a thought popped into my head. A glorious thought that saved my day.

What was this thought? Simple. Why should I care that much about work, why should I let it get me so worked up over it? Why? All it is there for is a method for me to make money. I should not let it consume my life. My life should not be about a meaningless job in which I will not make any impact whatsoever. My life should be about me and what I really want. I should not worry so much about my past or what sort of impact things I do today should have on tomorrow. Live for the moment, do what you feel is right at the time. But what if you do is wrong, or a mistake? Simple, learn from it.

I then started to think about me being different and how sometimes I get thoughts of wanting to just be normal. And I said to myself "Why the fuck would you ever want to be normal? Being different makes life fun and interesting and unpredictable. Being different made you the person you are, embrace it." And then a thought sent a chill down my spine. I thought "Well being transgender makes me different right? Right. It's about as different as I can be. Being transgender is a part of who I am, it makes me, me. Why should I keep trying to figure out the why and focus more on the what. As in what can I do with this, what does being transgender mean for my life?"

My random and lightning quick thinking paused as a chill ran down my spine. It is true. I should stop trying to figure out why I am the way I am. Just let it be because I'll prolly never know the answer. Or maybe it is as simple as several have told me, that my mind is that of a female and it's trapped in a male body. Whatevers. I need to focus more on what being transgender is going to mean for my life. As of right now I have no idea as this ideal of thinking only entered my mind a few hours ago.

But all this quickly elevated my mood to that of being happy. I wore a smile on my face for the rest of the day, even up until now. I turned to music to help me proclaim my happiness. I needed one song inparticular to start off my new way of thinking. Live for the Moment.

Thoughts, questions, comments? Post 'em below or email me. :)

Spring is Here

So there have been several things that have happened to me since my last post here. Things that, well at least some of them, I'd consider big steps. On a whole my attitude and mood have been positive. Afterall it is spring time and it's hard to stay down when the world around you is breathing new life unto itself. Aside from my allergies, lol, I love spring time. New life, new beginnings, fresh starts, new attitudes, it is a time of rebirth. And in all honesty, I feel that I am on the verge of a rebirth myself. It may not be my body that gets a rebirth, but more of my attitude and the way I perceive myself.

So I'll start with something that happened today. It was one of those days at work that you just wish never happened, just uggghhhhhhhh be over already!! So I got home, in a bitter mood, but was thankful to be home. I had not planned it, or even thought about it, but I found myself with some alone time and before I even realized what I was doing I was pulling out things to dress. I needed it. I had an opportunity and I took full advantage of it. I didn't go all out though, just something simple and easy. Bra, panties, a simple dress and my new boots. I felt right in the clothes even though my body did not match them, I felt right. I noticed as I walked around in my heeled boots that walking feminine is beginning to feel more natural to me. I do practice quite often when no one is around. So I sat down and was just enjoying my time dressed en fem and I realized something. I'm not really a dress kinda girl. Sure I'd wear them for special occasions and whatnot, but like for an everyday clothing item, no way. I'd be much more of a pants or even skirt girl. And it's not like I felt wrong in it, it was just like I looked at myself and it was not my style. I know, I'm soooo weird. I'd still totally rock the boots though. lol.

Speaking of my new boots, I got them two weekends ago. I am very proud of them. One because I just love them. Knee high patent leather boots with a 4 inch heel. Like OMG!! I love them! lol. But I think I am most proud of them because these are the first pieces of women's attire that I have purchased in public. I mean it's so easy to buy online or the ever popular "borrowing", but to actually go to a store, with other people in it, and buy fem items is really hard, especially for your first time. But I did it. I was very proud of myself for getting the courage to do it.

And with the whole courage theme I did something this past weekend that I never imagined myself doing, while being male anyway. Something came over me about two weeks ago that told me I need to do this. It was definitely not my male side at all, it was coming from my female side. I still do not know why or where this urge came from, all I know is I acted on it and did it. I am speaking of course of getting my ears pierced. I know it is not uncommon for a guy to get them pierced, but I just never pictured me, as a guy, getting them done. But here I sit typing this with a metal half circle hanging from each ear lobe. The interesting thing is really nobody has said anything about them. Not even my work. But that is a big relief. I was so worried about what others would say or how they would react. I mean I was not even worried about the actual piercing part.

I was actually looking forward to it. Getting my ears pierced is the first time I've ever done something to my body that can be considered body modification. And I look at it and it was not really that big of a deal. I mean I kinda want more piercings now, lol. Damn you work and your restrictions. lol. But I think it's good that I have taken a step and altered my body in some way. I consider it a small step towards bigger things if they ever come.

