Stuck in a Hole

I feel like I'm stuck in a hole. Really I do. I noticed this as I looked around at my living space and noticed I have not really cleaned in a very long time. It's not like it is horrible or I'm a slob, just things out of place, stuff I've bought and have not found homes for yet, laundry not put away, and my desk... Just a complete mess.

Stuff like that, and it got to me. So I've been cleaning up today and as I am cleaning I started to wonder why. Why did I let it get so bad? The answer is simple. I feel like I've been stuck in a hole. I just have felt like I have no motivation to do really anything. And I know why. My desire is consuming me. I have days where I just do not feel right in my male shell. I have times where I will be in good spirits and all of a sudden come crashing down and I just kinda mope around and don't do anything.

Everyday I have thoughts about being or becoming female. And its not like one or two during the day, they are there most of the day, from some of the first thoughts when I wake up, to some of the last thoughts I have before I go to sleep. Nothing really distracts them either. Anywhere I go, anything I do, they are there. Work, hanging out with friends, going to a concert, playing with myself, anywhere and anything. But especially when I play. I cannot see myself as a male in a sexual situation, all I see is me as the girl. I've tried to picture myself as the guy, but it was like it didn't even turn me on at all and I quickly turned it around to where I was the girl.

So I feel like I'm stuck in a hole because I honestly don't know what to do next, or how to get myself out. I don't like being in this state I'm in. In this state my life feels like it has stalled, like I'm not going anywhere. I feel like I need to do something, but what? Maybe look for a new job, one that would bring in more money so I can move out on my own? Maybe look into seeing on what I need to finish getting a degree? Maybe seek out support groups and try to express my female side more? Maybe wrap this up and get back to cleaning and go from there? lol.

One last bit before I wrap this up though. This has to do with Alexia's comment. I kinda wanted to say something in my next post as opposed to commenting back, more people might read it this way. Anyway... I have taken quite a few of those online gender test thingies. Around 90% of the time I get either female or 50/50 result. I know most of them are not meant to use as a deciding test, but the results make me think cause I get the same results most of the time. Another thing, labels. I don't really like them and really don't like them applied to me. Mostly because labels do not tell the whole story and you don't always fit all the definitions of the label. With that being said there are really only two labels I accept for me right now. One is transgender. I fit that, that is me. Although it did take me some time to accept it, I feel it was an important step in my journey to say I am a transgender person. The other label is one I have been so proud to call myself, and this label I openly accepted and wanted. It is metalhead. A follower of metal music and one who lives their life for the music. For those of you out there who know me, you know that I am in love with metal music and the lifestyle associated with it and that I proudly show it. :) Up until my acceptance of transgender, it was the only label I knew I agreed with 100%.

Now back to cleaning...

Thoughts, comments, questions? Post them below or feel free to email me. :)

Conflikted

Well first I would like to clarify something. I have been getting some confused reactions to my last post. Yes I believe myself to be transgender. But what does that mean exactly? It does not mean at this point that I will be transitioning. That may or may not come in the future. But right now I consider myself transgendered because I feel that my outside gender does not always match my inside one. Like I feel that the label female better describes me than male. I hope that clears up any confusion.

I've been having a rough time lately. These thoughts of wanting to be female have just really hit me hard. I feel like I'm fighting myself. Male versus female. Neither side ever wins. And each time I feel so down after each battle. Sometimes to the point of tears. And this struggle is all about becoming female, like going through a transition. I know that I would want to, but there are so many things about it that just scare the shit out of me. Like will I be accepted, will I be able to find a job not only to live but to pay for everything involved, will I still have a family, is it really what I want, could I really be happy with my body being female? The fear of the unknowns. And there are so many of them. I guess I still have a lot of searching and thinking to do. I feel so conflicted...

Anyway, I've been looking to music as a guide once again in my life. I'd like to share some lyrics that have made me think or have given me something.

Sevendust - Waffle

Bring me a light, Make my life worth something more, Show me a light, Bring me a light

...

