My Heart Aches, but My Hair Smells Nice

There has been much pain in my heart lately. So much of my dreams rely on finding a source of income that would allow me to further myself. The problem is the job market where I live is not offering much. I have been searching, but so far, nothing.

Its not only the fact that my dreams are still on hold that is getting to me, its winter. Winter as a whole, I do not like. Snow can beautiful but that's it. The cold, bitter winds, and lack of green life make the Earth seem in a death like state. The trees reduced to skeletons as their leafy flesh is stripped away from the cold. The green grass and wondrous flowers have lost their luster and have been buried under the blankets of nature's own white death. The animals have all gone away in search of places where life still exists. Winter is cold, reminiscent of death. Winter puts me in a morbid mood. I'm tired of this season. I yearn to see green and life once again.

Perhaps someday I'll move to a place that does not see such harsh winters. The future is an amazing thing, sometimes it's unfortunate that today has to come before tomorrow.

I suppose a positive is that my hair does in fact smell nice. I tried a different conditioner. A girl I work with suggested it to me. She said she uses it and loves it and said it might help to tame my wild hair. I must say that it has helped. My hair is not as frizzy and seems to be softer. I have also noticed less knots in my hair too. I think I'm going to stick with this conditioner because I have definitely noticed an improvement in my hair's appearance. The conditioner I'm using now is Pantene. I would recommend it for sure.

I just wish spring would hurry up and get here.

Read a Book

I read a book over the weekend. I heard about this book from a person whom I follow their vlogs on youtube. SamanthaZero34 if you are curious. The book is Understanding Transgender Diversity: A Sensible Explanation of Sexual and Gender Identities by Claire Ruth Winter. This was the first book I've read that deals with the subject of transgenderism. I typically don't read many books, those that know me know I would more prefer to sit and listen to music.

Anyway. I just felt compelled to read this book, like I should read it. So a quick trip to amazon.com and it was on it's way to my mailbox. It is a shorter book, being only around 190 pages long. Well worth the read though.

I really can't say that I learned anything new by reading this book, (I learn quite a bit from browsing around the internet and talking to others) but I am still glad I took the time to read it. If anything it was a great reassurance of all the feelings and ideas I have within me. Although the book is geared toward helping others understand the idea of what it means to be transgender and the struggles, both inner and outer, that we as transgender people face, it is still note worthy for anybody to read. And since I'm terrible at book reviews, this is what the editorial review states:

"Understanding Transgender Diversity presents a fresh and remarkably clear look at the highly individual nature of human sexuality: why a vast spectrum of self-identities-including those we call "transgender"-will always exist. Part I offers a new model of human sexuality that's both logical and intuitive, enhanced by many creative diagrams and the author's personal experience. Part II provides a well-organized overview of the myriad forms of transgender expression, while Part III sheds thought-provoking light on the many kinds of relationships we can have with transgender people and how best to cope with and benefit from these. Though relatively short, this book is rich in content, written in an engaging and often witty style that draws you in from the beginning and keeps you reading with fascination to the end."

The one big thing that I really loved about this book was the idea that we are all humans and all individuals that was presented in the text. Each of us has this core identity, sometimes this is buried deep within us under layers and layers of social conditioning. It is because of society and the history of humans and our nature to segregate and label everything we are that sometimes to be our true selves puts us on the outside of what is considered "normal" or deviant from the social average. To show the world our true self is often the riskiest thing we can do in life. The idea being that we as humans must unlearn what we've been taught and learn to live with open minds. We are all humans after all and each of us with our own identity that makes each of us unique and different from one another, but that at it's core is what it means to be human.

This is something I strongly believe in. I would not be on this journey otherwise. I learned long ago, mostly through the music I listen to and personal experience, that society suppresses and ostracizes that which does not fit within its mold of what it believes a human should be. That's okay with me though. The other thing I learned is that I like being here on the outside. I know that I am striving to be an individual in this world, to know my true self. If that puts me on the outside for who I am, so be it. At least out here I can be with others who took a stand and said "I am who I am and I'm not going to be anybody else because I can't." Out here we can see the faults and try to educate others and make this world a better place.