So a bit of an update on that hair cutting thing I mentioned a while back. I refuse to cut my hair. I just cannot do it, I can't sacrifice part of who I am. So I did not get the advancement because of my decision. Ohh well. I'm actually thinking of starting to look for another job anyways. This one is just not what I was hoping it would be. But such is trial and error.

I suppose the good thing is I'm still trying to look on the bright side of things. I've been really listening to alot of music lately, and not just like passively listening, but really listening to the music and lyrics. It helps me alot, it keeps me positive (however negative the lyrics :P ), and it just gives me an energy, a vibe that nothing else in life can give me. I guess that proves once again that above all music is my life blood. :)

Thoughts, Questions, Comments? Post 'em here or email me. :)

Stuck in a Hole

I feel like I'm stuck in a hole. Really I do. I noticed this as I looked around at my living space and noticed I have not really cleaned in a very long time. It's not like it is horrible or I'm a slob, just things out of place, stuff I've bought and have not found homes for yet, laundry not put away, and my desk... Just a complete mess.

Stuff like that, and it got to me. So I've been cleaning up today and as I am cleaning I started to wonder why. Why did I let it get so bad? The answer is simple. I feel like I've been stuck in a hole. I just have felt like I have no motivation to do really anything. And I know why. My desire is consuming me. I have days where I just do not feel right in my male shell. I have times where I will be in good spirits and all of a sudden come crashing down and I just kinda mope around and don't do anything.

Everyday I have thoughts about being or becoming female. And its not like one or two during the day, they are there most of the day, from some of the first thoughts when I wake up, to some of the last thoughts I have before I go to sleep. Nothing really distracts them either. Anywhere I go, anything I do, they are there. Work, hanging out with friends, going to a concert, playing with myself, anywhere and anything. But especially when I play. I cannot see myself as a male in a sexual situation, all I see is me as the girl. I've tried to picture myself as the guy, but it was like it didn't even turn me on at all and I quickly turned it around to where I was the girl.

So I feel like I'm stuck in a hole because I honestly don't know what to do next, or how to get myself out. I don't like being in this state I'm in. In this state my life feels like it has stalled, like I'm not going anywhere. I feel like I need to do something, but what? Maybe look for a new job, one that would bring in more money so I can move out on my own? Maybe look into seeing on what I need to finish getting a degree? Maybe seek out support groups and try to express my female side more? Maybe wrap this up and get back to cleaning and go from there? lol.

One last bit before I wrap this up though. This has to do with Alexia's comment. I kinda wanted to say something in my next post as opposed to commenting back, more people might read it this way. Anyway... I have taken quite a few of those online gender test thingies. Around 90% of the time I get either female or 50/50 result. I know most of them are not meant to use as a deciding test, but the results make me think cause I get the same results most of the time. Another thing, labels. I don't really like them and really don't like them applied to me. Mostly because labels do not tell the whole story and you don't always fit all the definitions of the label. With that being said there are really only two labels I accept for me right now. One is transgender. I fit that, that is me. Although it did take me some time to accept it, I feel it was an important step in my journey to say I am a transgender person. The other label is one I have been so proud to call myself, and this label I openly accepted and wanted. It is metalhead. A follower of metal music and one who lives their life for the music. For those of you out there who know me, you know that I am in love with metal music and the lifestyle associated with it and that I proudly show it. :) Up until my acceptance of transgender, it was the only label I knew I agreed with 100%.

Now back to cleaning...

Thoughts, comments, questions? Post them below or feel free to email me. :)

Conflikted

Well first I would like to clarify something. I have been getting some confused reactions to my last post. Yes I believe myself to be transgender. But what does that mean exactly? It does not mean at this point that I will be transitioning. That may or may not come in the future. But right now I consider myself transgendered because I feel that my outside gender does not always match my inside one. Like I feel that the label female better describes me than male. I hope that clears up any confusion.

I've been having a rough time lately. These thoughts of wanting to be female have just really hit me hard. I feel like I'm fighting myself. Male versus female. Neither side ever wins. And each time I feel so down after each battle. Sometimes to the point of tears. And this struggle is all about becoming female, like going through a transition. I know that I would want to, but there are so many things about it that just scare the shit out of me. Like will I be accepted, will I be able to find a job not only to live but to pay for everything involved, will I still have a family, is it really what I want, could I really be happy with my body being female? The fear of the unknowns. And there are so many of them. I guess I still have a lot of searching and thinking to do. I feel so conflicted...

Anyway, I've been looking to music as a guide once again in my life. I'd like to share some lyrics that have made me think or have given me something.

Sevendust - Waffle

Bring me a light, Make my life worth something more, Show me a light, Bring me a light

...

