Deeper and Deeper I go into my Very Being, I Think I Should Have Brought a Flashlight...

Life's progress seems to have stalled. Recently I have just been lacking enthusiasm to do really anything. I think part of it is because as I'm trying to get things in order with my life and working my way out to hit the job trail to get a real job, I'm realizing things. Things I've tried to avoid or have avoided for most of my life.

The world out there sees me as a man and expects me to act and dress like one. I've always had trouble in acting like a man in how typical society and typical gender roles says a man should be. I've always felt sub-par in the man role. I have always felt the need that I have to constantly prove my manhood to others, especially other men. Around a group of guys, especially ones who proudly call themselves men, I feel out of place, like I don't fit in. I've tried acting like them to feel like I would fit in better, but it always has a fake feel to it to me.

As far as dressing like man, well that depends. If you are going by the suit and tie world, I hate that. the last time I wore a suit I was but a little kid. Never in my adult life have I worn a suit. I hate suits. I hate mens dress wear too. I've only wore a tie on a handful of occasions. I don't like them, I don't like how I look in them, I feel they don't belong on me. When I did have to dress formally for something, usually like a wedding, special event, or funeral, I felt like the clothes I was wearing were out of place on me. I would see my self in the mirror and hate how I looked.

Those two things are weighing heavily on my mind as I consider possible areas in which to seek out jobs. But I know I have to get a better job in order to move my life forward. It's strange though how I can put on something that would be considered like office formal for a woman and I look at myself and I like the way I look, I feel as if I belong in those clothes.

Since my last post here I have started a personal diary/journal type thing for myself. I've been adding to it daily and what I add I just let out whatever I feel I have to say. I've gone back a few times and read what I wrote the day before and am surprised at how deep I got, how personal, how revealing, I got. I'm going to share a few things I've wrote, edited of course to not reveal too much about myself.

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I had a dream last night/this morning. It started out that I was at work working with my brother and _. We were moving stuff around and just having a good time. We all went to the stock room area and there were a bunch of people there. One of which was one of my old teachers from high school. I avoided him. He likes to talk a lot and can get kind of annoying. Then my brother finds me and asks if I seen him. I said yes. Then all of a sudden we were at like this party thing. I found myself wearing this black knee length dress, knee high heeled boots, panty hose and a bra. I took a seat in the room near my brother. He asked again if I saw our old teacher. I said yes and said I prolly should go say hi. So I got up walked over and said hi, my choice of clothes never affecting me, but I liked them. I said hi, he asked how I was doing, blah blah blah, normal conversation. Then he asked why I was dressed like I was. I looked down at myself then back up at him and said “Ya know, just wanted to do something crazy.” Then I was sitting on the floor in this room with my brother and his girl, still in the dress. I told them I should put my guy clothes back on because people were getting wierded out and I had my fun. The bathroom down the hall was occupied by some girl taking a bath singing some Russian song or something. So I went up stairs, turned out to be my house. My clothes changed again. This time I wore this red feltish like material dress of the same length, but around the bust area it was sheer. You could see the white bra I had on underneath. I was tiptoeing around upstairs to avoid my dad now. I grabbed this white faux fur coat and went back down stairs. As I walked down the stairs I put the coat on and was thinking something to the effect of “People just don’t understand” Then the dream ended.

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I went paint balling for the first time ever a few weeks ago and wrote this about it: Paintballing was interesting. I was starting to really have fun with it too, then my gun hit its own self destruct button and blew itself apart. I was surprised because I did not get like a rush of testosterone like I thought was going to happen. I was just out there having fun, my maleness never playing a factor. Although I will admit that those in the military are far braver than me, I can’t imagine the fear one must have during a real fire fight where people do actually die. It must be super intense.

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I did go to this store that was having a big clearance sale with mom after dinner because I needed some new guy clothes. Walking around looking at all the guy clothes is so boring. I hate guy clothes, I never find anything that I can really say I love. I did notice that as I was walking up and down the long isles, I was swaying my hips as if I was walking more feminine. I did this subconsciously. I didn’t realize it at first, I just knew I was walking different because I was tired. But then I noticed I was definitely swaying my hips. At this point I didn’t care, I was too tired to care, so I kept at it. It felt good though, to walk like that.

