Control

So today definitely ranked as one of those days where it is quite obvious that my desire is growing stronger. Today like really felt like Isobelle was in control of my mind. I mean she was there, all day. Like she seriously would not go away. Not that Ireally cared though. I mean it was a good day, the sun was shining bright in the blue sky, the temperature was moderate for this time of year. It was a day that just lifted your spirits and to have my mind just be happy and roam where it wanted to was really cool.

So the whole mood of the day began right when I woke up. I hate waking up early, but have to, and I'm always very sluggish for the first few minutes. So I drag my feet out from the covers and put them on the floor and sit up. As I sat up a vision rushed into my mind. There I was just above a guy laying down, his dick hard and straight up in the air. I felt myself grab him and guide his hardness into my pussy as I lowered myself on to him. I heard myself go "MMmmmmmmmm" I so wanted this to last forever, but the vision vanished as my grogginess left me and I began to wake up.

Next came the most shocking moment of the day for me. As I was pulling into my work's parking lot I noticed something. It was just a simple observation of where a car was parked, nothing really out of the ordinary, but something came over me right then and there. An involuntary impulse I guess you call it. I fucking giggled, out loud, at what I saw. It wasn't a snicker, a laugh, a chuckle, it was a giggle. I couldn't believe what I just did. I stopped the car and went "What the hell was that? Did I seriously just do that?" I mean never have I giggled out loud like that before. I didn't know what to think. So I just sorta shook it off and said to myself "Be quite Izzy, you can't come out now, I have to go to work!" But did she listen? NO!

The rest of the day was filled with thoughts of just being Isobelle, thoughts about what things would be like to make a transition, thinking of my body how it would look as the other gender. Today was a day of Isobelle. There was even one point where I got so horny during the day I began to moan out loud as I envisioned my self as a female exploring my new feminine body. Luckily I was the only one around. ( Yes I'm positive I was alone. I was the only one in the vehicle :P ) And then there was the part where I saw this woman, who was close to my current size and build, and all I could think was "Damn, I can look like that. She's fucking sexy as hell, her body so wonderful..." I always loose words when that happens. Gets me excited though, and makes me think.

So I guess if I had to put a description on what today was, I'd call it a fun and interesting day. I was very pleased with it. :)

Thoughts, questions, comments? Post 'em below or email me. Laters all. :)

Something Interesting

Well I had an interesting night last night. To say the least. And while it was something I have done before, this time was different. Like it made me realize something more about myself. I found it odd though.

So here's what happened. I was out with some friends, and after the movie it was still kinda early and we were bored. Well out of ideas, we decided to go to a strip club. Nothing new for me. I actually enjoy going. But this time was different. I mean the point of a place like that is to get you stimulated sexually right? Naked women all around dancing and moving provocatively. Should get you going right? Well not me last night. As I sat there watching, I was studying them. Studying their body, their form, the way they move. I mean, yeah, I was attracted to them. But I more wanted to be like them than to have them all over me.

Even when I was getting a private lap dance. Seeing her pussy in my face, I wanted one. I want to know what it feels like to have one. I did not get hard at all. I kinda felt bad for her too. I mean she was trying real hard, and I know she could prolly tell I was not hard, grinding all over me like that. I just kinda sat there, there was enjoyment in my face, but it was not sexual enjoyment. It was enjoyment of getting to see a human form that I would love to have, have it move over another human form as I would love to do. I guess you could say during the dance I was just envisioning myself as her. Doing that dance to another guy.

I've never had that happen before where I didn't get hard from those thoughts though. I mean I normally get really horny when I start seeing women like that, in those situations. Last night was really strange for me. I enjoyed it, but in a different way than one would normally enjoy a trip to a place like that.

Sometimes I think my head is so fucked up...

Then again, maybe it's not. If I gained anything from last night, it's that I really do have a desire to be female, that it's something more than just a simple fantasy. It really fucking messes with me. It IS a desire that my whole body feels.

Questions, thoughts, comments? Post 'em below or email me. :)

Desires

So I had something happen today that reaffirmed my belief that this desire inside me to be female is far more than just a fantasy. It really is a desire, a want, a need. Although I have not had an episode of it being that strong a desire in some time. It was kinda strange cause I don't think anything triggered it, it just was there.