I need to find a meaning, I'm useless, I'm useless, Trapped inside my own web

Metallica - Until it Sleeps

Where do I take this pain of mine? I run but it stays right by my side, So tear me open pour me out, There's things inside that scream and shout ... Just like the curse just like the stray, you feed it once and now it stays ... So tell me why you've chosen me, Don't want you grip your greed

Five Finger Death Punch - Never Enough

I'd rather hate you for everything you are, Then ever love you for something you are not, I'd rather you hate me for everything I am, Then have you love me for something that I can't

In Flames - Touch of Red

Reaching depths of clarity, I'm not supposed to be like this, I should be on top of the world, Is there anybody out there like me?

I followed - something's missing, Self control - forcing me down, Whispers consume the air, Above her I'm endless

When the rain comes falling, I'll freeze I'm so afraid, When things start to flood me, I'll drown in seconds

Fear - there's a way out, Touch of red, Break away, Nothing has it all, Bury the place I've been, I fear there's a way out

As if I ever had a choice, All in the hands of the energy, Once again I feel the quicksand, Shallow me tonight I won't stuggle

Fear - there's a way out, Touch of red, Break away, Nothing has it all, Bury the place I've been, I fear there's a way out

Fear Factory - Fear Campaign

Fear is the enemy on my path

...

What do you fear? Fear is your god!

And my favorite lyric of all that always makes me feel stronger and just makes me proud that this is the way I live.

Sepultura - Attitude

Live your life and not the way they taught you. Do what you feel!

Thoughts, comments, questions? Post 'em below or feel free to email me.

Revalations

So there is a few things that I have learned/realized about myself since my last post here. I feel that these are some pretty big things that have come forth. What they will mean to me? Only time can tell...

First, my desire to be female has gotten very strong. So strong that over the past few weeks, several times has my desire brought me to tears. And not just watery eyes tears, but full on break down and let it all out tears too. I think about it constantly too. I don't even try to think about it and it's in my head. Sometimes happy thoughts, sometimes thoughts that just bring me down.

I think I underestimated the deepness of my desire when a few months back I thought it was just something of a phase I was going through. I thought I was spending too much time around the online stories and captions and it was getting to me. But when I stepped away and tried to not pay attention to this stuff online, it was still there in me. It did not go away, it was not quiet. Maybe I was foolish to think that it would just go away, or go back to being what I thought was just a fetish. Truth is that it's not going away, it just keeps growing and growing.

As a point to prove that, I think I have been really ignoring alot that has led me to this point in my journey. For instance, I have a tendency to downplay my past, my teen years and what I did. There was a period of time when dressing almost became an obsession to me. I had to feel the clothes on me, I just had to. I needed it. It was like a drug. I never went as far as putting on makeup and getting myself all done up, I just needed the clothes. I can remember when I had the clothes on, I sorta felt natural in them. I still have that. I guess my point is that these feeling of wanting to be female, to feel female are nothing new. They have been with me for a long time now. And then I realized something that made me stop in my tracks.

I was talking to Kathryn a few days ago. As we were talking, the subject came up about the first time we were aroused so much that we came. So when it was my turn to share my story, I went back and dug through my mind. I remembered it as if it were yesterday. I was around 13 years old at the time. I was laying in bed one night, could not sleep. My mind was just wandering from one thing to the next. Out of no where I got this image in my head of the outfit that Princess Leia wore when she was the slave girl. (Yeah I know, major Star Wars nerd :P ) I remember seeing the outfit, but it was not on Leia. Now up until this point of my remembering I had always thought I came to a vision of slave girl Leia. But that is not the truth. I guess at the time I just overlooked it cause it was my first time. But anyway, as I recalled that night, that thought, I realized something. I saw the outfit, but not on Leia. I remember the wondering what it would feel like to have an outfit like that around my skin. The first time I came was to a thought of me being feminine. I seriously just stopped all I was doing and just sat there. I ran the night through my head again, same outcome. It couldn't be, could it? All this time, all these years, my desire has always been there.

Recently I met a post-op MtF TS online. We have been talking. She told me something that another post-op told me online once before. She said that the feeing I have, the things I feel inside me, she had the same feelings. I was shocked, but at the same time sorta expected that. I believe my desire runs far deeper than what I have thought. Or maybe I've just been in denial?

Whatever it is I have made a decision. I looked back at where I've been and where I am now. And I know it's gonna be, "Well duh. I could have told you that." but I have never said it before. I guess I've been sorta afraid of using the term about me, maybe scared of what it could mean. But I'm going to take a deep breath and say it...

I am transgendered.

There, I said it. What it means from here I have no idea. All I know is that my desire keeps building within me and at some point I'll be faced with a decision. Quite possibly the toughest decision life will throw at me. It won't be easy, but I know it is coming...