I know that I would not trade the life I have for any other in this world. The life I am living, the path I am on, makes me who I am, makes me an individual, makes me human. Sure everything is not the best all the time and I've a long way to go, but I know I am getting in touch with my core identity. This journey is my own and no one else has the same experiences as I do. I am an individual and will continue to be one until the day I die.

"This above all: to thine own self be true." - William Shakespeare

Happy New Year: Take Two

I feel like writing since my mood is far lifted from what it has been the past week. My mood was just about at an all time low. Most of the past week I spent sleeping, feeling like shit, and just crying. I don't know what triggered it though, I just woke up like that one day last week. I know I couldn't shake it though, it was just there, always there, dragging me down. It effected every part of my life too because several times I got asked by those close to me if I was alright. I just really don't know what caused it though, or why it lasted as long as it did. I do know though, what was on my mind the entire time.

Womanhood. Becoming a woman and transitioning. That is what was on my mind the entire time. Everytime I would think about it I would be left in tears. Every thought clawed at my heart. I was in so much pain. It felt almost like my spirit broke down and I was left in ruins. As I looked at all the shattered pieces of my life, trying to put them back together, I realized something. In my heart I know the answer. In my heart I know exactly what I want. I didn't deny it or try to hide it or try to make an excuse and cover it up.

With tear filled eyes and the stains of dried tears on my cheeks I opened my mouth and said aloud to myself exactly what my heart was saying to me. I want more than anything to have my body changed to match my insides. Tears began to flow again as I spoke my heart, "I want to be a woman and I want to try to do whatever I must to make it happen." At long last happiness broke through. It was like a 200 ton weight was lifted from my shoulders. I felt calm and relaxed.

That was a couple of days ago. I do not take back what I said though. I do want to be a woman and I do want to try and do whatever it takes to get there. That does not mean, however, that I have decided to transition. It means I want to and I am not denying that fact. It means that not much really will change at this point, other than I feel a great comfort knowing this fact about myself and accepting it. Before I was never quite sure, never quite 100% there if I wanted it or not. That doubt is gone, my heart has spoken.

Again, my spirits are so lifted right now, I'm so happy. I even decided to do some cleaning over the weekend because I was feeling better. One of the things I faced was part of one of my New Year's Resolutions. I cleaned out my liquor cabinet. (Yes I do have an actual cabinet :P ) I cleaned it all out. All that is left are a few glasses and shot glasses and an empty bottle of brandy. (I thought the bottle looked interesting and would make a good shelf decoration someday. So I kept it.) I am really serious about this drinking less. I don't want to say I am quitting, I still like being able to indulge every once in a while with some friends. I just really want to cut back. There are very deep personal reasons behind this. Something happened back in November, on my birthday of all days, that really opened my eyes. It was nothing I did, but a family member. I was really upset at what happened. Yes this thing involved alcohol. I just remember in December I was drinking a little more than I usually do. I woke up one morning with a hangover and realized if I stay on this path someday I may end up like that family member. I don't want that. I never want that.

There is a song I listen to everyday that reminds me of that family member and why I never want to be like that. I've been listening to it everyday since my birthday. Yes it brings some anger with it, but for me it is a positive reminder of everything. I may share it if anybody really wants to know.

So my year got off to a bit of a rough start. Right now I have a fresh positive vibe within me. I have a goal and determination. I have inspiration. I know what lies in heart.

Bye Bye 2010

Well Christmas has past and the year 2010 is in the history books. Aside from the leaps and bounds I've made discovering myself, it has been a rather uneventful year for me. I've made some new friends, good ones too, and lost a job. I saw more live music this past year than I have ever seen before. I suppose all in all it was a good year.

