Moving Foreword

   So I'm writing this post because yet another major change has happened in my life. I got a new job and the wife and I have gotten a place of own now after about a year of moving transitioning. 

   It all happened so fast. Within one week I got a great new job and we found a place of our own. We had previously been living at a family member's house, which sucked for me because I could not be myself.

   But all that is in the past now. The company I now work for is the blessing I've been needing. They are among the best trans friendly companies to work for. The big pay increase doesn't hurt either lol. But they offer insurance that helps cover everything trans related. I'm almost crying because I can't believe it to be true. 

   Things are looking up and once all this virus bullshit goes away I fully intend on getting into therapy and seeing what's next on my journey (they are only offering tele visits right now, which I hate). I also plan on looking into local trans support groups here and attending some meetings. 

   I am very positive about the future right now and like I said, almost in tears at the fact that I may actually be able to fulfill my dream, my desire, my need, to be who I truly am. 

Life Goes On

Yeah I know it's been forever since I posted anything, but some things have happened recently that I want to write about.

First of all my wife and I made a major life changing thing. We moved. And not just down the street but hundreds of miles. We moved from the suburbs of Chicago to western Michigan. The reasons I won't go into detail but we are much happier now. We saw it as a fresh start.

Second, because of this fresh start, I see it as an opportunity to further my life's journey as being trans. As soon as I'm able to get insurance with my new job I want to look into getting therapy and hopefully starting my transition. It is something that eats at me constantly. I am so thankful for the support my wife gives me.

Third, I did something recently that really reassured me wanting to be a woman and also gave me a huge confidence booster. I sorta crossdressed and went out. With my wife's pushing (and alcohol), I wore a leather skirt with killer biomechanical leggings and knee high platform patent leather boots to a concert last week. I was so scared but at the same time so excited. I had so much fun in expressing myself. Granted it was a Korn show and anybody that said anything said it was a killer kilt. But I knew the truth and it was amazing. I so want to do it again and I want to go out dressed further. I need to for myself.

I'm slowly overcoming my fears of being trans and being open about it. I cannot say enough about the support my wife has given me. She has given me a strength and confidence in myself I never knew I had. She encourages me to be myself and she knows my true self. So much so she has me in her phone contacts listed with my female name. I love her so much.

So life continues on. I have many goals in life right now but the biggest one is that one day I can truly call myself a woman. And I at least think I'm on the right path to that.

P.S. To Dee
Sorry for the late reply. But I did not get to see Slayer on their retirement tour. I wanted to but couldn't afford it at the time. But I've seen Slayer so many times it's okay. Seen Behemoth around 10 times, they are killer live. Once got covered in fake blood at a Behemoth show. So cool. Thanks for checking up on me. Stay metal sister \m/

Checking In; It's Been A Long While

It's been a long time since I wrote my thoughts down. I need to since my life has gone through major changes and will most likely continue to do so from here on out.

First off I have gotten married. She is my best friend and I spent every second of every day that I can with her. We do everything together and are inseparable. I love her with all my heart. We now even own a house together and 5 pets. She is my everything.

Secondly, and this was a big one for me, I came out to her as being transgender. The huge shocker for me was that she completely accepted that about me. She explained to me that she fell in love with me and who I am and if this is who I am I should never have been afraid to tell her. She is happy though that I did tell her (she said she suspected something like this all along, she was just waiting for me to tell her) because she now gets to know more of the true person that I am. And honestly I think we have become closer since I told her.

The third and last thing I'm going to say right now is that I have come to a decision on a major life changing thing. I talked it over with my wife and she is supportive of it. I have decided that I need to transition. And it is through her love and support that I came to that decision. I do not know when it will happen or begin but it will happen some how some way. She told me that she sees that I am happier being more of my true self around her and she always noticed my feminine traits and they have always stood out. "That's not a bad thing, it's just who you are," she said.

I think we truly cannot be happy in life until we know who we truly are and become that person. I may not have the body to match but I am becoming the person I truly am in life, at least to my wife right now. And that is bringing more happiness into my life.

Writing Again

It feels good to write again. I think sharing my thoughts will help me through this stage of my life. I still can't believe that I have fallen in love and was even brave enough to ask for her hand in marriage. What I can't believe even more is that I am opening up to her more and more the side of me that is Isobelle.