We walked around the store to see what else they had. They are moving, so everything is on clearance. I was curious to see if there was anything worth coming back for on my own. Possibly some new shoes? But nope, the shoe selection was horrible and at quick glance, nothing in my size. They still had tons of women’s clothes though. Lots of dresses. Things I’m too scared to buy. I would love to go shopping though and pick out an outfit or two or four. My heart was pulling at me as we walked past the rows and rows of women’s clothes. They were so much more diverse than the guys section. I saw at a glance many things I would love. I could have spent hours bargain hunting for delicious outfits. It’s so fucking hard to deny myself the simple indulgence of shopping for clothes I would love. Fear. It is fear that denies me, that which holds me back.

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I'll share more in future posts. There is much more, and far deeper things as well, things I may not ever share here because of how personal they are. But I do know one thing though, the pieces of Isobelle seem to be falling in place as to what role she plays in my future.

P.S. For those interested, I do have a facebook page now. I blame Tina for it. I made it spontaneously, without thought. I'm not sure what I really hope to accomplish from this, but it is yet another step into exploring and finding out who I am. If you're going to add me, send me a message please.

I Quit...

Life is extremely difficult and the decisions we make define us, they are what tells the rest of the world who we are and who we are going to be. I have made a difficult decision after nearly two weeks of stress and utter hell that effected me to very core of who I am. It all began early last week. Combined with a trip to the dentist, (which is never fun, those drills are just a hellish nightmare) and my work bringing up the issue once again about the length of my hair set the mood for one bad day. That is where the mood came from for that last blog post.

Thank you to everybody who cared enough to leave a comment or send me an email or was there for me talk to. I know I am not ugly or any of the other stuff I said, but I felt so down. The pain of the day was just overwhelming and for me it always helps to get the bad feelings out. Usually I just vent through music but sometimes I feel the need to vent more. That is when I pick up a pen, or a keyboard, and try to put my feelings to words. But again, I do sincerely appreciate all the love I was shown, I was left with tears in my eyes because of it. Thank you all again. :)

But things did not get any better from there. Everyday last week I was confronted at work about my hair, once even by one of the owners. I remained defiant in caving to their demands. As the week went on I began to get this sickening fear that I was going to lose my job. Friday came and my boss gave me the weekend off to think about everything. He told me he hoped I do the right thing.

The weekend was long and stressful. I thought about everything and the reasons why. Monday came and back to work I went. Halfway through the day I was confronted again. I left for lunch in tears, but did not give them the satisfaction of seeing my pain. I came back from lunch, after composing myself, and told my boss that I will not cut my hair and that if they have to, fire me. I held my breath in fear. But I did not get fired. My boss said he could not do it. He confessed to me that it is wrong that I should have to cut my hair. He said he did not want his name associated with this. I left work early, but a little comforted that I know that my boss knew it was wrong.

Tuesday was rather uneventful. No talks at all about my hair. Wednesday I took the day off. I had a job interview with the job I left last December for this one. They hired me back on the spot, although it will mean less pay. So the event for today was set up.

I quit my job this morning. I quit because I just cannot work for somebody who does not respect me as a human being. I quit because they wanted me to be some one who I am not. I quit because my hair means so much more to me than just growing it out for the music I love. I quit my job this morning because I am transgendered and my hair helps define who I am. I quit because I cannot be anybody other than myself.

So as I sit here, typing this, reflecting on what has transpired, I think. I have no regret for what I've done. I am glad I had the courage to take a stand for something I believe in, which is freedom of human expression. We are all humans and each of us has a different view of how we should live our lives as individuals and as long as we are not hurting anyone else, we should be free to do so. How we look or present ourselves should not matter, although those are things that define us, the focus should be on how we act and how much goodness is in our hearts and souls.

And as I think even more I can't help but think, can't help but wonder. Is this the start of the path I am choosing? Have I already chose my path and is this one of many things to come along that path? I still don't know where my life will go, my mind likes to over analyze things. But I know I do things that I don't know why I do them, or I do them against all reason, like quitting a job because I refuse to get a hair cut to their liking. I like to believe that in times like that, it is not my mind guiding me, but rather my heart and soul.