I need to find a meaning, I'm useless, I'm useless, Trapped inside my own web

Metallica - Until it Sleeps

Where do I take this pain of mine? I run but it stays right by my side, So tear me open pour me out, There's things inside that scream and shout ... Just like the curse just like the stray, you feed it once and now it stays ... So tell me why you've chosen me, Don't want you grip your greed

Five Finger Death Punch - Never Enough

I'd rather hate you for everything you are, Then ever love you for something you are not, I'd rather you hate me for everything I am, Then have you love me for something that I can't

In Flames - Touch of Red

Reaching depths of clarity, I'm not supposed to be like this, I should be on top of the world, Is there anybody out there like me?

I followed - something's missing, Self control - forcing me down, Whispers consume the air, Above her I'm endless

When the rain comes falling, I'll freeze I'm so afraid, When things start to flood me, I'll drown in seconds

Fear - there's a way out, Touch of red, Break away, Nothing has it all, Bury the place I've been, I fear there's a way out

As if I ever had a choice, All in the hands of the energy, Once again I feel the quicksand, Shallow me tonight I won't stuggle

Fear - there's a way out, Touch of red, Break away, Nothing has it all, Bury the place I've been, I fear there's a way out

Fear Factory - Fear Campaign

Fear is the enemy on my path

...

What do you fear? Fear is your god!

And my favorite lyric of all that always makes me feel stronger and just makes me proud that this is the way I live.

Sepultura - Attitude

Live your life and not the way they taught you. Do what you feel!

Thoughts, comments, questions? Post 'em below or feel free to email me.

Revalations

So there is a few things that I have learned/realized about myself since my last post here. I feel that these are some pretty big things that have come forth. What they will mean to me? Only time can tell...

First, my desire to be female has gotten very strong. So strong that over the past few weeks, several times has my desire brought me to tears. And not just watery eyes tears, but full on break down and let it all out tears too. I think about it constantly too. I don't even try to think about it and it's in my head. Sometimes happy thoughts, sometimes thoughts that just bring me down.

I think I underestimated the deepness of my desire when a few months back I thought it was just something of a phase I was going through. I thought I was spending too much time around the online stories and captions and it was getting to me. But when I stepped away and tried to not pay attention to this stuff online, it was still there in me. It did not go away, it was not quiet. Maybe I was foolish to think that it would just go away, or go back to being what I thought was just a fetish. Truth is that it's not going away, it just keeps growing and growing.

As a point to prove that, I think I have been really ignoring alot that has led me to this point in my journey. For instance, I have a tendency to downplay my past, my teen years and what I did. There was a period of time when dressing almost became an obsession to me. I had to feel the clothes on me, I just had to. I needed it. It was like a drug. I never went as far as putting on makeup and getting myself all done up, I just needed the clothes. I can remember when I had the clothes on, I sorta felt natural in them. I still have that. I guess my point is that these feeling of wanting to be female, to feel female are nothing new. They have been with me for a long time now. And then I realized something that made me stop in my tracks.

I was talking to Kathryn a few days ago. As we were talking, the subject came up about the first time we were aroused so much that we came. So when it was my turn to share my story, I went back and dug through my mind. I remembered it as if it were yesterday. I was around 13 years old at the time. I was laying in bed one night, could not sleep. My mind was just wandering from one thing to the next. Out of no where I got this image in my head of the outfit that Princess Leia wore when she was the slave girl. (Yeah I know, major Star Wars nerd :P ) I remember seeing the outfit, but it was not on Leia. Now up until this point of my remembering I had always thought I came to a vision of slave girl Leia. But that is not the truth. I guess at the time I just overlooked it cause it was my first time. But anyway, as I recalled that night, that thought, I realized something. I saw the outfit, but not on Leia. I remember the wondering what it would feel like to have an outfit like that around my skin. The first time I came was to a thought of me being feminine. I seriously just stopped all I was doing and just sat there. I ran the night through my head again, same outcome. It couldn't be, could it? All this time, all these years, my desire has always been there.