She seems very understanding and accepting so far. She even caught me wearing her panties the other day and did not freak out. I explained that I have a curiosity but I did not tell her the whole truth. I've been slowly letting on to that.

And I do think she suspects something. Who could blame her. After all it wasn't long after we were together that I did tell her about my curiosity in how the other gender has sex. She suprized me though by saying we should get me some anal beads. She said that was the best way she could help me experience sex as a woman.

It only fueled my curiosity more. It only made me want to experience sex as a woman even more. I so envy her. I want to know what its like for someone to be inside of me. Often during sex I visualize myself as her. My man on top, my breasts bouncing up and down, his every attention given to bringing me pleasure.

I struggle because I love her but can't bring myself to fully come out to her. I know that I must and have come close several times. It is hard.

Checking In

So it has been nearly two years since I have wrote anything. I guess a lot has happened in that time. And I guess a lot has happened recently that has inspired me to write again.

I guess the biggest thing on my mind currently is the fact that I'm getting married later this year. I never imagined myself ever reaching this point in life. I never thought I would find a person in my life that I would want to say, "yes I want to be with you for the rest of my life." But yet at the same time I question myself if this is the right thing to do.

I met her nearly two years ago and she has been a person that really changed my life. She has become  my best friend. She gave me a reason to live for and saved me from a destructive path that I was going down. And for a time this side of me was gone. But it has came back. Just like I always said, it will never go away. I thought maybe it would, but it did not. I struggle every day to wake up and be "the man" the world and my loved ones see me as.

The part of me that is Isobelle has come back. But I'm not sure if "part of me" is the right term. I wonder more and more if "is me" is the right term.

Transgender Metalhead

So I was going thought this blog and my posts and I came across this. It was something I never posted, but I read over it and wondered why I never did post it. I wrote this around 2 years ago but I still feel the same way. So here it is:


I would like to take this post and talk about something I've been pondering lately. I make no secret about my love and devotion to heavy metal. However this overall genre of music is inherently masculine in almost every way. This is an interesting thought to me because here I am in the middle of a search to find out just who I am and at this point I feel that person is female in nature, yet I still listen, love, and on some levels even worship a form of music that is masculine in nature. Does this make sense to you at this point? I know I went, "Woah, wait a minute! I gotta sit and think about this and try to understand just what is going on here." And so this post.

Just by observation, heavy metal is a testosterone driven form of music. Especially the more extreme sub-genres like death metal and thrash, both of which are my most favorite. If you have ever been to a metal show or concert you know exactly what I mean. The majority of the fans are male. The energy radiating from the band and crowd is very primordial. Primitive male instincts and attitudes are commonplace. The music is often aggressive, harsh, or as I have heard some say, "it kicks you in the balls." The lyrical themes are often about being tough, death, violence, anger, or lashing out at society. Things I would say are typically associated with the male gender. These themes and musical vibe directly influence the "dances" of choice by metal fans across the globe. Headbanging and mosh pits.

Everything I just stated embodies most everything that I love about this music. So how the hell is it that I can love being around something so masculine and love participating in it actively and be transgender and have serious concerns that I am not really male on the inside? Right now I'm scratching my head. So I'm going to attempt to explain this.

First of all, even though the testosterone may be flowing through me when I'm "rocking out" or at a concert, I do not get a sense of feeling of being ultra masculine. In fact in that state I would say that I have no feeling of a specific gender at all. I do get lost in the music. I find myself headbanging to the music and I love mosh pits. However I view these acts as more a release of energy as opposed to some primitive male behavior. When I am in a mosh pit I just bounce around, run around, and slam off others in the pit. I come away smiling and feeling good because I had fun. I do not pick fights, I don't kick or punch. I hate when others do that.

The lyrical content. I love the lyrical content. I feel it fits the tone and vibe of the music. I love the lyrics that lash out against society. To me they make so much sense and I can relate to many of them. The anger influenced lyrics are typically responses to things in life that upset us or people that get on our nerves and so on. They are methods to vent, to blow off steam. (Much like my last post. lol) The lyrics about death or violence are things you would often find in horror films. I am not a very big fan of horror films as I find many of them gross and too over the top. With this in mind I will just typically pay more attention to the music itself and view the vocals as more of an ambient, aesthetic addition to the music. Although sometimes lyrics about death relate to thoughts of suicide and our own mortality as humans. In these cases I find the lyrics quite interesting and often times learning a great deal about this thing called life that we all live. As for the anti-religious or even satanic type lyrics, I do listen to them and I consider them part of the "lashing out at society" lyrical themes.

