An Update

Hey all out there in blog-land. I just want to let all of you know (at least those who are interested or who have followed me in the past), that I am fine and doing alright. My absence was brought on by several personal issues that I needed to deal with and my attention was focused on them. Mainly the illness and passing of my mother several months back. That was very hard for me because I looked up to her and her very being gave me much of my strength. She was a person who was a very instrumental part of my life, and to see what she went though, and then to lose her, was a great blow to me. If you have ever had a loved one go through cancer, you know how I feel. Fortunately I have several very good friends who stood by my side through it all, and it was because of their love and care that I had the strength to weather this storm.

I am not gone, I have not forgotten about the online tg community, and I certainly have not changed any of my thoughts on my true self in life (that of a woman and not of a man). I have just found it hard to express myself, perhaps a writers block if you will, over the past several months. I have been trying to get over it, but I make no promises. Although I do miss being apart of things.

In the end, life will find a way. That is my hope for now.

Family Can Be Cruel

It is very true, and especially so after spending the evening with my family.

All in all in was a very nice evening. Spending time with family for the Easter holiday is always nice. We went out to dinner then went back to my parents house to spend time together. As we all sat in the living room, someone turned the TV on and then it was decided that we would all play a game. What game is irrelevant, it is what was on the TV that this is all about.

Now we left the TV on, as background noise, but I was glad it was left on. The channel was on ABC and 20/20 had just started. Now normally I really don't care about what's on TV and have only seen 20/20 maybe a handful of times in my life, but tonight I wanted to see it. Tonight they were airing the interview with that trans woman from Canada who was banned from the beauty pageant. Because it related to me in some way, I just wanted to see it. I felt I had to.

So as the game went on, I payed attention to and got involved in it, but the majority of my attention was to the television. Now at some point, someone I forget who (because of what was said following), pointed out what was going on on TV. They said they remembered hearing about her and quickly most everyone else recognized the story as well. It was at this point I had hope. Hoping that something nice, compassionate, or open-minded would have come out of somebody's mouth. That hope was short lived.

Everybody in the room either made fun of her, said she was gross, or that she was wrong, or laughed at her, or said she deserves not to be able to compete, or said she's not a real woman, and so on and so on. I was completely ashamed of my family. I just sat there in silence as I felt my heart sink. I wanted to cry, I really did. Perhaps I should have said something in her defense, but I didn't. I felt very outnumbered with all the close-mindedness in the room. Like I said, I wanted to cry. I was hurt at their reactions.

People can be very cruel indeed.

March Update

It has been sometime since I posted an update here, feels like forever ago to me. I guess maybe that's because the last few months have been very stressful. That stress doesn't seem to want to stop.

Just recently I lost my job. It was very hard on me because in the end people who I thought were my friends turned out not be as they stabbed me and everybody else they could in the back. It was very emotional for me because this was a person that for 5 years I considered a good friend. I guess hard times bring out who a person truly is. We were all losing our jobs because the place was closing, but to stab your friend in the back... I don't understand it, but I know it hurts to lose a friend like that.

There were lots of difficult times in dealing with my mother the past few months, but thankfully she is better now. It is a relief to know that is behind me, that my family and I can move forward from these past 6 months of hell.

I am trying to make more things in my life positive though. I've been focusing more on music. For the first time in my life I joined a local band. It is such a positive experience for me, it is awesome. Maybe this is the positive push I need to get my life going.

------ Changing the Subject -----

Something interesting I was thinking the other day. I was playing Mass Effect 3 (paid for on a pre-order way before I found out I was losing my job :P ), and I began thinking about that reality in which the game takes place. In case you were wondering, yes, I was playing as a female character. But I was thinking, this game takes place in the future, a future with super advanced medical capabilities, a future where you can rebuild a person with cybernetic implants, a future where rapid cloning is available, a future where DNA could be re-written, a future where pretty much anything could be possible. I began to wonder what it would be like to be a trans person in this time.