Despite that, December has been utter torment upon my very being. Work has taken it's toll on me and I am worn out past being worn out. All I've done is work and sleep. When I'm awake I can't keep my mind focused on anything long enough to do something. I feel almost like a mindless drone who has been running on Monster Energy the whole month. I've had a few days break now and I'm starting to feel more like myself again.

The new year has arrived. I don't usually see this as a really big event, sorta like the going away party for Christmas every year. All the decorations are put away, stores have one last big sale event, all the festivities come to a close, and the calendar tells us we have ended an age and are beginning a new one. Being in the middle of winter, I don't usually see this as a new beginning to anything, other than I have to change calendars. Spring time feels more like rebirth and new beginnings to me, but ohh well.

In spite of that, I have made a few resolutions for the new year. First and foremost, I have decided that I want to drink less alcohol this year. There are a lot of personal reasons behind this, ones that involve family and me not wanting to be like certain people. I'm doing good on this one so far, this was the first New Years in a long while that I did not drink at all. It was very nice to wake up without a headache and go searching for the toilet first thing after I stood up. Second is the ever popular lose weight. Last year I didn't do good on that one, I ended the year the same as when I started, no gain, but no loss either. Third is an easy one, be true to myself. That's pretty much it. They are simple and ones that most likely won't get broken or set aside for next year.

For the time being I am going to take a break from writing captions. I just feel like I've lost my groove and have been out of it. I have, however, been reading captions alot lately. They have bringing back many feelings that I have not felt in some time. Including that burning desire to be female. It feels good to have this feeling, it gives me a sort of peace inside. I feel happy when I can imagine myself as a woman, picture myself in everyday life as a woman. I even had a dream about it last night. It wasn't anything spectacular, just me as a woman walking around at a concert. I do remember the most visual part of this dream was me putting on makeup before leaving the house. That was interesting, I never had that in a dream before, at least that I can remember.

Well that's my little update. Happy New Year to all! :)

A Response

I would like to respond to a comment left by Kathryn. Kathryn commented on my last post by saying:

Dear Isobelle: Reading your post, I realized that I needed to let it settle for a few days, re-read it, and now I am ready to write to you.

There are three themes if you will that emerge from your words. Your thoughts and feelings about yourself, how those thoughts and feelings will ultimate relate to world you live in and finally what is the consequence?

Your thoughts about your parents are so driven by fear, of loss, of lack of understanding and of sadness. It is so clear from your words that you love your parents. In your words I taste the bitterness of having failed but you have not tried. In understanding the reactions of those around us knowing the difficulties they will face we learn to speak to and approach them with the right words and I am sure you will too. But this is not the first hurdle you face, and it should not be attempted before the first one is conquered.

I freshly remember the feelings that you describe, the growing knowledge, the moments when I could name what drove me, the realization that I was a woman born with the wrong body. I sought counsel from professionals that knew this field and they helped not in defining what I was, but in preparing the decision that invariably we all must make. Will we act on our knowledge? This step for me was not validation of my feelings and thoughts, but rather the foundation to make the decision.

This choice is never about means. Throughout my life I have found that if you know what you need to do the means can and will be found. It must be made first, how to implement it comes second.

And you have friends that accompany your travels with love

Kathryn

First of all, thank you for the comment Kathryn. I read your blog every time you put up a new post. I find it inspirational and very interesting. There are some things though that I would like to address about your comment.

You said that "In your words I taste the bitterness of having failed but you have not tried." In response I would say that I do not write about everything that happens in my life here. I only choose to post what I feel is most relevant at the time and also I do not want to give too much away about myself in order to maintain some anonymity. However I will say that many times I feel I have tried and failed in life and many times more feel I have tried and failed in my parents expectations of me.