So far I feel I'm not bringing anything new or revolutionary to my thought process. Afterall I've been defending this music since I was 13. I guess there's just something in it that attracts me to it. It has nothing to do with the music being masculine in nature nor do I feel I am attracted to it because I was searching to be masculine because I did not know how. I love this music because I love it. It's like trying to explain why I love vanilla ice cream over chocolate ice cream. There is no reason why other that it just is that way.

If you really pull back the layers and look more deeply, sex and gender have nothing to do with the reasons as to why a person would love heavy metal. There are many, many female metalheads out there, and by no means would I or anybody else out there see them as masculine in any way. They just happen to love a music where the majority of the fan base is male. I think it would be this point, if any, that can at least somewhat explain how a transgender person such as myself can love a music that is perceived as a masculine form of music.

In This Moment

So I just got home and I feel like writing a little bit. I suppose its because of the feelings I had tonight. I got to see a pretty awesome band again, In This Moment. I've seen them two times prior, but lately their music has just gotten so much better. But what really got my attention the most was their singer Maria Brink. She was just so sensual on stage, so sexy (not to mention she was dressed in latex lol). As I watched her I had a very deep attraction to her. Not in a sexual way, but in a way that I wanted to be her. To have her voice, her body, her position of power of fronting a band, to wear what she got to wear... These feelings flooded me as I watched their set.

A picture I took tonight. I just feel so weird being at show or something and being around my friends and the attraction they have for women is not the same as my own. Physically we are both males but mentally we are entirely different.

And although those feelings were hard to deal with (especially while being at a show surrounded by thousands of people), the past month or so has been quite awesome musically. I went to Mayhem Fest and got see Rob Zombie, The Butcher Babies (that was another hard one with similar feelings that I had with In This Moment), Amon Amarth, Emmure, Five Finger Death Punch, and one of my all time favs, Machine Head! Tonight I saw In This Moment, Papa Roach, and Shinedown. And just two weeks ago I got to once again see a person who I feel has been the biggest influence on me musically (aside from maybe James Hetfield of Metallica), Max Cavalera. Seeing Soulfly again was just amazing (made more awesome by seeing them in a small local venue that I myself have played on around ten times), and then seeing them play some of my favorite Sepultura songs was beyond exciting! If anybody out there knows what I'm talking about, seeing Max belt out Refuse/Resist, Arise, Dead Embryonic Cells, and Roots Bloody Roots, is enough to make you wet!

But I revert back to In This Moment currently because they are on my mind. I would so love to be her. And so glad that they played this song...

An Update

Hey all out there in blog-land. I just want to let all of you know (at least those who are interested or who have followed me in the past), that I am fine and doing alright. My absence was brought on by several personal issues that I needed to deal with and my attention was focused on them. Mainly the illness and passing of my mother several months back. That was very hard for me because I looked up to her and her very being gave me much of my strength. She was a person who was a very instrumental part of my life, and to see what she went though, and then to lose her, was a great blow to me. If you have ever had a loved one go through cancer, you know how I feel. Fortunately I have several very good friends who stood by my side through it all, and it was because of their love and care that I had the strength to weather this storm.

I am not gone, I have not forgotten about the online tg community, and I certainly have not changed any of my thoughts on my true self in life (that of a woman and not of a man). I have just found it hard to express myself, perhaps a writers block if you will, over the past several months. I have been trying to get over it, but I make no promises. Although I do miss being apart of things.

In the end, life will find a way. That is my hope for now.

Family Can Be Cruel

It is very true, and especially so after spending the evening with my family.

All in all in was a very nice evening. Spending time with family for the Easter holiday is always nice. We went out to dinner then went back to my parents house to spend time together. As we all sat in the living room, someone turned the TV on and then it was decided that we would all play a game. What game is irrelevant, it is what was on the TV that this is all about.