Recently I met a post-op MtF TS online. We have been talking. She told me something that another post-op told me online once before. She said that the feeing I have, the things I feel inside me, she had the same feelings. I was shocked, but at the same time sorta expected that. I believe my desire runs far deeper than what I have thought. Or maybe I've just been in denial?

Whatever it is I have made a decision. I looked back at where I've been and where I am now. And I know it's gonna be, "Well duh. I could have told you that." but I have never said it before. I guess I've been sorta afraid of using the term about me, maybe scared of what it could mean. But I'm going to take a deep breath and say it...

I am transgendered.

There, I said it. What it means from here I have no idea. All I know is that my desire keeps building within me and at some point I'll be faced with a decision. Quite possibly the toughest decision life will throw at me. It won't be easy, but I know it is coming...

Thoughts, questions, comments? Post them below or feel free to email me.

An Update, or me Rambling?

Well I think I'll give an update. Mostly cause I'm in a good mood right now and feel sorta talkative. Hehe. So sorry up front if this gets random or just turns into me babbling. Hehe.

Well first I'd like to say something about my last couple of posts. They were not happy posts by any means. I wanted to keep the vibe here of a positive feel, but life is just not that way. I am much better now, but I think that rough stretch was something that really made me think. Like even though it was a not so good time for me, I think it was valuable in my journey. I feel like it was even further proof that maybe my outside is just not right. Like it was surge of more of my inner female taking control in some ways. And I do believe that because I can't remember any time in my life that I have cried so much. It just seems lately that there will be things that just bring tears to my eyes. Good or bad things too. I feel more emotional than ever before. I feel more and more like my male label just doesn't fit me.

-Changing Directions-

Okay, so the past week or so has I think been really interesting. I dare say even fun at some points. So with I just said about the control thing, with that I have been letting Isobelle have some control, like just giving her control, for fun. Hehe, omg it was fun! Like when no one has been around and I'm alone, I've been practicing walking more like a girl. Ohhh wow it feels incredible to do that. Like to just walk and sway your hips, keeping your legs close together. Fuck I felt so much like a woman doing that! Everytime I did that I felt so happy afterwards. :) One bad thing though is that I think when I was out shopping yesterday, my inner girl was in control. Like I spent way more than what I wanted to spend and bought stuff I really didn't need, but when I saw them I was all like"OMG I totally need this!" So $200 plus later I've decided that I have to be careful when shopping. Hahahaha.

Ok, something that I'm not sure if it means anything big or not, but I have been trying to figure out how to make my voice sound more feminine. It's really hard. Like I know I can change my voice, but that is usually in the opposite direction. Like I'm decent at doing death metal style vocals, but those are deep gutteral things. Not very feminine. Hehe. Unless you count my imitations of Angela Gossow from Arch Enemy. Hehe. But still, just talking is really hard and it's something that I'm gonna continue to work on.

-Changing Again O_o -

Well not to try to kill the upbeat mood, but there is something major in my life that I have to deal with. Ok, so for those of you who don't know, I have long hair. Like even though I cut six inches off the other day to get rid of all the dead, split ends, it still comes downs to about the middle of my back. So like the problem is that my boss confronted me about my hair. Basically he told me that I would need to cut my hair to advance. I think he was even hinting at like if I did not cut my hair I could be out of a job. He said it was because of a public image thing for the company.