It would seem like an amazing time to be alive (aside from the obvious Reaper invasion of course lol). I mean I can only imagine that if one were trans during this time that they would be able to transition into the body they wish they always had. And every bit of their new sex would function just as if they were born with those features. How awesome would that be?

Just a thought and a little bit of fantasizing on my part.

2012: Not off to a Good Start at All

Well as the the title suggests, 2012 is not starting off very well for me. It seems like whenever I start getting a plan together or things start to look up it all comes crashing down. It feels like my life is forever doomed to be on a downward spiral.

Just days before the new year I found out I will be losing my job. The company I work for has decided to close the location where I work and eliminate all the employees. This kind of pain I've never felt before. It is a pain surrounded by hopelessness, despair, animosity, fear, anger, hate, and the feeling of betrayal because that which you were loyal to has turned it's back on you.

In my twisted view of the world I see this as corporate greed at its finest. Instead of getting rid of the ones up top killing the company, they get rid of the ones hard at work keeping it alive. I'll never understand big business and how they can value money over people.

So once again my life has been thrown off path. Although at this point it might be safe to say I've long since been off path, lost in the woods trying to get back.

All I want from life is to be myself in all I do and to chase my dreams. I don't think that's too much to ask for, too much to want. I guess maybe it is because anytime I even try to strive for either one I get cut down and set back.

December 2011 Update

Life is... Hmm... I really can't pick one adjective to describe life right now although chaotic might be the closest.

Since my last post, some things with my mother appear to be improving while others seem to be getting worse. It has been a very hard time. To see a loved one go through the pain and suffering is very agonizing, and to know you really can't do anything, it just tears at your soul, your very being. I am very fortunate to have the good friends that I do, they have been such wonderful human beings through all of this. They call and text all the time to just check up and see how things are going. We hang out a lot more, to take my mind off of this, if for only a brief time.

A friend of mine lost his father to lung cancer last month. That really hit me deep even though I did not know his father. I really don't know what to make of things regarding this situation, I'm just going day by day.

Despite this, other issues in my life have not slowed down at all. The gender issue is still growing within me. Ever since I figured out that I think this is what's been going on with me my whole life and accepted this, this issue has really taken over my whole being. I can't go a day, even an hour, without some thought, some feeling about how I don't feel right as a male and would feel better as a female.

Maybe it is because the stressful time already going on around me, but the last month or so has really been tough for me with the gender issue. It feels like it has been amplified within. The feelings are stronger and the thoughts more clear. Emotionally I feel like a wreck. I get a lot of people asking me "Are you alright? What's wrong?" I usually just tell them "Nothing. I'm just tired." Truth be told, I am tired. I have not got much sleep the past month. Starbucks has become a really good friend of mine lol.

But it is not as grim as I'm making it out to be, at least I don't think so. I'm trying to come up with plans, courses of action, roads to take. Right now I kinda feel like the only way to solve some issues and be happy in life is to transition. I don't know how I would do it, or even how I would pay for it, but that's why I'm trying to figure things out. This is the most serious I've ever been about this. In my heart and soul I am a woman, hopefully someday I won't have to cage myself inside this exterior male prison.

A Somber Update

There are some things that are beyond our control in life. Those are the things we leave to God. I am not a religious person in life, but I do believe in a few things.

The next few months are probably going to be pretty rough for me and the rest of my family. My mother is not doing well. My emotions are all over the place right now. I am still at a loss for words for everything that has happened over the past couple of weeks and the news and updates that were received.

I don't know what the future holds from here, but certainly everything has changed course.

Life Of Agony

I want to apologize to anyone whom I normally chat with online and everybody else that I usually at least say hi to. I know I have not been around at all. For that I am sorry. Dealing with life and figuring out just how the hell this whole TG thing works with it has been really, really fucking hard lately.

