Rambling On

I really wish I could win the Powerball or something. I have so many dreams, so many things I want to do and see, so many things I want to listen to live and with my own ears, and there are countless things I would love to purchase and call my own. Unfortunately all these things cost money, everything costs money.

Who ever said money can't buy happiness was full of shit.

There is this club downtown that I would go to nearly every night of the week if I could afford to. There are so many amazing bands that play there, so many I'd love to see and to see again. I would love to travel the world and see all that my eyes can take in. If I could I would seek out and become my true self and not worry about any social reprocussions, any ostrization, or anything or anyone that would try to keep me down because I would not need them and say "Fuck you! I don't need you, this is who I am dammit!!"

Yeah I dream big. So what? I feel if nobody ever dared to dream big we'd all still be living in caves starting fires with two sticks and going out everyday to hunt our daily meals. We as humans were given the brain power to overcome these rudimentary basics and we have. We evolved and those things are no longer laborus chores. We live in houses, buildings, structures that provide for us. If we want food we just go to the cabinet, open up the refrigerator, use the stove or microwave, or even just pick up the phone and somebody will bring us food.

We as humans have figured the basics of living out so well that we can use much more of our mind power to focus on other issues. I would say the greatest being trying to figure our own selves out. We were given this gift of consciousness, of intelligence, of individuality. We became not just humans, but people.

Unfortunately there are humans out there who are opposed to learning about and discovering all there is to know and do in being human. Wars are started over religions and race. There is no compassion, only hate and misunderstanding. People are driven by greed and their own sense of fucked up morals. If people could see past cultural differences, past skin color, past religion, past gender and sexuality, they would see another human just like themselves.

Our brain power has been both a gift and a curse. We have unlimited potential to do whatever we want but we are held back by greed and prejudice. Hell, we as humans even manage to outright kill most anybody who dares say that we must set aside greed and prejudice and see each other as humans. I can't even imagine what the world would be like if instead of developing ways to kill one another we focused on helping one another.

"So you children of the world

Listen to what I say

If you want a better place to live in

Spread the word today

Show the world that love is still alive

You must be brave

Or you children of today are

Children of the Grave!"

Black Sabbath - Children of the Grave

Blowing Off Steam

I apologize for this post, but I needed to vent.

I was really excited to hear that a forum site had been established with the intent to specifically talk about crossdreaming. I thought this would be a good place to learn, grow, and talk with others about our experiences and such. I was hoping this would be a place of positivity and understanding.

I was dead wrong. The intent is good, unfortunately a few bad eggs spoil the whole thing. At first is seemed good. There were positive people, a couple I've talked with before. My hopes were up at this point because I really thought this would be an interesting site. Nope.

I tried posting a few times only to have nearly everything I said torn apart. Now I've spent nearly my whole life tearing apart my own beliefs and ridiculing myself, I don't need somebody else doing that as well to me. I understand that to have your ideas and beliefs tested is the best way for you to really see if you agree with them or not, but I don't need it on that level. I can understand a friendly challenge or disagreement, but trying to cut down what I'm saying is not necessary and it sure doesn't help at all.

Maybe I'm overreacting, maybe I just don't understand people. Maybe trying to take everything I've been dealt in life and make it as positive as I can is wrong in some way. Maybe I should never have thought that there are indeed decent and nice people out there. Maybe I never should have opened myself up. Maybe I never should have thought I could have a constructive conversation about a controversial subject.

Honestly I don't fucking care. Why should I? I try to be nice. I try to get along. I try my damnedest to be accepting of people and see their viewpoints. What happens? I usually meet an asshole somewhere that only cares for themselves and gets off on making others feel like shit.

You can call me a quitter, a whiner, whatever you can think of. I've heard them all. You won't hurt my feelings. I am not going back to that site though. At least not until the overall atmosphere is that of a positive one and people there learn to respect the beliefs of others and not bash everything that is said with false contradictions.

I choose not to associate myself with negativity on a subject that I am trying so very hard to figure out and live with in a way that will bring happiness to my life.

From the Heart

Have you ever just laid on your bed and just stared up at the ceiling? Whenever I do I begin to think, very heavy thoughts too. I had this happen today, but there is a little bit of a story involved.

I found myself with time alone today. When this happens usually one or two or both always happen. Playing music loudly and/or dressing. I chose the later today. I just need it, needed that "me" time. It made me very happy, as it usually does, and I enjoyed every minute of it. After a while I noticed the time and decided it was time to go back to the boring world of male clothes as my alone time would not be alone for much longer.

So as I sat down on the edge of the bed to change, I just leaned back and found myself lying down staring up at the ceiling. My mind began to wander as all of the feelings my body was experiencing by the clothes on my body culminated into one thought. One clear vision. "I want to stay like this for the rest of my life." I looked down at myself, the clothes I had on, then back up at the ceiling. I was thinking again.