First I am so hurt by this. My long hair represents so many things to me. Mainly my devotion to my music, but also recently it has become very important to my inner female self. My hair is who I am, I am very proud of it. I know that if I did cut it I would never forgive myself. I have talked to some people about this and some say it's bullshit that I should have to cut my hair (which I completely agree with), and some have said cut it and move on. Yeah I know hair grows back. But it's not that. I guess in some way I feel that I have to stand up and say that long hair is not bad, does not make me a bad person. Like just because I have long hair should not matter. Afterall, girls have long hair right? Why can't a guy? I start thinking about it and I start getting so pissed about it. I hate business type people who only live in their little box of a world and don't care to experience anything outside of that, let alone try and understand anything outside of that. I don't know. This hair cutting thing hits me deep. I would love to walk up to them and say "Fuck you, you arrogant, discriminating assholes! My hair is who I am dammit! If you can't see past it, then fuck you! I don't need to work for some asshole who doesn't understand human expression!" But I still need a job.

-Last Direction Change :P -

Well side from that, things have been good. One maybe weird thing, was last night I was out to dinner with friends, and as I was sitting there I looked around at the table. One side had my friend and his girl across from me, and on the side I sat was me and another guy friend. I looked across at her and then over at my friend sitting next to me and thought that if I were a girl it would be so cool. Like she would have another girl in the group to talk to and he could have a girl. Hehe, many thoughts crossed my mind right then and there. Ohhhhh to be a girl! But then I looked at him again and realized, he would totally not be my type. Hahaha.

Little things like that really make me believe that if I were a girl my life would be better. Like if I were a girl I would not have to hide such feelings. I could express myself more freely as a woman. Like I know it took many years to fully express my musical love to the rest of the world as I do now. I definitely do not make my love of music hidden, it's out there in the open, right up front and I am incredibly proud of it. I wish I could do that with my desire to be female, but I guess it will either just take time or never happen. I hope all it takes is time. Being trapped and not being able to express your true feelings really sucks. I think I am moving towards being able to express myself truly though, which I think is good. :)

Thoughts, comments, questions? Post 'em below or email me. :)

Still Down

Where oh where to begin... Well I guess I could start by saying that since my terrible day, things have gotten better I suppose. Although it feels like that day never did die and lingers with me still. I don't remember feeling this down so much in like years. It feels like I want something more from life, that like what I have or what I am is not me. I have had this feeling since like forever that this life I'm living is out of place. I've always fantasized about having a different life for as long as I can remember. I guess it never really hit me that maybe all that wanting a different life quite possibly is the reason why I would want to be female. It makes sense to me that that is the answer. But it just, idk... And I'm back to the telling other people story and the acceptance thing. I don't know...

Like my mind has been a complete mess the past week and a half. My desire is very strong and it gets me down that I cannot fulfill my desire right now. Like today, all morning I was dwelling on it. It was kinda strange, cause my mind told me that I was sad and feeling down, yet my insides felt like they were aroused at wanting to be female. I don't know how to describe this feeling really. It feels like its below my stomach, but above my privates. It feels like a kinda anxious, knotty, sorta scared feeling, sense of arousal feeling. Idk, it kinda reminds of how a girl once told me it felt to her to be aroused. Yet I do not get hard with this feeling. But I know it has to be related to being aroused or turned on. Like whenever I got a thought of something that I know turns me on or saw any form of sexy woman, it was like a surge that went through me. It was like the feeling instantly intensified and then went back down. It felt so good.

But like still with this good feeling, I still feel down. Maybe it's because that the feeling doesn't fit the body it's in. Like it's taking place in the wrong body, that I do not have the right equipment to fully enjoy it. Things like this drive me insane thinking about them. And it's what I think about when I feel like this. It's not like I try to think about it, it just pops in my head.

*Sigh* I wish there was an answer, a solution that would make me happy and let me still have a life where everyone accepts me. Tina, you said it perfectly. I too wish I could just go away and start over somewhere and just be me, who I really am, not hide anything, and everybody accepts that, accepts me.

Thoughts, comments, questions? Post 'em below or email me.

Sometimes I Hate my Life...

I think I've been having a false sense of all is well. Today was just a total mind fuck. I've been on a roller coaster of emotions all day, but for the most part I've just felt so down, so depressed. Today I actually hated my body the way it is. I don't know what is going on in my head anymore. It seems more and more all I think about is my desire. But today, today was just really fucked up.

