Sometimes I Hate my Life...

I think I've been having a false sense of all is well. Today was just a total mind fuck. I've been on a roller coaster of emotions all day, but for the most part I've just felt so down, so depressed. Today I actually hated my body the way it is. I don't know what is going on in my head anymore. It seems more and more all I think about is my desire. But today, today was just really fucked up.

I awoke this morning from a dream. Well a nightmare might describe it better. In this dream I came out to my family. I sat them all down at once and explained myself, who I was on the inside and that my outside did not match. In this dream I even went as far as to say I would be changing myself to match my inside. Well in my dream they did not take it very well, they called me very hurtful names. There was no love or compassion shown at all. The dream ended with all of them leaving the room, insulting me. I woke up feeling terrible.

The rest of the day was no different. Up and down, most of the time down. All that has been going through my mind all day is my desire. Yet unlike my last day with my desire, this one was not a happy experience. My stomach has been churning all day. At one point I looked down at myself and saw ugliness. What I saw was not what I wanted to see. I would have given anything at that moment to remove the unwanted appendage between my legs. This has been the first time I have ever had such thoughts. At another point during the day, I buried my head in my pillow and let it out. I cried for the first time in years.

The rest of the roller coaster was filled with hate, anger and a brief moment of happiness. the happiness came when I wrote a caption. You'll see it when I update my caption blog on Tuesday. It's what I wished would really come true today. The anger came when I was online and a person who I consider a friend just pissed me off at something they did. There was a bit of time when everything was feeling like at ease. This was when I was talking with my online sister. She always makes me feel better, I love her dearly. Yet despite being able to talk to her today, I was unable to overcome my fucked up mood. I even could not snap my mood with music. Although I can't stop listening to a certian song at the moment.

I wish this day over. I hope tomorrow is far better. I wish I knew why I was so fucked up. Sometimes I just hate my life...

Thoughts, questions, or comments. Post 'em below or email me.

Control

So today definitely ranked as one of those days where it is quite obvious that my desire is growing stronger. Today like really felt like Isobelle was in control of my mind. I mean she was there, all day. Like she seriously would not go away. Not that Ireally cared though. I mean it was a good day, the sun was shining bright in the blue sky, the temperature was moderate for this time of year. It was a day that just lifted your spirits and to have my mind just be happy and roam where it wanted to was really cool.

So the whole mood of the day began right when I woke up. I hate waking up early, but have to, and I'm always very sluggish for the first few minutes. So I drag my feet out from the covers and put them on the floor and sit up. As I sat up a vision rushed into my mind. There I was just above a guy laying down, his dick hard and straight up in the air. I felt myself grab him and guide his hardness into my pussy as I lowered myself on to him. I heard myself go "MMmmmmmmmm" I so wanted this to last forever, but the vision vanished as my grogginess left me and I began to wake up.

Next came the most shocking moment of the day for me. As I was pulling into my work's parking lot I noticed something. It was just a simple observation of where a car was parked, nothing really out of the ordinary, but something came over me right then and there. An involuntary impulse I guess you call it. I fucking giggled, out loud, at what I saw. It wasn't a snicker, a laugh, a chuckle, it was a giggle. I couldn't believe what I just did. I stopped the car and went "What the hell was that? Did I seriously just do that?" I mean never have I giggled out loud like that before. I didn't know what to think. So I just sorta shook it off and said to myself "Be quite Izzy, you can't come out now, I have to go to work!" But did she listen? NO!

The rest of the day was filled with thoughts of just being Isobelle, thoughts about what things would be like to make a transition, thinking of my body how it would look as the other gender. Today was a day of Isobelle. There was even one point where I got so horny during the day I began to moan out loud as I envisioned my self as a female exploring my new feminine body. Luckily I was the only one around. ( Yes I'm positive I was alone. I was the only one in the vehicle :P ) And then there was the part where I saw this woman, who was close to my current size and build, and all I could think was "Damn, I can look like that. She's fucking sexy as hell, her body so wonderful..." I always loose words when that happens. Gets me excited though, and makes me think.

So I guess if I had to put a description on what today was, I'd call it a fun and interesting day. I was very pleased with it. :)

Thoughts, questions, comments? Post 'em below or email me. Laters all. :)

Something Interesting

Well I had an interesting night last night. To say the least. And while it was something I have done before, this time was different. Like it made me realize something more about myself. I found it odd though.

So here's what happened. I was out with some friends, and after the movie it was still kinda early and we were bored. Well out of ideas, we decided to go to a strip club. Nothing new for me. I actually enjoy going. But this time was different. I mean the point of a place like that is to get you stimulated sexually right? Naked women all around dancing and moving provocatively. Should get you going right? Well not me last night. As I sat there watching, I was studying them. Studying their body, their form, the way they move. I mean, yeah, I was attracted to them. But I more wanted to be like them than to have them all over me.