This is what truly makes me happy, to be a woman. I want to dress in these clothes and have my body match that form. There was no sexual drive or sexual thoughts influencing this. No. The only thing I could equate this to is a need to express myself as the form and in the form that brings me the most joy from life. That form I believe is my true identity, my core identity, my true self. I felt this in my heart.

As I continued to stare up, I started to think, "Well, what is next then?" I have to do something, I cannot be idle about this. I really, really want to transition. I have to figure out how to make it work. This is not coming from my mind, my sexual desires, or any of that. This is coming from the one place that counts the most, my heart. In my heart I know I am beautiful woman begging to be let out into the world.

Days like today make me just want to say "Fuck everything! I don't care about the social reprocussions, the potential loss of relationships or anything. I just want to be me! I have to be me." The reality in this is that I know the path my heart wants to take. It is probably just a matter of time before the rest of me wants nothing else than to go on this path as well.

Small Update and a Poem

I apologize for the lack of updates. It's just that nothing really has happened or been happening that is worth writing about. I have still yet to find a suitable job so that I may continue on my journey. I just can't really do anything on the money that I do make, and that includes things I love doing like going to concerts. Unfortunately the job market where I live just plain sucks. So yeah...

I have began to make captions again. I felt inspired to write again. Plus I wanted to at least get some together for the two year anniversary of my caption blog at the end of the month. Not only does it mark two years since the blog began, but also two years since I really opened myself up to the online TG community. This month really marks two years since I started on this journey of self discovery. Two years seems like a long time, but I know I am far from the end of the road. I have learned a lot and I will continue to learn even more.

I would like to share this poem I wrote. It is about the music I love and it gives a glimpse as to why I dedicate so much of my life to it.

Ode to Metal

Dear Heavy Metal,

You are my savior and redeemer

My release and my healer

You give me strength when I am weak

Save me when I am bleak

My darkest demons you reveal

My deepest secrets you conceal

For everything I am, you said I was not alone

In you I found a home

You showed me a better way than suicide

From your very words I cried

You taught me morals and individuality

In you, I found me

You gave me a life when I had none

For this I will follow you until my days are done

My Heart Aches, but My Hair Smells Nice

There has been much pain in my heart lately. So much of my dreams rely on finding a source of income that would allow me to further myself. The problem is the job market where I live is not offering much. I have been searching, but so far, nothing.

Its not only the fact that my dreams are still on hold that is getting to me, its winter. Winter as a whole, I do not like. Snow can beautiful but that's it. The cold, bitter winds, and lack of green life make the Earth seem in a death like state. The trees reduced to skeletons as their leafy flesh is stripped away from the cold. The green grass and wondrous flowers have lost their luster and have been buried under the blankets of nature's own white death. The animals have all gone away in search of places where life still exists. Winter is cold, reminiscent of death. Winter puts me in a morbid mood. I'm tired of this season. I yearn to see green and life once again.

Perhaps someday I'll move to a place that does not see such harsh winters. The future is an amazing thing, sometimes it's unfortunate that today has to come before tomorrow.

I suppose a positive is that my hair does in fact smell nice. I tried a different conditioner. A girl I work with suggested it to me. She said she uses it and loves it and said it might help to tame my wild hair. I must say that it has helped. My hair is not as frizzy and seems to be softer. I have also noticed less knots in my hair too. I think I'm going to stick with this conditioner because I have definitely noticed an improvement in my hair's appearance. The conditioner I'm using now is Pantene. I would recommend it for sure.

I just wish spring would hurry up and get here.

Read a Book

I read a book over the weekend. I heard about this book from a person whom I follow their vlogs on youtube. SamanthaZero34 if you are curious. The book is Understanding Transgender Diversity: A Sensible Explanation of Sexual and Gender Identities by Claire Ruth Winter. This was the first book I've read that deals with the subject of transgenderism. I typically don't read many books, those that know me know I would more prefer to sit and listen to music.

Anyway. I just felt compelled to read this book, like I should read it. So a quick trip to amazon.com and it was on it's way to my mailbox. It is a shorter book, being only around 190 pages long. Well worth the read though.

I really can't say that I learned anything new by reading this book, (I learn quite a bit from browsing around the internet and talking to others) but I am still glad I took the time to read it. If anything it was a great reassurance of all the feelings and ideas I have within me. Although the book is geared toward helping others understand the idea of what it means to be transgender and the struggles, both inner and outer, that we as transgender people face, it is still note worthy for anybody to read. And since I'm terrible at book reviews, this is what the editorial review states:

"Understanding Transgender Diversity presents a fresh and remarkably clear look at the highly individual nature of human sexuality: why a vast spectrum of self-identities-including those we call "transgender"-will always exist. Part I offers a new model of human sexuality that's both logical and intuitive, enhanced by many creative diagrams and the author's personal experience. Part II provides a well-organized overview of the myriad forms of transgender expression, while Part III sheds thought-provoking light on the many kinds of relationships we can have with transgender people and how best to cope with and benefit from these. Though relatively short, this book is rich in content, written in an engaging and often witty style that draws you in from the beginning and keeps you reading with fascination to the end."