I am Ugly

I wrote this just now, an attempt to put my pain to words. Life seems to have me cornered once again, but before I fight my way out, I'll sit here and cry and shed my pain in tears...

I am ugly

I am unwanted and unloved

I am undesired

Nobody wants me and I don't blame them

My inner beauty scarred and hidden

No sympathy I've been given

I am ugly, unwanted, unloved, undesired

My reflection brings pain

No comfort, not even in the rain

Tears are my only true friend

I am ugly, unwanted, unloved, undesired

The burning bright light of hope

In my mind, a faint flicker

How am I to cope?

Life sure is a kicker

I am ugly, unwanted, unloved, undesired

I know it's true

It has defined my existance

From birth, it has gone the distance

Yet I feel I know the cause

The wretch of a body I was cursed with

I am ugly, unwanted, unloved, undesired

I am undesired

I am unloved and unwanted

I am ugly

Going Deeper and Deeper...

Well it’s been almost near forever since I last made a post here. A lot has happened in the past two months, well maybe not that much, but I’ve been busy nonetheless. Busy in all areas of my life too. So just a warning now that this may be longer and please excuse my rambling. :)

I guess I’ll start with things that have made me happy, kept me positive. I’ve been spending more time with my friends in real life. They don’t know about Isobelle, but it is just nice to have friends who you can be around and just be yourself, well almost yourself, lol. But I do enjoy the time I spend with them. It just seems that when we are together having a good time, everything else in the world just takes a back seat, ya know? Problems, jobs, worries, anything that concerns you just disappears. I like the carefree time we share together.

I kinda got obsessed with two video games since last time. I’ve never been much of a gamer, though I do always manage to keep up with current gaming technology. I do have a PS3 and a 360 which I got earlier this year. For the most part they both just sat and collected dust, I would play a game or two occasionally. But that has changed. A friend of mine introduced me to two games that I’ve been playing nonstop. Mass Effect and Mass Effect 2. I just can’t stop playing them. I don’t know what it is about them but they just attract me in some way.

But the biggest thing that has kept my happy going is music. I have seen so many bands over the last few months, it’s just crazy. But music is my life blood afterall and going to concerts and seeing some of the bands and people that I look up to is just amazing and lifts my spirits so much. Some of the bands I have seen include: Chimaira, In This Moment, Saviors, Goatwhore, Skeletonwitch, Kingdom of Sorrow, Kataklsym, 3 Inches of Blood, Lamb of God, Drowning Pool, Five Finger Death Punch, Rob Zombie, Megadeth, Black Label Society, Slayer, DevilDriver, and TestAmenT. Metalhead I am, lol.

One thing though that I’ve noticed more and more when I go to shows anymore is that Isobelle is ever present in my mind. Like, especially at the big outdoor fests, there are many attractive women, women who dress in incredible sexy “rockstar” style. I see these women and girls and all I think about is how much I would love to go to a show dressed like that. I even had a very vivid dream about one such girl I saw and met at Ozzfest. In this dream, which was just so vivid, I was her, at the concert. It was so real because I envisioned the clothes she was wearing, I could feel them on me, feel their tightness, and consequently, felt myself getting hot in them, lol. This dream was just so pleasant, me being her, walking around adoring all the attention I was getting from all the guys. It was just incredible.

Aside from that stuff I’ve been having a tough time with my feelings. Things have been eating at me, on my mind constantly. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t dwell on thoughts of being female, living life as a woman, the transition process, thoughts on how and what that would mean for my life. When I stand in front of a mirror, I do not really like the refection that I see. I’ll strike a feminine pose, then it looks better.

I have never really been comfortable or satisfied with the way I look, with the way my body is. It was during puberty that I really paid more attention to my body than any time before that, and I can remember never liking my body, never satisfied. At the time I just knew I did not like my body. I did not know how to make it so I would like it. Years later as I began to lose weight I became slightly more accepting, but there was still something off. I even tried weight lifting and muscle building a few times. I had noticeable effects from that, but that did not solve my discomfort either. Now I’m beginning to understand where the discomfort lies, where the dislike comes from, why I am not satisfied. My body is male. Yesterday I found some time to dress, just simple clothes but femme, and as I looked at myself in the mirror, complete with padding to imitate breasts, I could feel tears welling in my eyes. I liked what I saw. What I saw in my reflection was comforting.