Now we left the TV on, as background noise, but I was glad it was left on. The channel was on ABC and 20/20 had just started. Now normally I really don't care about what's on TV and have only seen 20/20 maybe a handful of times in my life, but tonight I wanted to see it. Tonight they were airing the interview with that trans woman from Canada who was banned from the beauty pageant. Because it related to me in some way, I just wanted to see it. I felt I had to.

So as the game went on, I payed attention to and got involved in it, but the majority of my attention was to the television. Now at some point, someone I forget who (because of what was said following), pointed out what was going on on TV. They said they remembered hearing about her and quickly most everyone else recognized the story as well. It was at this point I had hope. Hoping that something nice, compassionate, or open-minded would have come out of somebody's mouth. That hope was short lived.

Everybody in the room either made fun of her, said she was gross, or that she was wrong, or laughed at her, or said she deserves not to be able to compete, or said she's not a real woman, and so on and so on. I was completely ashamed of my family. I just sat there in silence as I felt my heart sink. I wanted to cry, I really did. Perhaps I should have said something in her defense, but I didn't. I felt very outnumbered with all the close-mindedness in the room. Like I said, I wanted to cry. I was hurt at their reactions.

People can be very cruel indeed.

March Update

It has been sometime since I posted an update here, feels like forever ago to me. I guess maybe that's because the last few months have been very stressful. That stress doesn't seem to want to stop.

Just recently I lost my job. It was very hard on me because in the end people who I thought were my friends turned out not be as they stabbed me and everybody else they could in the back. It was very emotional for me because this was a person that for 5 years I considered a good friend. I guess hard times bring out who a person truly is. We were all losing our jobs because the place was closing, but to stab your friend in the back... I don't understand it, but I know it hurts to lose a friend like that.

There were lots of difficult times in dealing with my mother the past few months, but thankfully she is better now. It is a relief to know that is behind me, that my family and I can move forward from these past 6 months of hell.

I am trying to make more things in my life positive though. I've been focusing more on music. For the first time in my life I joined a local band. It is such a positive experience for me, it is awesome. Maybe this is the positive push I need to get my life going.

------ Changing the Subject -----

Something interesting I was thinking the other day. I was playing Mass Effect 3 (paid for on a pre-order way before I found out I was losing my job :P ), and I began thinking about that reality in which the game takes place. In case you were wondering, yes, I was playing as a female character. But I was thinking, this game takes place in the future, a future with super advanced medical capabilities, a future where you can rebuild a person with cybernetic implants, a future where rapid cloning is available, a future where DNA could be re-written, a future where pretty much anything could be possible. I began to wonder what it would be like to be a trans person in this time.

It would seem like an amazing time to be alive (aside from the obvious Reaper invasion of course lol). I mean I can only imagine that if one were trans during this time that they would be able to transition into the body they wish they always had. And every bit of their new sex would function just as if they were born with those features. How awesome would that be?

Just a thought and a little bit of fantasizing on my part.

2012: Not off to a Good Start at All

Well as the the title suggests, 2012 is not starting off very well for me. It seems like whenever I start getting a plan together or things start to look up it all comes crashing down. It feels like my life is forever doomed to be on a downward spiral.

Just days before the new year I found out I will be losing my job. The company I work for has decided to close the location where I work and eliminate all the employees. This kind of pain I've never felt before. It is a pain surrounded by hopelessness, despair, animosity, fear, anger, hate, and the feeling of betrayal because that which you were loyal to has turned it's back on you.

In my twisted view of the world I see this as corporate greed at its finest. Instead of getting rid of the ones up top killing the company, they get rid of the ones hard at work keeping it alive. I'll never understand big business and how they can value money over people.

So once again my life has been thrown off path. Although at this point it might be safe to say I've long since been off path, lost in the woods trying to get back.

All I want from life is to be myself in all I do and to chase my dreams. I don't think that's too much to ask for, too much to want. I guess maybe it is because anytime I even try to strive for either one I get cut down and set back.

December 2011 Update

Life is... Hmm... I really can't pick one adjective to describe life right now although chaotic might be the closest.

Since my last post, some things with my mother appear to be improving while others seem to be getting worse. It has been a very hard time. To see a loved one go through the pain and suffering is very agonizing, and to know you really can't do anything, it just tears at your soul, your very being. I am very fortunate to have the good friends that I do, they have been such wonderful human beings through all of this. They call and text all the time to just check up and see how things are going. We hang out a lot more, to take my mind off of this, if for only a brief time.

