Another Year of Learning

Well, another birthday is just around the corner for me. For the first time in my life my age and getting older has become a concern for me. I am only in my mid twenties, but physically I know my body is getting older. Despite how my mind feels, I am no longer a teenager. For some reason life doesn’t seem so endless anymore. I am no longer at the beginning.

I’ve been in deep thought over this. There are choices that I have to make concerning my life. Things that are on my mind from the time I wake up until the moment I fall asleep and then even in my dreams. I speak of course of transgenderism, transsexualism, and my desire to be female.

I know I am transgendered. I’ve never said it here, but it is something I realized and accepted about myself. I am a transsexual. I do strongly feel that deep down under this male flesh is a wonderful woman. I know this because I can feel it in my heart. When I let go of all the pressures of the world, when I just open up and not worry about anything and just be myself, that self is female in nature. The way I act, the way I think, the way I talk is all female. All the male programming I’ve had throughout my entire life fades away.

Most of my life I thought those things were bad or wrong, that if I showed any of the outside world those feelings that... Well I never knew exactly what the world would think of me. I always felt though that I could not open up to my parents because the raised me to be a man, their son. How could I tell them something that, in their eyes, would destroy that sense of pride in having a son? I am their first born son and I know my father takes pride in that. I’ve gone through all the typical father/son things. He did try teaching me things about being a man. I didn’t always like them, but I thought that being a man was what I was supposed to be. It’s strange though how in the same day my dad would be teaching me about the inner workings of a car’s engine and how to fix it, then later that night after everybody was asleep I would dress up.

But I knew I could never tell my parents when I was growing up. I have seen just how close minded my father is. He believes a man is a man and should act like one. He is pretty vocal about this and I know when I started growing my hair out, he was greatly opposed to it. I always felt if I open up to him, he would disown me. My mother is questionable. I cannot be sure how she would take it. I would like to think that she is loving enough and compassionate enough to understand, but at the same time I know she does have closed minded tendencies. I was too scared growing up to say anything. I wanted to be normal, I wanted to try my best to please my parents, and that meant being a son, being a man.

So I kept my feelings and actions hidden. I even tried hiding them from myself because I knew what I was thinking and doing was not part of what I thought I was supposed to be. I knew there was something different about me though.

Skipping back to the present, here I am today. I have learned many things, I am adopting my own set of standards and beliefs. I have my own set of values of what is right and wrong, of what makes a person a good human being, of what is acceptable, of what is not. I have developed my own ideas about this thing called life. Many of those things differ, sometimes greatly, from the things that my parents raised me on.

So what does all that mean? It means I am going through life with an open mindset. It means I am indeed finding out just who I am. I am not closing any doors to any path for my future. Included in that set of paths is transitioning. Will I? I’m not 100% sure just yet. Can I? Yes, yes I can. I feel I would be a much happier person if I did, I feel that my true self lies in womanhood, I feel it would be obtaining a sense of freedom in myself, to be myself. But the big question is, will I? I don’t have the means right now to make that choice for sure, but as soon as I do, I will figure that answer out. I want to know, I have to know.

In the meantime I am just trying to make the best of what each day gives me. I find happiness where I can, mostly in music and friends. For now they suffice in keeping me going but I know there is a void in my being, I feel it. At least I can say I think I’m on the right path to filling that void with what has always been missing.

Deeper and Deeper I go into my Very Being, I Think I Should Have Brought a Flashlight...

Life's progress seems to have stalled. Recently I have just been lacking enthusiasm to do really anything. I think part of it is because as I'm trying to get things in order with my life and working my way out to hit the job trail to get a real job, I'm realizing things. Things I've tried to avoid or have avoided for most of my life.

The world out there sees me as a man and expects me to act and dress like one. I've always had trouble in acting like a man in how typical society and typical gender roles says a man should be. I've always felt sub-par in the man role. I have always felt the need that I have to constantly prove my manhood to others, especially other men. Around a group of guys, especially ones who proudly call themselves men, I feel out of place, like I don't fit in. I've tried acting like them to feel like I would fit in better, but it always has a fake feel to it to me.

As far as dressing like man, well that depends. If you are going by the suit and tie world, I hate that. the last time I wore a suit I was but a little kid. Never in my adult life have I worn a suit. I hate suits. I hate mens dress wear too. I've only wore a tie on a handful of occasions. I don't like them, I don't like how I look in them, I feel they don't belong on me. When I did have to dress formally for something, usually like a wedding, special event, or funeral, I felt like the clothes I was wearing were out of place on me. I would see my self in the mirror and hate how I looked.