Things like that reassure my belief that all this is not just some elaborate fantasy in my mind. It is something way more. It is something that goes beyond my mind into my heart and soul. And with that comes a question. A question that I think I know the answer to but I’m scared to admit. Scared because the path ahead of that answer is unknown, potentially very rough, the ending uncertain. Am I transsexual?

But I need to know the answer for sure. Something in me just tells me I need to know. So I’ll keep pushing myself to dig deeper into my mind, into my heart and soul. I’ll keep exploring. I’m not sure what having the answer will mean though. But I’ll keep searching then as well. Afterall, life is a journey and if we stop searching, stop moving forward, then that means we have given up and accepted a life that is not our own, we live a life where the true person inside you is never known and you are never really “you.”

I'm not Gone

Well it feels like I've dropped completely off the TG world. I mean I have not made a new caption in what seems like forever, it's been over a month since I posted anything here, and the chat and forums I'm usually on, I don't go to much anymore. So what's the deal? What's going on with me?

Well to be completely honest, I've just felt out of it. Normal everyday life has just gotten me worn out. I think I need a vacation from work. lol But seriously, the reason I've not been around much is because I've got a lot going on right now and I just don't feel like talking and bringing my problems or trails in life to the feet of others. I'm very independent, my friends know this lol, I ask for help only as a last option when I can't figure it out myself. But the things I've got going on right now are things that I alone have to deal with.

It's nothing bad I don't think. Work is wearing on me. I try to avoid the stress involved with it, but sometimes it's quite impossible in order to do your job and do it the right way. Although it seems more and more that my job is just not working out. It's not what I want to do or deal with. Fortunately I feel that my time at this particular job is closing in on it's end.

Yeah, I'm going back to college. Taking a summer online course right now. Which is another reason why I have not been around. Dealing with getting this set up, and now the course work. But for now, I'm just focusing on getting my Associates Degree. Which if all goes well I'll have it in August. :) Depending on where I go from there, career wise, I may or may not continue to work to get my Bachelors Degree.

So as I think about it, things do seem to be turning toward a positive direction in my life. Changes are still taking place within me and with my life, which back in May I thought my life was headed in a changing direction. :) Although for the time being, until I finish this course, I'm sorta putting things tied to TG and exploring/understanding it more, on hold. I need to focus on getting a degree right now. I feel it is the most important thing I can do right now.

So with all that, I should expect to be back with updates more often, and be around more in August. So until then, kisses to all. :)

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some work and studying to do for this online course. :)

Thoughts, questions, comments? Post 'em below or feel free to send me an email. :)

Live for the Moment

So today was... Well I don't know any exact word to describe it. It was kinda all over the place emotional wise. The day started off very stressful at work, but I tried to remain positive, but as the morning wore on, my patience wore off. I slowly slipped into an anger/depressed/hate my life state. Not good by any means. So I began trying things to change my mood. I ate some lunch, no help, tried thinking of happy things, no help, even music did not help. So I left myself in silence. This lasted a few hours but out of nowhere I snapped out of it as a thought popped into my head. A glorious thought that saved my day.

What was this thought? Simple. Why should I care that much about work, why should I let it get me so worked up over it? Why? All it is there for is a method for me to make money. I should not let it consume my life. My life should not be about a meaningless job in which I will not make any impact whatsoever. My life should be about me and what I really want. I should not worry so much about my past or what sort of impact things I do today should have on tomorrow. Live for the moment, do what you feel is right at the time. But what if you do is wrong, or a mistake? Simple, learn from it.

I then started to think about me being different and how sometimes I get thoughts of wanting to just be normal. And I said to myself "Why the fuck would you ever want to be normal? Being different makes life fun and interesting and unpredictable. Being different made you the person you are, embrace it." And then a thought sent a chill down my spine. I thought "Well being transgender makes me different right? Right. It's about as different as I can be. Being transgender is a part of who I am, it makes me, me. Why should I keep trying to figure out the why and focus more on the what. As in what can I do with this, what does being transgender mean for my life?"