I awoke this morning from a dream. Well a nightmare might describe it better. In this dream I came out to my family. I sat them all down at once and explained myself, who I was on the inside and that my outside did not match. In this dream I even went as far as to say I would be changing myself to match my inside. Well in my dream they did not take it very well, they called me very hurtful names. There was no love or compassion shown at all. The dream ended with all of them leaving the room, insulting me. I woke up feeling terrible.

The rest of the day was no different. Up and down, most of the time down. All that has been going through my mind all day is my desire. Yet unlike my last day with my desire, this one was not a happy experience. My stomach has been churning all day. At one point I looked down at myself and saw ugliness. What I saw was not what I wanted to see. I would have given anything at that moment to remove the unwanted appendage between my legs. This has been the first time I have ever had such thoughts. At another point during the day, I buried my head in my pillow and let it out. I cried for the first time in years.

The rest of the roller coaster was filled with hate, anger and a brief moment of happiness. the happiness came when I wrote a caption. You'll see it when I update my caption blog on Tuesday. It's what I wished would really come true today. The anger came when I was online and a person who I consider a friend just pissed me off at something they did. There was a bit of time when everything was feeling like at ease. This was when I was talking with my online sister. She always makes me feel better, I love her dearly. Yet despite being able to talk to her today, I was unable to overcome my fucked up mood. I even could not snap my mood with music. Although I can't stop listening to a certian song at the moment.

I wish this day over. I hope tomorrow is far better. I wish I knew why I was so fucked up. Sometimes I just hate my life...

Thoughts, questions, or comments. Post 'em below or email me.

Control

So today definitely ranked as one of those days where it is quite obvious that my desire is growing stronger. Today like really felt like Isobelle was in control of my mind. I mean she was there, all day. Like she seriously would not go away. Not that Ireally cared though. I mean it was a good day, the sun was shining bright in the blue sky, the temperature was moderate for this time of year. It was a day that just lifted your spirits and to have my mind just be happy and roam where it wanted to was really cool.

So the whole mood of the day began right when I woke up. I hate waking up early, but have to, and I'm always very sluggish for the first few minutes. So I drag my feet out from the covers and put them on the floor and sit up. As I sat up a vision rushed into my mind. There I was just above a guy laying down, his dick hard and straight up in the air. I felt myself grab him and guide his hardness into my pussy as I lowered myself on to him. I heard myself go "MMmmmmmmmm" I so wanted this to last forever, but the vision vanished as my grogginess left me and I began to wake up.

Next came the most shocking moment of the day for me. As I was pulling into my work's parking lot I noticed something. It was just a simple observation of where a car was parked, nothing really out of the ordinary, but something came over me right then and there. An involuntary impulse I guess you call it. I fucking giggled, out loud, at what I saw. It wasn't a snicker, a laugh, a chuckle, it was a giggle. I couldn't believe what I just did. I stopped the car and went "What the hell was that? Did I seriously just do that?" I mean never have I giggled out loud like that before. I didn't know what to think. So I just sorta shook it off and said to myself "Be quite Izzy, you can't come out now, I have to go to work!" But did she listen? NO!

The rest of the day was filled with thoughts of just being Isobelle, thoughts about what things would be like to make a transition, thinking of my body how it would look as the other gender. Today was a day of Isobelle. There was even one point where I got so horny during the day I began to moan out loud as I envisioned my self as a female exploring my new feminine body. Luckily I was the only one around. ( Yes I'm positive I was alone. I was the only one in the vehicle :P ) And then there was the part where I saw this woman, who was close to my current size and build, and all I could think was "Damn, I can look like that. She's fucking sexy as hell, her body so wonderful..." I always loose words when that happens. Gets me excited though, and makes me think.

So I guess if I had to put a description on what today was, I'd call it a fun and interesting day. I was very pleased with it. :)

Thoughts, questions, comments? Post 'em below or email me. Laters all. :)