As far as failing in my parents expectations of me, I will give a few examples. At an early age I was encouraged to play sports. When I was 6 years old I was signed up to play tee ball. I didn't really care for it all that much. When on the field I was put in the outfield. Now at that age an outfielder doesn't see much action, the ball rarely visited me out there. But when I was out there, I was much more content to watching the butterflies or picking the dandelions out there than actually paying attention to game. After 2 years of tee ball I told my parents I didn't want to play anymore. They seemed fine with my decision and did not force me to play anymore. When I was 9 years old I tried playing basketball. Again I was encouraged by my parents that this would be a good thing to do. I only played one season and decided once again that sports were just not for me. Again my parents seemed fine with this but I feel that I failed them. They wanted me to play sports. I don't think they wanted it for the athletic part, but more for me to develop myself as a boy, to gain friends, to gain confidence in myself, the basis of what sports for young men is supposed to do. I never gained any friends, or confidence, or really developed my maleness any further by playing sports. That is why I feel I failed them.

When I was 10 my curiosity of music developed. My parents noticed this and encouraged me to try playing an instrument. When I was 11 I attempted to play an instrument in the school band. My parents got me a saxophone and I went to band practice every week. Once again I feel that my parents expectations of this venture were the same for the sports. Once again I feel I failed them because I gave up after about a year. Years later I took up playing guitar. I learned at my own pace and played the music I wanted to play. I have been playing now for nearly 8 years. I think this was not expected by my parents after my first failed attempt at music. They never really seemed to encourage me in guitar playing. Perhaps it is because of the music I play.

College is one of the big things I feel I failed at. Everybody had high expectations for me when I graduated high school and enrolled in college. I was among the top students in my high school class. My friends, my family, everybody that knew me told me that I was for sure going to succeed, that I was going to go far in life. I struggled in college. It became a living hell to me. I hated it. For 6 years I did this. Finally I had enough and dropped out. I could feel the disappointment surrounding me. I knew I failed. Everybody looked at me differently after this. I was no longer a shining beacon that praises were showered upon. Nobody bothered talking to me about what went wrong, how I could have failed at something that I was supposed to be good at. It was failure, nobody wants to be associated with it. This past fall I went back and got my Associates Degree. Nobody went out of their way to say congratulations, nobody said "Alright! You did it!", nobody cared. I think the disappointment of failure is still hanging in the air. Most of all I know I failed my parents because they wanted to see me succeed and I did not.

I have tried at many things in life and many times failed. I know the feeling of putting your heart into something and falling flat on your face. I know the feeling of loss because I failed at someones expectations of me. I tried being all my parents wanted of me and for me, I failed at most of it.

Let me explain what I meant by the word "means". I am not financially able to do anything more at this point in my life. I have decided that I am not going to make my choice until that happens. Even though I say that, I'm sure that if I look deep enough into my heart I've prolly already made my choice. I'm more likely waiting on the means to fall into place so I can act. In the meantime, I keep expanding my knowledge, I keep searching for answers to questions that I have.

Thank you again for the comment. It made me think about things. :)

Another Year of Learning

Well, another birthday is just around the corner for me. For the first time in my life my age and getting older has become a concern for me. I am only in my mid twenties, but physically I know my body is getting older. Despite how my mind feels, I am no longer a teenager. For some reason life doesn’t seem so endless anymore. I am no longer at the beginning.

I’ve been in deep thought over this. There are choices that I have to make concerning my life. Things that are on my mind from the time I wake up until the moment I fall asleep and then even in my dreams. I speak of course of transgenderism, transsexualism, and my desire to be female.

I know I am transgendered. I’ve never said it here, but it is something I realized and accepted about myself. I am a transsexual. I do strongly feel that deep down under this male flesh is a wonderful woman. I know this because I can feel it in my heart. When I let go of all the pressures of the world, when I just open up and not worry about anything and just be myself, that self is female in nature. The way I act, the way I think, the way I talk is all female. All the male programming I’ve had throughout my entire life fades away.