Until a few weeks ago I had not been dwelling much on the TG issue. When I was online, I really didn't go near anything dealing with it either. Life, work, searching for a better job, friends, video games, and as always, music have been keeping my mind occupied. It was nice because for a couple months there I was actually starting to think that I was actually kinda happy with my life. I was down a lot less and there didn't seem to be as much pain in my life during this time. It was nice, but like a stone thrown into a glass house, it all shattered. Everything was just a false facade, a veil covering my eyes, hiding me from what really is. In a way, everything going on around me was like a painkiller numbing me. I knew it was there, the TG thing, it just wasn't bothering me as much.

I don't know if all that was a good thing or bad thing. Over the past couple of months, like I mentioned, my mind has not been on the TG issue much at all. That being said I have not dressed during that time either. I don't know why, I just did not have the urge to I guess. A few weeks ago, all the emotions, all the pain, the depressed moods, they all came flooding back. It was almost overwhelming to go from a time of almost at peace to turmoil and turbulence overnight.

It will always be there and it will never go away.

The mind is a fucked up thing. It really is. Like I'm really starting to believe that the reason why I feel like my life is a failure, that it's so messed up, so fucked up, is because the whole TG thing. Because I don't feel right in my own skin. I never have. All the insecurities I have, the lack of confidence in myself, the inadequacies (both sexual and non-sexual) I feel as a male, all of it I feel are because the sex of my body doesn't match the gender of my mind. At least that seems like the most logical explanation that my mind agrees upon.

But I really do think that is the truth. What else could explain the pain and jealousy I feel when I see a woman? What else could explain everything else that I feel? I really don't think anything else could explain it. The bad part is that because of all this, I have to live a life of pain. Pain that haunts me nearly everyday...

Sometimes I just feel like running away and starting my life over someplace far away. But where would I go? How would I get there? How could I just pick up and leave behind all those around me that I love? How would I survive once I got there? I don't think I would ever run away, but dammit it sure sounds like a good solution.

My situation in life right now prevents me from doing anything. And that really fucking sucks. The longer this goes on, the more the pain grows. I don't think I'm scared to do anything. No. I just don't want to burden those I live with with this. Yes I know sometimes we just have to do things for ourselves, but I guess I care too much for them to fuck up their perspective of me right now. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this though.

I keep searching for a way out, for a way to make my life better. I think though because of all the issues I have, it makes it harder. Countless job interviews that have resulted in nothing. The search becomes even harder when the light at the end of tunnel seems to be drifting further and further away. That leaves a scary thought in my head. What if the pain and despair get so bad and overwhelming that I end it all? It is scary to think about, and sometimes I do think about it, but I never want that to happen. Never.

The positive side is that I feel as long as I keep my faith in music that unfortunate end will never happen. I don't think I've ever mentioned it in this blog but music is the reason why I'm still alive. I've had bad times in my past and the only thing that kept me going was music. It gives me the strength to face another day. It has always been there for me. I won't call it a solution or cure, not by any means, but more of a tool, a method, to help cope with life.

Over the weekend I did see five bands whose music I have turned to for a long time now for strength. I would rank it as one of the greatest nights in all my life. I can't really describe how I felt other than "alive". Their music gives me so much energy, so much positive energy. Nothing else in life mattered other than the music entering my ears and seeing bands that I idolize play. It was amazing to see Machine Head, Megadeth, Hatebreed, Godsmack, and Disturbed all in the same day. (Yes, Mayhem Fest for anybody wondering.) The odd thing though, the TG thing didn't go away. I still had it in mind when I was at the show. (Women love to dress scantily at metal shows, kinda hard to miss them too.) But there was really no pain. I was so happy to be around the music that the only response, only thought I had was: "Man, I'd love to be like that and be able to dress like that and come to a show like this!" That was it. It was a happy thought about the desire to be a woman. And it was because of the music.

I just wish my everyday life was half as happy as that day was. I know the possible solution, but I can't figure out how to get there. The weekend was the peak of the emotional roller coaster, back to the downward trip until the next up. Life sucks this way.