Those two things are weighing heavily on my mind as I consider possible areas in which to seek out jobs. But I know I have to get a better job in order to move my life forward. It's strange though how I can put on something that would be considered like office formal for a woman and I look at myself and I like the way I look, I feel as if I belong in those clothes.

Since my last post here I have started a personal diary/journal type thing for myself. I've been adding to it daily and what I add I just let out whatever I feel I have to say. I've gone back a few times and read what I wrote the day before and am surprised at how deep I got, how personal, how revealing, I got. I'm going to share a few things I've wrote, edited of course to not reveal too much about myself.

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I had a dream last night/this morning. It started out that I was at work working with my brother and _. We were moving stuff around and just having a good time. We all went to the stock room area and there were a bunch of people there. One of which was one of my old teachers from high school. I avoided him. He likes to talk a lot and can get kind of annoying. Then my brother finds me and asks if I seen him. I said yes. Then all of a sudden we were at like this party thing. I found myself wearing this black knee length dress, knee high heeled boots, panty hose and a bra. I took a seat in the room near my brother. He asked again if I saw our old teacher. I said yes and said I prolly should go say hi. So I got up walked over and said hi, my choice of clothes never affecting me, but I liked them. I said hi, he asked how I was doing, blah blah blah, normal conversation. Then he asked why I was dressed like I was. I looked down at myself then back up at him and said “Ya know, just wanted to do something crazy.” Then I was sitting on the floor in this room with my brother and his girl, still in the dress. I told them I should put my guy clothes back on because people were getting wierded out and I had my fun. The bathroom down the hall was occupied by some girl taking a bath singing some Russian song or something. So I went up stairs, turned out to be my house. My clothes changed again. This time I wore this red feltish like material dress of the same length, but around the bust area it was sheer. You could see the white bra I had on underneath. I was tiptoeing around upstairs to avoid my dad now. I grabbed this white faux fur coat and went back down stairs. As I walked down the stairs I put the coat on and was thinking something to the effect of “People just don’t understand” Then the dream ended.

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I went paint balling for the first time ever a few weeks ago and wrote this about it: Paintballing was interesting. I was starting to really have fun with it too, then my gun hit its own self destruct button and blew itself apart. I was surprised because I did not get like a rush of testosterone like I thought was going to happen. I was just out there having fun, my maleness never playing a factor. Although I will admit that those in the military are far braver than me, I can’t imagine the fear one must have during a real fire fight where people do actually die. It must be super intense.

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I did go to this store that was having a big clearance sale with mom after dinner because I needed some new guy clothes. Walking around looking at all the guy clothes is so boring. I hate guy clothes, I never find anything that I can really say I love. I did notice that as I was walking up and down the long isles, I was swaying my hips as if I was walking more feminine. I did this subconsciously. I didn’t realize it at first, I just knew I was walking different because I was tired. But then I noticed I was definitely swaying my hips. At this point I didn’t care, I was too tired to care, so I kept at it. It felt good though, to walk like that.

We walked around the store to see what else they had. They are moving, so everything is on clearance. I was curious to see if there was anything worth coming back for on my own. Possibly some new shoes? But nope, the shoe selection was horrible and at quick glance, nothing in my size. They still had tons of women’s clothes though. Lots of dresses. Things I’m too scared to buy. I would love to go shopping though and pick out an outfit or two or four. My heart was pulling at me as we walked past the rows and rows of women’s clothes. They were so much more diverse than the guys section. I saw at a glance many things I would love. I could have spent hours bargain hunting for delicious outfits. It’s so fucking hard to deny myself the simple indulgence of shopping for clothes I would love. Fear. It is fear that denies me, that which holds me back.

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I'll share more in future posts. There is much more, and far deeper things as well, things I may not ever share here because of how personal they are. But I do know one thing though, the pieces of Isobelle seem to be falling in place as to what role she plays in my future.

P.S. For those interested, I do have a facebook page now. I blame Tina for it. I made it spontaneously, without thought. I'm not sure what I really hope to accomplish from this, but it is yet another step into exploring and finding out who I am. If you're going to add me, send me a message please.