A friend of mine lost his father to lung cancer last month. That really hit me deep even though I did not know his father. I really don't know what to make of things regarding this situation, I'm just going day by day.

Despite this, other issues in my life have not slowed down at all. The gender issue is still growing within me. Ever since I figured out that I think this is what's been going on with me my whole life and accepted this, this issue has really taken over my whole being. I can't go a day, even an hour, without some thought, some feeling about how I don't feel right as a male and would feel better as a female.

Maybe it is because the stressful time already going on around me, but the last month or so has really been tough for me with the gender issue. It feels like it has been amplified within. The feelings are stronger and the thoughts more clear. Emotionally I feel like a wreck. I get a lot of people asking me "Are you alright? What's wrong?" I usually just tell them "Nothing. I'm just tired." Truth be told, I am tired. I have not got much sleep the past month. Starbucks has become a really good friend of mine lol.

But it is not as grim as I'm making it out to be, at least I don't think so. I'm trying to come up with plans, courses of action, roads to take. Right now I kinda feel like the only way to solve some issues and be happy in life is to transition. I don't know how I would do it, or even how I would pay for it, but that's why I'm trying to figure things out. This is the most serious I've ever been about this. In my heart and soul I am a woman, hopefully someday I won't have to cage myself inside this exterior male prison.

A Somber Update

There are some things that are beyond our control in life. Those are the things we leave to God. I am not a religious person in life, but I do believe in a few things.

The next few months are probably going to be pretty rough for me and the rest of my family. My mother is not doing well. My emotions are all over the place right now. I am still at a loss for words for everything that has happened over the past couple of weeks and the news and updates that were received.

I don't know what the future holds from here, but certainly everything has changed course.

Life Of Agony

I want to apologize to anyone whom I normally chat with online and everybody else that I usually at least say hi to. I know I have not been around at all. For that I am sorry. Dealing with life and figuring out just how the hell this whole TG thing works with it has been really, really fucking hard lately.

Until a few weeks ago I had not been dwelling much on the TG issue. When I was online, I really didn't go near anything dealing with it either. Life, work, searching for a better job, friends, video games, and as always, music have been keeping my mind occupied. It was nice because for a couple months there I was actually starting to think that I was actually kinda happy with my life. I was down a lot less and there didn't seem to be as much pain in my life during this time. It was nice, but like a stone thrown into a glass house, it all shattered. Everything was just a false facade, a veil covering my eyes, hiding me from what really is. In a way, everything going on around me was like a painkiller numbing me. I knew it was there, the TG thing, it just wasn't bothering me as much.

I don't know if all that was a good thing or bad thing. Over the past couple of months, like I mentioned, my mind has not been on the TG issue much at all. That being said I have not dressed during that time either. I don't know why, I just did not have the urge to I guess. A few weeks ago, all the emotions, all the pain, the depressed moods, they all came flooding back. It was almost overwhelming to go from a time of almost at peace to turmoil and turbulence overnight.

It will always be there and it will never go away.

The mind is a fucked up thing. It really is. Like I'm really starting to believe that the reason why I feel like my life is a failure, that it's so messed up, so fucked up, is because the whole TG thing. Because I don't feel right in my own skin. I never have. All the insecurities I have, the lack of confidence in myself, the inadequacies (both sexual and non-sexual) I feel as a male, all of it I feel are because the sex of my body doesn't match the gender of my mind. At least that seems like the most logical explanation that my mind agrees upon.

But I really do think that is the truth. What else could explain the pain and jealousy I feel when I see a woman? What else could explain everything else that I feel? I really don't think anything else could explain it. The bad part is that because of all this, I have to live a life of pain. Pain that haunts me nearly everyday...

Sometimes I just feel like running away and starting my life over someplace far away. But where would I go? How would I get there? How could I just pick up and leave behind all those around me that I love? How would I survive once I got there? I don't think I would ever run away, but dammit it sure sounds like a good solution.

