Going Nowhere Sounds About Right

Life sure is an interesting beast. You never know quite what to expect, however more often than not you get what you didn't really want. That seems to be the common theme in my life story so far. I cannot say that where my life is at right now is where I wanted it to be. Every time I've tried to change it or get out life seems to throw me a curve ball or plow me straight into a wall and I'm stuck back at where I started.

I've been looking for months now for a better job opportunity. Nothing. I've been on several interviews but nothing came of them. It's so frustrating and depressing to know where I want to take my life but I can't get there. Sure there are plenty of minimum wage, part time jobs available, but I already have that. Why would I trade one shitty job for another?

I sometimes wish I could go back and tell myself not to follow what everybody thought I should do and what I would be the best at. Yes I did go to college for a field that I was intelligent enough to master, but I did not like it. I found out the hard way that you can be smart enough to do something, but if you don't enjoy it you will fail at it. But there's no sense in living in the past. So I've been trying to take what I have and what I've learned and try and do something with that.

It is so hard and painful to have dreams and aspirations for life when you can't do anything to move towards them. I feel I'm at a time in my life where I am ready to move on but the road is blocked. Maybe I'll have to just find a way around, but so far I can't figure that out either.

I often get asked why I'm so negative. The truth is, that's all I know. Yes there is some happiness in my life, but not enough to change my overall mood. Besides, I feel it is better that I get the negativity out instead of keeping it inside and letting it fester into bigger and worse things.

I find happiness in my friends, music, and my dreams. Although the happiness in my dreams is often followed by pain and sadness. I've been really trying to avoid dwelling on my hopes and dreams for long because I've been crashing hard from them recently. I've even been avoiding dressing. More and more, every time I dress, I just have this feeling in my heart of rightness. I see myself and I think I don't look too bad, I like what I see and there are even thoughts that "Hey, I look kinda sexy as a woman." I've been accepting my body for what it is and what can be done with it. Sure it will not be perfect supermodel dimensions, but more average, and I'm fine with that. For some reason I'm more comfortable knowing that information than I have ever been with my male body. Still it brings sadness and pain. Later on, having the memories of what I looked like, how it felt, and knowing that it can only be temporary for now, really hurts.