Most of my life I thought those things were bad or wrong, that if I showed any of the outside world those feelings that... Well I never knew exactly what the world would think of me. I always felt though that I could not open up to my parents because the raised me to be a man, their son. How could I tell them something that, in their eyes, would destroy that sense of pride in having a son? I am their first born son and I know my father takes pride in that. I’ve gone through all the typical father/son things. He did try teaching me things about being a man. I didn’t always like them, but I thought that being a man was what I was supposed to be. It’s strange though how in the same day my dad would be teaching me about the inner workings of a car’s engine and how to fix it, then later that night after everybody was asleep I would dress up.

But I knew I could never tell my parents when I was growing up. I have seen just how close minded my father is. He believes a man is a man and should act like one. He is pretty vocal about this and I know when I started growing my hair out, he was greatly opposed to it. I always felt if I open up to him, he would disown me. My mother is questionable. I cannot be sure how she would take it. I would like to think that she is loving enough and compassionate enough to understand, but at the same time I know she does have closed minded tendencies. I was too scared growing up to say anything. I wanted to be normal, I wanted to try my best to please my parents, and that meant being a son, being a man.

So I kept my feelings and actions hidden. I even tried hiding them from myself because I knew what I was thinking and doing was not part of what I thought I was supposed to be. I knew there was something different about me though.

Skipping back to the present, here I am today. I have learned many things, I am adopting my own set of standards and beliefs. I have my own set of values of what is right and wrong, of what makes a person a good human being, of what is acceptable, of what is not. I have developed my own ideas about this thing called life. Many of those things differ, sometimes greatly, from the things that my parents raised me on.

So what does all that mean? It means I am going through life with an open mindset. It means I am indeed finding out just who I am. I am not closing any doors to any path for my future. Included in that set of paths is transitioning. Will I? I’m not 100% sure just yet. Can I? Yes, yes I can. I feel I would be a much happier person if I did, I feel that my true self lies in womanhood, I feel it would be obtaining a sense of freedom in myself, to be myself. But the big question is, will I? I don’t have the means right now to make that choice for sure, but as soon as I do, I will figure that answer out. I want to know, I have to know.

In the meantime I am just trying to make the best of what each day gives me. I find happiness where I can, mostly in music and friends. For now they suffice in keeping me going but I know there is a void in my being, I feel it. At least I can say I think I’m on the right path to filling that void with what has always been missing.

Deeper and Deeper I go into my Very Being, I Think I Should Have Brought a Flashlight...

Life's progress seems to have stalled. Recently I have just been lacking enthusiasm to do really anything. I think part of it is because as I'm trying to get things in order with my life and working my way out to hit the job trail to get a real job, I'm realizing things. Things I've tried to avoid or have avoided for most of my life.

The world out there sees me as a man and expects me to act and dress like one. I've always had trouble in acting like a man in how typical society and typical gender roles says a man should be. I've always felt sub-par in the man role. I have always felt the need that I have to constantly prove my manhood to others, especially other men. Around a group of guys, especially ones who proudly call themselves men, I feel out of place, like I don't fit in. I've tried acting like them to feel like I would fit in better, but it always has a fake feel to it to me.

As far as dressing like man, well that depends. If you are going by the suit and tie world, I hate that. the last time I wore a suit I was but a little kid. Never in my adult life have I worn a suit. I hate suits. I hate mens dress wear too. I've only wore a tie on a handful of occasions. I don't like them, I don't like how I look in them, I feel they don't belong on me. When I did have to dress formally for something, usually like a wedding, special event, or funeral, I felt like the clothes I was wearing were out of place on me. I would see my self in the mirror and hate how I looked.

Those two things are weighing heavily on my mind as I consider possible areas in which to seek out jobs. But I know I have to get a better job in order to move my life forward. It's strange though how I can put on something that would be considered like office formal for a woman and I look at myself and I like the way I look, I feel as if I belong in those clothes.

