2012: Not off to a Good Start at All

Well as the the title suggests, 2012 is not starting off very well for me. It seems like whenever I start getting a plan together or things start to look up it all comes crashing down. It feels like my life is forever doomed to be on a downward spiral.

Just days before the new year I found out I will be losing my job. The company I work for has decided to close the location where I work and eliminate all the employees. This kind of pain I've never felt before. It is a pain surrounded by hopelessness, despair, animosity, fear, anger, hate, and the feeling of betrayal because that which you were loyal to has turned it's back on you.

In my twisted view of the world I see this as corporate greed at its finest. Instead of getting rid of the ones up top killing the company, they get rid of the ones hard at work keeping it alive. I'll never understand big business and how they can value money over people.

So once again my life has been thrown off path. Although at this point it might be safe to say I've long since been off path, lost in the woods trying to get back.

All I want from life is to be myself in all I do and to chase my dreams. I don't think that's too much to ask for, too much to want. I guess maybe it is because anytime I even try to strive for either one I get cut down and set back.

December 2011 Update

Life is... Hmm... I really can't pick one adjective to describe life right now although chaotic might be the closest.

Since my last post, some things with my mother appear to be improving while others seem to be getting worse. It has been a very hard time. To see a loved one go through the pain and suffering is very agonizing, and to know you really can't do anything, it just tears at your soul, your very being. I am very fortunate to have the good friends that I do, they have been such wonderful human beings through all of this. They call and text all the time to just check up and see how things are going. We hang out a lot more, to take my mind off of this, if for only a brief time.

A friend of mine lost his father to lung cancer last month. That really hit me deep even though I did not know his father. I really don't know what to make of things regarding this situation, I'm just going day by day.

Despite this, other issues in my life have not slowed down at all. The gender issue is still growing within me. Ever since I figured out that I think this is what's been going on with me my whole life and accepted this, this issue has really taken over my whole being. I can't go a day, even an hour, without some thought, some feeling about how I don't feel right as a male and would feel better as a female.

Maybe it is because the stressful time already going on around me, but the last month or so has really been tough for me with the gender issue. It feels like it has been amplified within. The feelings are stronger and the thoughts more clear. Emotionally I feel like a wreck. I get a lot of people asking me "Are you alright? What's wrong?" I usually just tell them "Nothing. I'm just tired." Truth be told, I am tired. I have not got much sleep the past month. Starbucks has become a really good friend of mine lol.

But it is not as grim as I'm making it out to be, at least I don't think so. I'm trying to come up with plans, courses of action, roads to take. Right now I kinda feel like the only way to solve some issues and be happy in life is to transition. I don't know how I would do it, or even how I would pay for it, but that's why I'm trying to figure things out. This is the most serious I've ever been about this. In my heart and soul I am a woman, hopefully someday I won't have to cage myself inside this exterior male prison.

A Somber Update

There are some things that are beyond our control in life. Those are the things we leave to God. I am not a religious person in life, but I do believe in a few things.

The next few months are probably going to be pretty rough for me and the rest of my family. My mother is not doing well. My emotions are all over the place right now. I am still at a loss for words for everything that has happened over the past couple of weeks and the news and updates that were received.

I don't know what the future holds from here, but certainly everything has changed course.

Life Of Agony

I want to apologize to anyone whom I normally chat with online and everybody else that I usually at least say hi to. I know I have not been around at all. For that I am sorry. Dealing with life and figuring out just how the hell this whole TG thing works with it has been really, really fucking hard lately.

Until a few weeks ago I had not been dwelling much on the TG issue. When I was online, I really didn't go near anything dealing with it either. Life, work, searching for a better job, friends, video games, and as always, music have been keeping my mind occupied. It was nice because for a couple months there I was actually starting to think that I was actually kinda happy with my life. I was down a lot less and there didn't seem to be as much pain in my life during this time. It was nice, but like a stone thrown into a glass house, it all shattered. Everything was just a false facade, a veil covering my eyes, hiding me from what really is. In a way, everything going on around me was like a painkiller numbing me. I knew it was there, the TG thing, it just wasn't bothering me as much.

I don't know if all that was a good thing or bad thing. Over the past couple of months, like I mentioned, my mind has not been on the TG issue much at all. That being said I have not dressed during that time either. I don't know why, I just did not have the urge to I guess. A few weeks ago, all the emotions, all the pain, the depressed moods, they all came flooding back. It was almost overwhelming to go from a time of almost at peace to turmoil and turbulence overnight.

It will always be there and it will never go away.