Thoughts, questions, comments? Post them below or feel free to email me.

An Update, or me Rambling?

Well I think I'll give an update. Mostly cause I'm in a good mood right now and feel sorta talkative. Hehe. So sorry up front if this gets random or just turns into me babbling. Hehe.

Well first I'd like to say something about my last couple of posts. They were not happy posts by any means. I wanted to keep the vibe here of a positive feel, but life is just not that way. I am much better now, but I think that rough stretch was something that really made me think. Like even though it was a not so good time for me, I think it was valuable in my journey. I feel like it was even further proof that maybe my outside is just not right. Like it was surge of more of my inner female taking control in some ways. And I do believe that because I can't remember any time in my life that I have cried so much. It just seems lately that there will be things that just bring tears to my eyes. Good or bad things too. I feel more emotional than ever before. I feel more and more like my male label just doesn't fit me.

-Changing Directions-

Okay, so the past week or so has I think been really interesting. I dare say even fun at some points. So with I just said about the control thing, with that I have been letting Isobelle have some control, like just giving her control, for fun. Hehe, omg it was fun! Like when no one has been around and I'm alone, I've been practicing walking more like a girl. Ohhh wow it feels incredible to do that. Like to just walk and sway your hips, keeping your legs close together. Fuck I felt so much like a woman doing that! Everytime I did that I felt so happy afterwards. :) One bad thing though is that I think when I was out shopping yesterday, my inner girl was in control. Like I spent way more than what I wanted to spend and bought stuff I really didn't need, but when I saw them I was all like"OMG I totally need this!" So $200 plus later I've decided that I have to be careful when shopping. Hahahaha.

Ok, something that I'm not sure if it means anything big or not, but I have been trying to figure out how to make my voice sound more feminine. It's really hard. Like I know I can change my voice, but that is usually in the opposite direction. Like I'm decent at doing death metal style vocals, but those are deep gutteral things. Not very feminine. Hehe. Unless you count my imitations of Angela Gossow from Arch Enemy. Hehe. But still, just talking is really hard and it's something that I'm gonna continue to work on.

-Changing Again O_o -

Well not to try to kill the upbeat mood, but there is something major in my life that I have to deal with. Ok, so for those of you who don't know, I have long hair. Like even though I cut six inches off the other day to get rid of all the dead, split ends, it still comes downs to about the middle of my back. So like the problem is that my boss confronted me about my hair. Basically he told me that I would need to cut my hair to advance. I think he was even hinting at like if I did not cut my hair I could be out of a job. He said it was because of a public image thing for the company.

First I am so hurt by this. My long hair represents so many things to me. Mainly my devotion to my music, but also recently it has become very important to my inner female self. My hair is who I am, I am very proud of it. I know that if I did cut it I would never forgive myself. I have talked to some people about this and some say it's bullshit that I should have to cut my hair (which I completely agree with), and some have said cut it and move on. Yeah I know hair grows back. But it's not that. I guess in some way I feel that I have to stand up and say that long hair is not bad, does not make me a bad person. Like just because I have long hair should not matter. Afterall, girls have long hair right? Why can't a guy? I start thinking about it and I start getting so pissed about it. I hate business type people who only live in their little box of a world and don't care to experience anything outside of that, let alone try and understand anything outside of that. I don't know. This hair cutting thing hits me deep. I would love to walk up to them and say "Fuck you, you arrogant, discriminating assholes! My hair is who I am dammit! If you can't see past it, then fuck you! I don't need to work for some asshole who doesn't understand human expression!" But I still need a job.

-Last Direction Change :P -

Well side from that, things have been good. One maybe weird thing, was last night I was out to dinner with friends, and as I was sitting there I looked around at the table. One side had my friend and his girl across from me, and on the side I sat was me and another guy friend. I looked across at her and then over at my friend sitting next to me and thought that if I were a girl it would be so cool. Like she would have another girl in the group to talk to and he could have a girl. Hehe, many thoughts crossed my mind right then and there. Ohhhhh to be a girl! But then I looked at him again and realized, he would totally not be my type. Hahaha.

Little things like that really make me believe that if I were a girl my life would be better. Like if I were a girl I would not have to hide such feelings. I could express myself more freely as a woman. Like I know it took many years to fully express my musical love to the rest of the world as I do now. I definitely do not make my love of music hidden, it's out there in the open, right up front and I am incredibly proud of it. I wish I could do that with my desire to be female, but I guess it will either just take time or never happen. I hope all it takes is time. Being trapped and not being able to express your true feelings really sucks. I think I am moving towards being able to express myself truly though, which I think is good. :)

Thoughts, comments, questions? Post 'em below or email me. :)