My random and lightning quick thinking paused as a chill ran down my spine. It is true. I should stop trying to figure out why I am the way I am. Just let it be because I'll prolly never know the answer. Or maybe it is as simple as several have told me, that my mind is that of a female and it's trapped in a male body. Whatevers. I need to focus more on what being transgender is going to mean for my life. As of right now I have no idea as this ideal of thinking only entered my mind a few hours ago.

But all this quickly elevated my mood to that of being happy. I wore a smile on my face for the rest of the day, even up until now. I turned to music to help me proclaim my happiness. I needed one song inparticular to start off my new way of thinking. Live for the Moment.

Thoughts, questions, comments? Post 'em below or email me. :)

Spring is Here

So there have been several things that have happened to me since my last post here. Things that, well at least some of them, I'd consider big steps. On a whole my attitude and mood have been positive. Afterall it is spring time and it's hard to stay down when the world around you is breathing new life unto itself. Aside from my allergies, lol, I love spring time. New life, new beginnings, fresh starts, new attitudes, it is a time of rebirth. And in all honesty, I feel that I am on the verge of a rebirth myself. It may not be my body that gets a rebirth, but more of my attitude and the way I perceive myself.

So I'll start with something that happened today. It was one of those days at work that you just wish never happened, just uggghhhhhhhh be over already!! So I got home, in a bitter mood, but was thankful to be home. I had not planned it, or even thought about it, but I found myself with some alone time and before I even realized what I was doing I was pulling out things to dress. I needed it. I had an opportunity and I took full advantage of it. I didn't go all out though, just something simple and easy. Bra, panties, a simple dress and my new boots. I felt right in the clothes even though my body did not match them, I felt right. I noticed as I walked around in my heeled boots that walking feminine is beginning to feel more natural to me. I do practice quite often when no one is around. So I sat down and was just enjoying my time dressed en fem and I realized something. I'm not really a dress kinda girl. Sure I'd wear them for special occasions and whatnot, but like for an everyday clothing item, no way. I'd be much more of a pants or even skirt girl. And it's not like I felt wrong in it, it was just like I looked at myself and it was not my style. I know, I'm soooo weird. I'd still totally rock the boots though. lol.

Speaking of my new boots, I got them two weekends ago. I am very proud of them. One because I just love them. Knee high patent leather boots with a 4 inch heel. Like OMG!! I love them! lol. But I think I am most proud of them because these are the first pieces of women's attire that I have purchased in public. I mean it's so easy to buy online or the ever popular "borrowing", but to actually go to a store, with other people in it, and buy fem items is really hard, especially for your first time. But I did it. I was very proud of myself for getting the courage to do it.

And with the whole courage theme I did something this past weekend that I never imagined myself doing, while being male anyway. Something came over me about two weeks ago that told me I need to do this. It was definitely not my male side at all, it was coming from my female side. I still do not know why or where this urge came from, all I know is I acted on it and did it. I am speaking of course of getting my ears pierced. I know it is not uncommon for a guy to get them pierced, but I just never pictured me, as a guy, getting them done. But here I sit typing this with a metal half circle hanging from each ear lobe. The interesting thing is really nobody has said anything about them. Not even my work. But that is a big relief. I was so worried about what others would say or how they would react. I mean I was not even worried about the actual piercing part.

I was actually looking forward to it. Getting my ears pierced is the first time I've ever done something to my body that can be considered body modification. And I look at it and it was not really that big of a deal. I mean I kinda want more piercings now, lol. Damn you work and your restrictions. lol. But I think it's good that I have taken a step and altered my body in some way. I consider it a small step towards bigger things if they ever come.

So a bit of an update on that hair cutting thing I mentioned a while back. I refuse to cut my hair. I just cannot do it, I can't sacrifice part of who I am. So I did not get the advancement because of my decision. Ohh well. I'm actually thinking of starting to look for another job anyways. This one is just not what I was hoping it would be. But such is trial and error.

I suppose the good thing is I'm still trying to look on the bright side of things. I've been really listening to alot of music lately, and not just like passively listening, but really listening to the music and lyrics. It helps me alot, it keeps me positive (however negative the lyrics :P ), and it just gives me an energy, a vibe that nothing else in life can give me. I guess that proves once again that above all music is my life blood. :)

Thoughts, Questions, Comments? Post 'em here or email me. :)