So this is what happened. I woke up this morning, after a night of drinking, (its the weekend, usually happens, lol) and I had an incredibly strong desire to feel female. And it was not like I'm hard I need sexual release feeling, it was just a feeling of I need to feel more female. Like I just needed to be female, that my male body was like out of place on me. I knew what I had to do to aid this feeling so it did not send me into a down state of mind, I needed to dress. Once I did I felt much better, like my body was in a state of peace, like I felt normal I guess. It was like a feeling of a desire becoming reality almost.

Its really funny how clothes can influence your mind like that, but they do. Proir to today I had not dressed in a long while. I don't know why, I just did not feel it. I like to keep it a sort of only as needed basis. I think it has a stronger effect that way. And judging by today, I am correct.

After it was over I felt good about it though. Like normally I kinda feel empty afterwards, but today it was very fulfilling. I kinda feel like I'm moving in a direction with all this, just not sure which one yet.

Thoughts, questions, comments? Post 'em here or email me at isobellenichole@gmail.com

Where am I Now?

So it's been forever since I posted anything on any of my blogs, I know. I was sorta taking a break from this stuff. It had gotten to a point where things were just overwhelming I guess you could say. I had to step away and just clear my mind so I could figure things out a bit. I did not totally close myself off from this world though. I was still around over at TF-Media, but it was basically just chatting with my friends over there. The break was worthwhile though, I did figure some things out.

I still have strong feelings of wanting to be female but at this point in my life it is not going to happen. I let that desire almost overcome me. I have to keep it in control. There were days where I would like put myself in a depressed, or down state of mind because I wanted to be a woman right then and there but was not, could not physically be that. I realized that there is no sense in dwelling that deep on it if it is not going to happen at the current state of my life. Yes it would be nice, but right now it must remain just a fantasy, a desire within me, one that will not see me doing anything to change my body right now. And it's not just financial issues, or the family/friends thing, I think I still need more time o think it through, more time to figure myself out more. So my feelings on this are still the same, I have no idea where it will take me in the future, but for now, I will still be male. But I am happy with this.

Things in my life have sorta turned to a positive angle on things. New job, more good friends, and the thoughts that winter is half over and spring will be here before we know it always brightens my spirits. Winter here just is terrible. I hate cold. I long for warm sunny days. They will be here soon. But these things have taken my mind off of my desire. Again I am happy with this. You cannot go through life and not live it, even if you are not what you desire to be, still go out there and live life in whatever way you can. I have been doing that alot lately, just living life how it is right now. Sure I still think life would be better as a female, but I have to take what I have right now and make the most of it.

And just because I am in a happy state where things are right now doesn't mean I will stop making captions or stop exploring this side of me. It is too big a part of me for it to just go away or be silent. I have made a good number of captions over my little break and am still making them, so expect to see new ones through out February and into March every couple of days. And I am still exploring, but I am staying positive about it and not letting it get me down. I went back and re-read my last post here and I do have a big change in attitude and mood since then. I feel much more positive and I am looking at things more positively.

Thoughts, comments, questions? Post them here or email me at isobellenichole@gmail.com

Struggle Within

Well I guess you can say I've been fighting with myself lately. I don't know what the hell I want really. Inside me there is this battle, this struggle as to what I am, who I am, who I am supposed to be. Of course it is all kept within me for now, I show none of this to the outside world, but it is there. I speak of course of my body. It is male on the outside. I think right now that is the only part of my gender that I know to be what it is. Inside I have no idea. I really don't. Depending on my mood, things around me, people I'm talking to, inside it changes. However I've noticed recently that the inside tends to want to be female more often. I've been highly intrigued about the transformation process as of late. I look at my inside, then my outside, and wonder. Do they really match? For the first time ever I've been thinking I should have been born a girl. I know I would be extremely happy as one. I know I would feel comfortable as one. I know I could be one, I just know it. If there was some sort of pill I could take and I wake up as Isobelle, I would take it right now, without hesitation. But that's not how it works, and that is my biggest problem.

There is no insta-girl solution out there. Its long and involved, and expensive, and has surgeries. But as I think more about it, those are not what bothers me. It's the acceptance of it. The way others see me for who I am now and what I would love to be. It's how others would see me afterwords. Right now I am accepted for who I am, for the gender on the outside that I am. Outside of this internet world, no one knows about me wanting to be Isobelle. No one I know in real life knows, I have not told a soul. Problem is I don't think my family and closest friends would understand. Now I know what you are thinking, people are understanding if you just take the time and talk to them. I know, but I also know the people closest to me. I have seen them openly discriminate against transgender people, against gays and such. They make fun of men who would rather live as female. They are intolerant. I just don't think I could put myself through their hell by telling them of my desires.