The mind is a fucked up thing. It really is. Like I'm really starting to believe that the reason why I feel like my life is a failure, that it's so messed up, so fucked up, is because the whole TG thing. Because I don't feel right in my own skin. I never have. All the insecurities I have, the lack of confidence in myself, the inadequacies (both sexual and non-sexual) I feel as a male, all of it I feel are because the sex of my body doesn't match the gender of my mind. At least that seems like the most logical explanation that my mind agrees upon.

But I really do think that is the truth. What else could explain the pain and jealousy I feel when I see a woman? What else could explain everything else that I feel? I really don't think anything else could explain it. The bad part is that because of all this, I have to live a life of pain. Pain that haunts me nearly everyday...

Sometimes I just feel like running away and starting my life over someplace far away. But where would I go? How would I get there? How could I just pick up and leave behind all those around me that I love? How would I survive once I got there? I don't think I would ever run away, but dammit it sure sounds like a good solution.

My situation in life right now prevents me from doing anything. And that really fucking sucks. The longer this goes on, the more the pain grows. I don't think I'm scared to do anything. No. I just don't want to burden those I live with with this. Yes I know sometimes we just have to do things for ourselves, but I guess I care too much for them to fuck up their perspective of me right now. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this though.

I keep searching for a way out, for a way to make my life better. I think though because of all the issues I have, it makes it harder. Countless job interviews that have resulted in nothing. The search becomes even harder when the light at the end of tunnel seems to be drifting further and further away. That leaves a scary thought in my head. What if the pain and despair get so bad and overwhelming that I end it all? It is scary to think about, and sometimes I do think about it, but I never want that to happen. Never.

The positive side is that I feel as long as I keep my faith in music that unfortunate end will never happen. I don't think I've ever mentioned it in this blog but music is the reason why I'm still alive. I've had bad times in my past and the only thing that kept me going was music. It gives me the strength to face another day. It has always been there for me. I won't call it a solution or cure, not by any means, but more of a tool, a method, to help cope with life.

Over the weekend I did see five bands whose music I have turned to for a long time now for strength. I would rank it as one of the greatest nights in all my life. I can't really describe how I felt other than "alive". Their music gives me so much energy, so much positive energy. Nothing else in life mattered other than the music entering my ears and seeing bands that I idolize play. It was amazing to see Machine Head, Megadeth, Hatebreed, Godsmack, and Disturbed all in the same day. (Yes, Mayhem Fest for anybody wondering.) The odd thing though, the TG thing didn't go away. I still had it in mind when I was at the show. (Women love to dress scantily at metal shows, kinda hard to miss them too.) But there was really no pain. I was so happy to be around the music that the only response, only thought I had was: "Man, I'd love to be like that and be able to dress like that and come to a show like this!" That was it. It was a happy thought about the desire to be a woman. And it was because of the music.

I just wish my everyday life was half as happy as that day was. I know the possible solution, but I can't figure out how to get there. The weekend was the peak of the emotional roller coaster, back to the downward trip until the next up. Life sucks this way.

Negative Environments, I Don't Need Them

Well I thought about this one before I posted it because I wasn't sure if I should post it or not. But I am going to post it after taking the time and cooling off.

Basically I was chatting with another TG person last night, a person who I've talked with before. It never really became very personal talk, but I think more generalistic in nature about the things we are both going through. This person has began to transition and is on HRT.

When we first met I thought this would be another great opportunity to talk with someone experiencing something in life similar to what I am experiencing. But the more I talked and the more messages shared, the more I thought this person was rather odd. Not that odd is bad, but to me this odd didn't mix well with the odd that I am. But that was fine, we still messaged each other on occasion.

But really things went south for me over the last couple of weeks, culminating with last night. What happened was this person was saying that my way of going about dealing with being TG and my decisions to wait until I have better handle on the rest of my life was utter bullshit and said that I am just stupid and afraid and that I will regret this later in life. No words of optimism, understanding, positive advice, or encouragement were spoken to me. According to this person I am full of bullshit and that I need to stop lying to myself and denying myself.

Well I'm never talking to this person ever again. I don't need negative in a time when positive helps the most. I think the way I am dealing with everything is in the best interest for myself at the current time. I am not going to do anything towards transition right now because it would be too stressful and I have a very high percentage of setting myself up to fail not only at that, but at life as well. I feel I am being smart and waiting until my life conditions are more favorable and will allow for a greater chance of success. I don't see how that is bullshit in any way nor do I see how I will regret anything when I'm trying to make it so I don't have regrets.