Even when I was getting a private lap dance. Seeing her pussy in my face, I wanted one. I want to know what it feels like to have one. I did not get hard at all. I kinda felt bad for her too. I mean she was trying real hard, and I know she could prolly tell I was not hard, grinding all over me like that. I just kinda sat there, there was enjoyment in my face, but it was not sexual enjoyment. It was enjoyment of getting to see a human form that I would love to have, have it move over another human form as I would love to do. I guess you could say during the dance I was just envisioning myself as her. Doing that dance to another guy.

I've never had that happen before where I didn't get hard from those thoughts though. I mean I normally get really horny when I start seeing women like that, in those situations. Last night was really strange for me. I enjoyed it, but in a different way than one would normally enjoy a trip to a place like that.

Sometimes I think my head is so fucked up...

Then again, maybe it's not. If I gained anything from last night, it's that I really do have a desire to be female, that it's something more than just a simple fantasy. It really fucking messes with me. It IS a desire that my whole body feels.

Questions, thoughts, comments? Post 'em below or email me. :)

Desires

So I had something happen today that reaffirmed my belief that this desire inside me to be female is far more than just a fantasy. It really is a desire, a want, a need. Although I have not had an episode of it being that strong a desire in some time. It was kinda strange cause I don't think anything triggered it, it just was there.

So this is what happened. I woke up this morning, after a night of drinking, (its the weekend, usually happens, lol) and I had an incredibly strong desire to feel female. And it was not like I'm hard I need sexual release feeling, it was just a feeling of I need to feel more female. Like I just needed to be female, that my male body was like out of place on me. I knew what I had to do to aid this feeling so it did not send me into a down state of mind, I needed to dress. Once I did I felt much better, like my body was in a state of peace, like I felt normal I guess. It was like a feeling of a desire becoming reality almost.

Its really funny how clothes can influence your mind like that, but they do. Proir to today I had not dressed in a long while. I don't know why, I just did not feel it. I like to keep it a sort of only as needed basis. I think it has a stronger effect that way. And judging by today, I am correct.

After it was over I felt good about it though. Like normally I kinda feel empty afterwards, but today it was very fulfilling. I kinda feel like I'm moving in a direction with all this, just not sure which one yet.

Thoughts, questions, comments? Post 'em here or email me at isobellenichole@gmail.com

Where am I Now?

So it's been forever since I posted anything on any of my blogs, I know. I was sorta taking a break from this stuff. It had gotten to a point where things were just overwhelming I guess you could say. I had to step away and just clear my mind so I could figure things out a bit. I did not totally close myself off from this world though. I was still around over at TF-Media, but it was basically just chatting with my friends over there. The break was worthwhile though, I did figure some things out.

I still have strong feelings of wanting to be female but at this point in my life it is not going to happen. I let that desire almost overcome me. I have to keep it in control. There were days where I would like put myself in a depressed, or down state of mind because I wanted to be a woman right then and there but was not, could not physically be that. I realized that there is no sense in dwelling that deep on it if it is not going to happen at the current state of my life. Yes it would be nice, but right now it must remain just a fantasy, a desire within me, one that will not see me doing anything to change my body right now. And it's not just financial issues, or the family/friends thing, I think I still need more time o think it through, more time to figure myself out more. So my feelings on this are still the same, I have no idea where it will take me in the future, but for now, I will still be male. But I am happy with this.

Things in my life have sorta turned to a positive angle on things. New job, more good friends, and the thoughts that winter is half over and spring will be here before we know it always brightens my spirits. Winter here just is terrible. I hate cold. I long for warm sunny days. They will be here soon. But these things have taken my mind off of my desire. Again I am happy with this. You cannot go through life and not live it, even if you are not what you desire to be, still go out there and live life in whatever way you can. I have been doing that alot lately, just living life how it is right now. Sure I still think life would be better as a female, but I have to take what I have right now and make the most of it.

And just because I am in a happy state where things are right now doesn't mean I will stop making captions or stop exploring this side of me. It is too big a part of me for it to just go away or be silent. I have made a good number of captions over my little break and am still making them, so expect to see new ones through out February and into March every couple of days. And I am still exploring, but I am staying positive about it and not letting it get me down. I went back and re-read my last post here and I do have a big change in attitude and mood since then. I feel much more positive and I am looking at things more positively.

Thoughts, comments, questions? Post them here or email me at isobellenichole@gmail.com