I struggle very much dealing with this woman inside me. Sometimes I wish I could let her out and have her run my life, others I wish she would just go away and leave me alone. So I have come to the conclusion at this point that I have no idea what the future will hold for my body or insides. Its all the part if I ever have the courage to tell anyone. I know if I could move somewhere, away from everyone I know and if I had the money, I would change. But that is not gonna happen.

I guess it's good though that when I think about this, I don't get sad, or depressed or something. I just go into deep thought, or get aroused. Usually when I think about this, I write captions, or I look up porn and just envision myself as that girl in the porn. I am happy when I do this, it puts my mind in a state of pleasure. But there are times like this where I question, where I wonder...

Thoughts, comments, questions? Post 'em here or email me at isobellenichole@gmail.com

A Strange Day

So it's been a bit of a strange day for me today. On a whole, on the outside, the day was just terrible. I mean I just felt like the world was weighing me down and nothing seemed to go smoothly. It was just one of those days that the sooner it gets over with, the better. But on the inside, interesting things were going on. Things I never really felt before. It was so strange that these thoughts and feelings came on a day like this, and at the time they did too.

I was just going about my day at work, feeling down and a bit miserable. I was walking when out of no where something so amazing happened. It was a bit of a day dream, but it felt and looked as if it were real. For the few seconds that this so called day dream was happening I was so at peace, so happy, it was just WOW!

Okay, this is what happened. As I was walking an image came in my mind that looked so real. Like my eyes were open but all I saw was this image. I looked down to see myself naked, not as a guy but as a girl. I had that body that I so want, the smooth skin, the perfect tanned tone, everything. As I looked down past my breasts I could see my pussy. But that's not all I saw. Just beyond my pussy was a waiting cock. Hard and waiting to enter me. I let out a bit of a gasp as it moved toward me. I fucking felt it touch my pussy! A shiver came over my body as it touched my pussy. And then, ohhh my god, this was so amazing! I felt it enter me!!!! As the hardness slowly pushed into me, a warm pleasure flooded my body. It was a bit of numbness, but it felt warm and extremely pleasurable. I noticed I opened my mouth and moaned under my breath. I can't even put to words how awesome this felt. It was just so WOW!

But just as sporadically as this thought and image entered me, it left. I opened my eyes and there I was, still at work, still a guy. The strangest thing in this little day dream was that I did not become hard from it. Usually when I visualize myself as a girl getting something like that done to me, it makes me hard. Not this time. Yet I got immense pleasure from it. This is something that I've never experienced. I loved it though!! I fucking loved it.

Thoughts, comments, questions? Post them here or email me at isobellenichole@gmail.com

Thanks for reading. :)

I still question why...

I apologize for the lack of updates recently here. I started this blog with the intention of updating it more often, maybe once a week or so. But I have not. Real life things have taken priority over this. Things like re-kindling old friendships that have deteriorated over the years. It's not that I have lost any of these feelings that I have about being Isobelle, its just that they have been pushed off to the side for the time being. They are still there but I don't think about them as much. I don't know if that's good or bad. I mean I love having those thoughts, I love seeing myself as Isobelle, but also it is nice to just be happy with who you are, having people accept you for who you are. I don't know, I'm kinda torn over this. On the one hand I have who I am now in real life, a guy and decently happy with it, and in the other I have Isobelle, whom I would die to be and still have thoughts about being her. Like today I woke up thinking about myself as her. It was just a dream, but in it I was Isobelle. It wasn't anything sexual or of that nature, just me being her, having her body. I really loved it. I held on to that thought as long as I could without fully waking up. Then later in the day I was out doing some Christmas shopping and saw a girl at the mall wearing leather pants. I didn't think how hot she was, or how hot she looked in them, no. I thought how sexy Isobelle would be wearing them and that I would totally rock those as a girl. It's just so weird to me because I am a guy and have guy tendencies but whenever I see something or a person that reminds me of Isobelle, all I think about is being her. I am happy being a guy but would give it all up to be whom I see Isobelle as. I don't know. I still find it a bit strange, even though I have accepted these thoughts being there, that I see a girl who reminds me of Isobelle and I think how awesome it would be to be her. Most other guys would think about fucking her, I want to be her. I just don't really understand why. I don't think I ever will either, but I continue to question. Continue to explore...

Thoughts, comments, questions... Post 'em here or email me at - isobellenichole@gmail.com