It is my life and I am going to live it how I want, when I want. I am being true to myself and there is nothing unrealistic about that.

Going Nowhere Sounds About Right

Life sure is an interesting beast. You never know quite what to expect, however more often than not you get what you didn't really want. That seems to be the common theme in my life story so far. I cannot say that where my life is at right now is where I wanted it to be. Every time I've tried to change it or get out life seems to throw me a curve ball or plow me straight into a wall and I'm stuck back at where I started.

I've been looking for months now for a better job opportunity. Nothing. I've been on several interviews but nothing came of them. It's so frustrating and depressing to know where I want to take my life but I can't get there. Sure there are plenty of minimum wage, part time jobs available, but I already have that. Why would I trade one shitty job for another?

I sometimes wish I could go back and tell myself not to follow what everybody thought I should do and what I would be the best at. Yes I did go to college for a field that I was intelligent enough to master, but I did not like it. I found out the hard way that you can be smart enough to do something, but if you don't enjoy it you will fail at it. But there's no sense in living in the past. So I've been trying to take what I have and what I've learned and try and do something with that.

It is so hard and painful to have dreams and aspirations for life when you can't do anything to move towards them. I feel I'm at a time in my life where I am ready to move on but the road is blocked. Maybe I'll have to just find a way around, but so far I can't figure that out either.

I often get asked why I'm so negative. The truth is, that's all I know. Yes there is some happiness in my life, but not enough to change my overall mood. Besides, I feel it is better that I get the negativity out instead of keeping it inside and letting it fester into bigger and worse things.

I find happiness in my friends, music, and my dreams. Although the happiness in my dreams is often followed by pain and sadness. I've been really trying to avoid dwelling on my hopes and dreams for long because I've been crashing hard from them recently. I've even been avoiding dressing. More and more, every time I dress, I just have this feeling in my heart of rightness. I see myself and I think I don't look too bad, I like what I see and there are even thoughts that "Hey, I look kinda sexy as a woman." I've been accepting my body for what it is and what can be done with it. Sure it will not be perfect supermodel dimensions, but more average, and I'm fine with that. For some reason I'm more comfortable knowing that information than I have ever been with my male body. Still it brings sadness and pain. Later on, having the memories of what I looked like, how it felt, and knowing that it can only be temporary for now, really hurts.

Rambling On

I really wish I could win the Powerball or something. I have so many dreams, so many things I want to do and see, so many things I want to listen to live and with my own ears, and there are countless things I would love to purchase and call my own. Unfortunately all these things cost money, everything costs money.

Who ever said money can't buy happiness was full of shit.

There is this club downtown that I would go to nearly every night of the week if I could afford to. There are so many amazing bands that play there, so many I'd love to see and to see again. I would love to travel the world and see all that my eyes can take in. If I could I would seek out and become my true self and not worry about any social reprocussions, any ostrization, or anything or anyone that would try to keep me down because I would not need them and say "Fuck you! I don't need you, this is who I am dammit!!"

Yeah I dream big. So what? I feel if nobody ever dared to dream big we'd all still be living in caves starting fires with two sticks and going out everyday to hunt our daily meals. We as humans were given the brain power to overcome these rudimentary basics and we have. We evolved and those things are no longer laborus chores. We live in houses, buildings, structures that provide for us. If we want food we just go to the cabinet, open up the refrigerator, use the stove or microwave, or even just pick up the phone and somebody will bring us food.

We as humans have figured the basics of living out so well that we can use much more of our mind power to focus on other issues. I would say the greatest being trying to figure our own selves out. We were given this gift of consciousness, of intelligence, of individuality. We became not just humans, but people.

Unfortunately there are humans out there who are opposed to learning about and discovering all there is to know and do in being human. Wars are started over religions and race. There is no compassion, only hate and misunderstanding. People are driven by greed and their own sense of fucked up morals. If people could see past cultural differences, past skin color, past religion, past gender and sexuality, they would see another human just like themselves.

Our brain power has been both a gift and a curse. We have unlimited potential to do whatever we want but we are held back by greed and prejudice. Hell, we as humans even manage to outright kill most anybody who dares say that we must set aside greed and prejudice and see each other as humans. I can't even imagine what the world would be like if instead of developing ways to kill one another we focused on helping one another.

"So you children of the world

Listen to what I say

If you want a better place to live in

Spread the word today

Show the world that love is still alive

You must be brave

Or you children of today are

Children of the Grave!"

Black Sabbath - Children of the Grave