My situation in life right now prevents me from doing anything. And that really fucking sucks. The longer this goes on, the more the pain grows. I don't think I'm scared to do anything. No. I just don't want to burden those I live with with this. Yes I know sometimes we just have to do things for ourselves, but I guess I care too much for them to fuck up their perspective of me right now. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this though.

I keep searching for a way out, for a way to make my life better. I think though because of all the issues I have, it makes it harder. Countless job interviews that have resulted in nothing. The search becomes even harder when the light at the end of tunnel seems to be drifting further and further away. That leaves a scary thought in my head. What if the pain and despair get so bad and overwhelming that I end it all? It is scary to think about, and sometimes I do think about it, but I never want that to happen. Never.

The positive side is that I feel as long as I keep my faith in music that unfortunate end will never happen. I don't think I've ever mentioned it in this blog but music is the reason why I'm still alive. I've had bad times in my past and the only thing that kept me going was music. It gives me the strength to face another day. It has always been there for me. I won't call it a solution or cure, not by any means, but more of a tool, a method, to help cope with life.

Over the weekend I did see five bands whose music I have turned to for a long time now for strength. I would rank it as one of the greatest nights in all my life. I can't really describe how I felt other than "alive". Their music gives me so much energy, so much positive energy. Nothing else in life mattered other than the music entering my ears and seeing bands that I idolize play. It was amazing to see Machine Head, Megadeth, Hatebreed, Godsmack, and Disturbed all in the same day. (Yes, Mayhem Fest for anybody wondering.) The odd thing though, the TG thing didn't go away. I still had it in mind when I was at the show. (Women love to dress scantily at metal shows, kinda hard to miss them too.) But there was really no pain. I was so happy to be around the music that the only response, only thought I had was: "Man, I'd love to be like that and be able to dress like that and come to a show like this!" That was it. It was a happy thought about the desire to be a woman. And it was because of the music.

I just wish my everyday life was half as happy as that day was. I know the possible solution, but I can't figure out how to get there. The weekend was the peak of the emotional roller coaster, back to the downward trip until the next up. Life sucks this way.

Negative Environments, I Don't Need Them

Well I thought about this one before I posted it because I wasn't sure if I should post it or not. But I am going to post it after taking the time and cooling off.

Basically I was chatting with another TG person last night, a person who I've talked with before. It never really became very personal talk, but I think more generalistic in nature about the things we are both going through. This person has began to transition and is on HRT.

When we first met I thought this would be another great opportunity to talk with someone experiencing something in life similar to what I am experiencing. But the more I talked and the more messages shared, the more I thought this person was rather odd. Not that odd is bad, but to me this odd didn't mix well with the odd that I am. But that was fine, we still messaged each other on occasion.

But really things went south for me over the last couple of weeks, culminating with last night. What happened was this person was saying that my way of going about dealing with being TG and my decisions to wait until I have better handle on the rest of my life was utter bullshit and said that I am just stupid and afraid and that I will regret this later in life. No words of optimism, understanding, positive advice, or encouragement were spoken to me. According to this person I am full of bullshit and that I need to stop lying to myself and denying myself.

Well I'm never talking to this person ever again. I don't need negative in a time when positive helps the most. I think the way I am dealing with everything is in the best interest for myself at the current time. I am not going to do anything towards transition right now because it would be too stressful and I have a very high percentage of setting myself up to fail not only at that, but at life as well. I feel I am being smart and waiting until my life conditions are more favorable and will allow for a greater chance of success. I don't see how that is bullshit in any way nor do I see how I will regret anything when I'm trying to make it so I don't have regrets.

It is my life and I am going to live it how I want, when I want. I am being true to myself and there is nothing unrealistic about that.

Going Nowhere Sounds About Right

Life sure is an interesting beast. You never know quite what to expect, however more often than not you get what you didn't really want. That seems to be the common theme in my life story so far. I cannot say that where my life is at right now is where I wanted it to be. Every time I've tried to change it or get out life seems to throw me a curve ball or plow me straight into a wall and I'm stuck back at where I started.

I've been looking for months now for a better job opportunity. Nothing. I've been on several interviews but nothing came of them. It's so frustrating and depressing to know where I want to take my life but I can't get there. Sure there are plenty of minimum wage, part time jobs available, but I already have that. Why would I trade one shitty job for another?