The one big thing that I really loved about this book was the idea that we are all humans and all individuals that was presented in the text. Each of us has this core identity, sometimes this is buried deep within us under layers and layers of social conditioning. It is because of society and the history of humans and our nature to segregate and label everything we are that sometimes to be our true selves puts us on the outside of what is considered "normal" or deviant from the social average. To show the world our true self is often the riskiest thing we can do in life. The idea being that we as humans must unlearn what we've been taught and learn to live with open minds. We are all humans after all and each of us with our own identity that makes each of us unique and different from one another, but that at it's core is what it means to be human.

This is something I strongly believe in. I would not be on this journey otherwise. I learned long ago, mostly through the music I listen to and personal experience, that society suppresses and ostracizes that which does not fit within its mold of what it believes a human should be. That's okay with me though. The other thing I learned is that I like being here on the outside. I know that I am striving to be an individual in this world, to know my true self. If that puts me on the outside for who I am, so be it. At least out here I can be with others who took a stand and said "I am who I am and I'm not going to be anybody else because I can't." Out here we can see the faults and try to educate others and make this world a better place.

I know that I would not trade the life I have for any other in this world. The life I am living, the path I am on, makes me who I am, makes me an individual, makes me human. Sure everything is not the best all the time and I've a long way to go, but I know I am getting in touch with my core identity. This journey is my own and no one else has the same experiences as I do. I am an individual and will continue to be one until the day I die.

"This above all: to thine own self be true." - William Shakespeare

Happy New Year: Take Two

I feel like writing since my mood is far lifted from what it has been the past week. My mood was just about at an all time low. Most of the past week I spent sleeping, feeling like shit, and just crying. I don't know what triggered it though, I just woke up like that one day last week. I know I couldn't shake it though, it was just there, always there, dragging me down. It effected every part of my life too because several times I got asked by those close to me if I was alright. I just really don't know what caused it though, or why it lasted as long as it did. I do know though, what was on my mind the entire time.

Womanhood. Becoming a woman and transitioning. That is what was on my mind the entire time. Everytime I would think about it I would be left in tears. Every thought clawed at my heart. I was in so much pain. It felt almost like my spirit broke down and I was left in ruins. As I looked at all the shattered pieces of my life, trying to put them back together, I realized something. In my heart I know the answer. In my heart I know exactly what I want. I didn't deny it or try to hide it or try to make an excuse and cover it up.

With tear filled eyes and the stains of dried tears on my cheeks I opened my mouth and said aloud to myself exactly what my heart was saying to me. I want more than anything to have my body changed to match my insides. Tears began to flow again as I spoke my heart, "I want to be a woman and I want to try to do whatever I must to make it happen." At long last happiness broke through. It was like a 200 ton weight was lifted from my shoulders. I felt calm and relaxed.

That was a couple of days ago. I do not take back what I said though. I do want to be a woman and I do want to try and do whatever it takes to get there. That does not mean, however, that I have decided to transition. It means I want to and I am not denying that fact. It means that not much really will change at this point, other than I feel a great comfort knowing this fact about myself and accepting it. Before I was never quite sure, never quite 100% there if I wanted it or not. That doubt is gone, my heart has spoken.

Again, my spirits are so lifted right now, I'm so happy. I even decided to do some cleaning over the weekend because I was feeling better. One of the things I faced was part of one of my New Year's Resolutions. I cleaned out my liquor cabinet. (Yes I do have an actual cabinet :P ) I cleaned it all out. All that is left are a few glasses and shot glasses and an empty bottle of brandy. (I thought the bottle looked interesting and would make a good shelf decoration someday. So I kept it.) I am really serious about this drinking less. I don't want to say I am quitting, I still like being able to indulge every once in a while with some friends. I just really want to cut back. There are very deep personal reasons behind this. Something happened back in November, on my birthday of all days, that really opened my eyes. It was nothing I did, but a family member. I was really upset at what happened. Yes this thing involved alcohol. I just remember in December I was drinking a little more than I usually do. I woke up one morning with a hangover and realized if I stay on this path someday I may end up like that family member. I don't want that. I never want that.

There is a song I listen to everyday that reminds me of that family member and why I never want to be like that. I've been listening to it everyday since my birthday. Yes it brings some anger with it, but for me it is a positive reminder of everything. I may share it if anybody really wants to know.

So my year got off to a bit of a rough start. Right now I have a fresh positive vibe within me. I have a goal and determination. I have inspiration. I know what lies in heart.