Since my last post here I have started a personal diary/journal type thing for myself. I've been adding to it daily and what I add I just let out whatever I feel I have to say. I've gone back a few times and read what I wrote the day before and am surprised at how deep I got, how personal, how revealing, I got. I'm going to share a few things I've wrote, edited of course to not reveal too much about myself.

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I had a dream last night/this morning. It started out that I was at work working with my brother and _. We were moving stuff around and just having a good time. We all went to the stock room area and there were a bunch of people there. One of which was one of my old teachers from high school. I avoided him. He likes to talk a lot and can get kind of annoying. Then my brother finds me and asks if I seen him. I said yes. Then all of a sudden we were at like this party thing. I found myself wearing this black knee length dress, knee high heeled boots, panty hose and a bra. I took a seat in the room near my brother. He asked again if I saw our old teacher. I said yes and said I prolly should go say hi. So I got up walked over and said hi, my choice of clothes never affecting me, but I liked them. I said hi, he asked how I was doing, blah blah blah, normal conversation. Then he asked why I was dressed like I was. I looked down at myself then back up at him and said “Ya know, just wanted to do something crazy.” Then I was sitting on the floor in this room with my brother and his girl, still in the dress. I told them I should put my guy clothes back on because people were getting wierded out and I had my fun. The bathroom down the hall was occupied by some girl taking a bath singing some Russian song or something. So I went up stairs, turned out to be my house. My clothes changed again. This time I wore this red feltish like material dress of the same length, but around the bust area it was sheer. You could see the white bra I had on underneath. I was tiptoeing around upstairs to avoid my dad now. I grabbed this white faux fur coat and went back down stairs. As I walked down the stairs I put the coat on and was thinking something to the effect of “People just don’t understand” Then the dream ended.

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I went paint balling for the first time ever a few weeks ago and wrote this about it: Paintballing was interesting. I was starting to really have fun with it too, then my gun hit its own self destruct button and blew itself apart. I was surprised because I did not get like a rush of testosterone like I thought was going to happen. I was just out there having fun, my maleness never playing a factor. Although I will admit that those in the military are far braver than me, I can’t imagine the fear one must have during a real fire fight where people do actually die. It must be super intense.

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I did go to this store that was having a big clearance sale with mom after dinner because I needed some new guy clothes. Walking around looking at all the guy clothes is so boring. I hate guy clothes, I never find anything that I can really say I love. I did notice that as I was walking up and down the long isles, I was swaying my hips as if I was walking more feminine. I did this subconsciously. I didn’t realize it at first, I just knew I was walking different because I was tired. But then I noticed I was definitely swaying my hips. At this point I didn’t care, I was too tired to care, so I kept at it. It felt good though, to walk like that.

We walked around the store to see what else they had. They are moving, so everything is on clearance. I was curious to see if there was anything worth coming back for on my own. Possibly some new shoes? But nope, the shoe selection was horrible and at quick glance, nothing in my size. They still had tons of women’s clothes though. Lots of dresses. Things I’m too scared to buy. I would love to go shopping though and pick out an outfit or two or four. My heart was pulling at me as we walked past the rows and rows of women’s clothes. They were so much more diverse than the guys section. I saw at a glance many things I would love. I could have spent hours bargain hunting for delicious outfits. It’s so fucking hard to deny myself the simple indulgence of shopping for clothes I would love. Fear. It is fear that denies me, that which holds me back.

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I'll share more in future posts. There is much more, and far deeper things as well, things I may not ever share here because of how personal they are. But I do know one thing though, the pieces of Isobelle seem to be falling in place as to what role she plays in my future.

P.S. For those interested, I do have a facebook page now. I blame Tina for it. I made it spontaneously, without thought. I'm not sure what I really hope to accomplish from this, but it is yet another step into exploring and finding out who I am. If you're going to add me, send me a message please.