I sometimes wish I could go back and tell myself not to follow what everybody thought I should do and what I would be the best at. Yes I did go to college for a field that I was intelligent enough to master, but I did not like it. I found out the hard way that you can be smart enough to do something, but if you don't enjoy it you will fail at it. But there's no sense in living in the past. So I've been trying to take what I have and what I've learned and try and do something with that.

It is so hard and painful to have dreams and aspirations for life when you can't do anything to move towards them. I feel I'm at a time in my life where I am ready to move on but the road is blocked. Maybe I'll have to just find a way around, but so far I can't figure that out either.

I often get asked why I'm so negative. The truth is, that's all I know. Yes there is some happiness in my life, but not enough to change my overall mood. Besides, I feel it is better that I get the negativity out instead of keeping it inside and letting it fester into bigger and worse things.

I find happiness in my friends, music, and my dreams. Although the happiness in my dreams is often followed by pain and sadness. I've been really trying to avoid dwelling on my hopes and dreams for long because I've been crashing hard from them recently. I've even been avoiding dressing. More and more, every time I dress, I just have this feeling in my heart of rightness. I see myself and I think I don't look too bad, I like what I see and there are even thoughts that "Hey, I look kinda sexy as a woman." I've been accepting my body for what it is and what can be done with it. Sure it will not be perfect supermodel dimensions, but more average, and I'm fine with that. For some reason I'm more comfortable knowing that information than I have ever been with my male body. Still it brings sadness and pain. Later on, having the memories of what I looked like, how it felt, and knowing that it can only be temporary for now, really hurts.

Rambling On

I really wish I could win the Powerball or something. I have so many dreams, so many things I want to do and see, so many things I want to listen to live and with my own ears, and there are countless things I would love to purchase and call my own. Unfortunately all these things cost money, everything costs money.

Who ever said money can't buy happiness was full of shit.

There is this club downtown that I would go to nearly every night of the week if I could afford to. There are so many amazing bands that play there, so many I'd love to see and to see again. I would love to travel the world and see all that my eyes can take in. If I could I would seek out and become my true self and not worry about any social reprocussions, any ostrization, or anything or anyone that would try to keep me down because I would not need them and say "Fuck you! I don't need you, this is who I am dammit!!"

Yeah I dream big. So what? I feel if nobody ever dared to dream big we'd all still be living in caves starting fires with two sticks and going out everyday to hunt our daily meals. We as humans were given the brain power to overcome these rudimentary basics and we have. We evolved and those things are no longer laborus chores. We live in houses, buildings, structures that provide for us. If we want food we just go to the cabinet, open up the refrigerator, use the stove or microwave, or even just pick up the phone and somebody will bring us food.

We as humans have figured the basics of living out so well that we can use much more of our mind power to focus on other issues. I would say the greatest being trying to figure our own selves out. We were given this gift of consciousness, of intelligence, of individuality. We became not just humans, but people.

Unfortunately there are humans out there who are opposed to learning about and discovering all there is to know and do in being human. Wars are started over religions and race. There is no compassion, only hate and misunderstanding. People are driven by greed and their own sense of fucked up morals. If people could see past cultural differences, past skin color, past religion, past gender and sexuality, they would see another human just like themselves.

Our brain power has been both a gift and a curse. We have unlimited potential to do whatever we want but we are held back by greed and prejudice. Hell, we as humans even manage to outright kill most anybody who dares say that we must set aside greed and prejudice and see each other as humans. I can't even imagine what the world would be like if instead of developing ways to kill one another we focused on helping one another.

"So you children of the world

Listen to what I say

If you want a better place to live in

Spread the word today

Show the world that love is still alive

You must be brave

Or you children of today are

Children of the Grave!"

Black Sabbath - Children of the Grave

Blowing Off Steam

I apologize for this post, but I needed to vent.

I was really excited to hear that a forum site had been established with the intent to specifically talk about crossdreaming. I thought this would be a good place to learn, grow, and talk with others about our experiences and such. I was hoping this would be a place of positivity and understanding.

I was dead wrong. The intent is good, unfortunately a few bad eggs spoil the whole thing. At first is seemed good. There were positive people, a couple I've talked with before. My hopes were up at this point because I really thought this would be an interesting site. Nope.

I tried posting a few times only to have nearly everything I said torn apart. Now I've spent nearly my whole life tearing apart my own beliefs and ridiculing myself, I don't need somebody else doing that as well to me. I understand that to have your ideas and beliefs tested is the best way for you to really see if you agree with them or not, but I don't need it on that level. I can understand a friendly challenge or disagreement, but trying to cut down what I'm saying is not necessary and it sure doesn't help at all.

Maybe I'm overreacting, maybe I just don't understand people. Maybe trying to take everything I've been dealt in life and make it as positive as I can is wrong in some way. Maybe I should never have thought that there are indeed decent and nice people out there. Maybe I never should have opened myself up. Maybe I never should have thought I could have a constructive conversation about a controversial subject.

Honestly I don't fucking care. Why should I? I try to be nice. I try to get along. I try my damnedest to be accepting of people and see their viewpoints. What happens? I usually meet an asshole somewhere that only cares for themselves and gets off on making others feel like shit.

You can call me a quitter, a whiner, whatever you can think of. I've heard them all. You won't hurt my feelings. I am not going back to that site though. At least not until the overall atmosphere is that of a positive one and people there learn to respect the beliefs of others and not bash everything that is said with false contradictions.

I choose not to associate myself with negativity on a subject that I am trying so very hard to figure out and live with in a way that will bring happiness to my life.

From the Heart

Have you ever just laid on your bed and just stared up at the ceiling? Whenever I do I begin to think, very heavy thoughts too. I had this happen today, but there is a little bit of a story involved.

I found myself with time alone today. When this happens usually one or two or both always happen. Playing music loudly and/or dressing. I chose the later today. I just need it, needed that "me" time. It made me very happy, as it usually does, and I enjoyed every minute of it. After a while I noticed the time and decided it was time to go back to the boring world of male clothes as my alone time would not be alone for much longer.

So as I sat down on the edge of the bed to change, I just leaned back and found myself lying down staring up at the ceiling. My mind began to wander as all of the feelings my body was experiencing by the clothes on my body culminated into one thought. One clear vision. "I want to stay like this for the rest of my life." I looked down at myself, the clothes I had on, then back up at the ceiling. I was thinking again.

This is what truly makes me happy, to be a woman. I want to dress in these clothes and have my body match that form. There was no sexual drive or sexual thoughts influencing this. No. The only thing I could equate this to is a need to express myself as the form and in the form that brings me the most joy from life. That form I believe is my true identity, my core identity, my true self. I felt this in my heart.

As I continued to stare up, I started to think, "Well, what is next then?" I have to do something, I cannot be idle about this. I really, really want to transition. I have to figure out how to make it work. This is not coming from my mind, my sexual desires, or any of that. This is coming from the one place that counts the most, my heart. In my heart I know I am beautiful woman begging to be let out into the world.

Days like today make me just want to say "Fuck everything! I don't care about the social reprocussions, the potential loss of relationships or anything. I just want to be me! I have to be me." The reality in this is that I know the path my heart wants to take. It is probably just a matter of time before the rest of me wants nothing else than to go on this path as well.

Small Update and a Poem

I apologize for the lack of updates. It's just that nothing really has happened or been happening that is worth writing about. I have still yet to find a suitable job so that I may continue on my journey. I just can't really do anything on the money that I do make, and that includes things I love doing like going to concerts. Unfortunately the job market where I live just plain sucks. So yeah...

I have began to make captions again. I felt inspired to write again. Plus I wanted to at least get some together for the two year anniversary of my caption blog at the end of the month. Not only does it mark two years since the blog began, but also two years since I really opened myself up to the online TG community. This month really marks two years since I started on this journey of self discovery. Two years seems like a long time, but I know I am far from the end of the road. I have learned a lot and I will continue to learn even more.

I would like to share this poem I wrote. It is about the music I love and it gives a glimpse as to why I dedicate so much of my life to it.

Ode to Metal

Dear Heavy Metal,

You are my savior and redeemer

My release and my healer

You give me strength when I am weak

Save me when I am bleak

My darkest demons you reveal

My deepest secrets you conceal

For everything I am, you said I was not alone

In you I found a home

You showed me a better way than suicide

From your very words I cried

You taught me morals and individuality

In you, I found me

You gave me a life when I had none

For this I will follow you until my days are done