Going Deeper and Deeper...

Well it’s been almost near forever since I last made a post here. A lot has happened in the past two months, well maybe not that much, but I’ve been busy nonetheless. Busy in all areas of my life too. So just a warning now that this may be longer and please excuse my rambling. :)

I guess I’ll start with things that have made me happy, kept me positive. I’ve been spending more time with my friends in real life. They don’t know about Isobelle, but it is just nice to have friends who you can be around and just be yourself, well almost yourself, lol. But I do enjoy the time I spend with them. It just seems that when we are together having a good time, everything else in the world just takes a back seat, ya know? Problems, jobs, worries, anything that concerns you just disappears. I like the carefree time we share together.

I kinda got obsessed with two video games since last time. I’ve never been much of a gamer, though I do always manage to keep up with current gaming technology. I do have a PS3 and a 360 which I got earlier this year. For the most part they both just sat and collected dust, I would play a game or two occasionally. But that has changed. A friend of mine introduced me to two games that I’ve been playing nonstop. Mass Effect and Mass Effect 2. I just can’t stop playing them. I don’t know what it is about them but they just attract me in some way.

But the biggest thing that has kept my happy going is music. I have seen so many bands over the last few months, it’s just crazy. But music is my life blood afterall and going to concerts and seeing some of the bands and people that I look up to is just amazing and lifts my spirits so much. Some of the bands I have seen include: Chimaira, In This Moment, Saviors, Goatwhore, Skeletonwitch, Kingdom of Sorrow, Kataklsym, 3 Inches of Blood, Lamb of God, Drowning Pool, Five Finger Death Punch, Rob Zombie, Megadeth, Black Label Society, Slayer, DevilDriver, and TestAmenT. Metalhead I am, lol.

One thing though that I’ve noticed more and more when I go to shows anymore is that Isobelle is ever present in my mind. Like, especially at the big outdoor fests, there are many attractive women, women who dress in incredible sexy “rockstar” style. I see these women and girls and all I think about is how much I would love to go to a show dressed like that. I even had a very vivid dream about one such girl I saw and met at Ozzfest. In this dream, which was just so vivid, I was her, at the concert. It was so real because I envisioned the clothes she was wearing, I could feel them on me, feel their tightness, and consequently, felt myself getting hot in them, lol. This dream was just so pleasant, me being her, walking around adoring all the attention I was getting from all the guys. It was just incredible.

Aside from that stuff I’ve been having a tough time with my feelings. Things have been eating at me, on my mind constantly. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t dwell on thoughts of being female, living life as a woman, the transition process, thoughts on how and what that would mean for my life. When I stand in front of a mirror, I do not really like the refection that I see. I’ll strike a feminine pose, then it looks better.

I have never really been comfortable or satisfied with the way I look, with the way my body is. It was during puberty that I really paid more attention to my body than any time before that, and I can remember never liking my body, never satisfied. At the time I just knew I did not like my body. I did not know how to make it so I would like it. Years later as I began to lose weight I became slightly more accepting, but there was still something off. I even tried weight lifting and muscle building a few times. I had noticeable effects from that, but that did not solve my discomfort either. Now I’m beginning to understand where the discomfort lies, where the dislike comes from, why I am not satisfied. My body is male. Yesterday I found some time to dress, just simple clothes but femme, and as I looked at myself in the mirror, complete with padding to imitate breasts, I could feel tears welling in my eyes. I liked what I saw. What I saw in my reflection was comforting.

Things like that reassure my belief that all this is not just some elaborate fantasy in my mind. It is something way more. It is something that goes beyond my mind into my heart and soul. And with that comes a question. A question that I think I know the answer to but I’m scared to admit. Scared because the path ahead of that answer is unknown, potentially very rough, the ending uncertain. Am I transsexual?

But I need to know the answer for sure. Something in me just tells me I need to know. So I’ll keep pushing myself to dig deeper into my mind, into my heart and soul. I’ll keep exploring. I’m not sure what having the answer will mean though. But I’ll keep searching then as well. Afterall, life is a journey and if we stop searching, stop moving forward, then that means we have given up and accepted a life that is not our own, we live a life where the true person inside you is never known and you are never really “you.”

I'm not Gone

Well it feels like I've dropped completely off the TG world. I mean I have not made a new caption in what seems like forever, it's been over a month since I posted anything here, and the chat and forums I'm usually on, I don't go to much anymore. So what's the deal? What's going on with me?

Well to be completely honest, I've just felt out of it. Normal everyday life has just gotten me worn out. I think I need a vacation from work. lol But seriously, the reason I've not been around much is because I've got a lot going on right now and I just don't feel like talking and bringing my problems or trails in life to the feet of others. I'm very independent, my friends know this lol, I ask for help only as a last option when I can't figure it out myself. But the things I've got going on right now are things that I alone have to deal with.

It's nothing bad I don't think. Work is wearing on me. I try to avoid the stress involved with it, but sometimes it's quite impossible in order to do your job and do it the right way. Although it seems more and more that my job is just not working out. It's not what I want to do or deal with. Fortunately I feel that my time at this particular job is closing in on it's end.

Yeah, I'm going back to college. Taking a summer online course right now. Which is another reason why I have not been around. Dealing with getting this set up, and now the course work. But for now, I'm just focusing on getting my Associates Degree. Which if all goes well I'll have it in August. :) Depending on where I go from there, career wise, I may or may not continue to work to get my Bachelors Degree.

So as I think about it, things do seem to be turning toward a positive direction in my life. Changes are still taking place within me and with my life, which back in May I thought my life was headed in a changing direction. :) Although for the time being, until I finish this course, I'm sorta putting things tied to TG and exploring/understanding it more, on hold. I need to focus on getting a degree right now. I feel it is the most important thing I can do right now.

So with all that, I should expect to be back with updates more often, and be around more in August. So until then, kisses to all. :)

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some work and studying to do for this online course. :)

Thoughts, questions, comments? Post 'em below or feel free to send me an email. :)

Live for the Moment

So today was... Well I don't know any exact word to describe it. It was kinda all over the place emotional wise. The day started off very stressful at work, but I tried to remain positive, but as the morning wore on, my patience wore off. I slowly slipped into an anger/depressed/hate my life state. Not good by any means. So I began trying things to change my mood. I ate some lunch, no help, tried thinking of happy things, no help, even music did not help. So I left myself in silence. This lasted a few hours but out of nowhere I snapped out of it as a thought popped into my head. A glorious thought that saved my day.

What was this thought? Simple. Why should I care that much about work, why should I let it get me so worked up over it? Why? All it is there for is a method for me to make money. I should not let it consume my life. My life should not be about a meaningless job in which I will not make any impact whatsoever. My life should be about me and what I really want. I should not worry so much about my past or what sort of impact things I do today should have on tomorrow. Live for the moment, do what you feel is right at the time. But what if you do is wrong, or a mistake? Simple, learn from it.

I then started to think about me being different and how sometimes I get thoughts of wanting to just be normal. And I said to myself "Why the fuck would you ever want to be normal? Being different makes life fun and interesting and unpredictable. Being different made you the person you are, embrace it." And then a thought sent a chill down my spine. I thought "Well being transgender makes me different right? Right. It's about as different as I can be. Being transgender is a part of who I am, it makes me, me. Why should I keep trying to figure out the why and focus more on the what. As in what can I do with this, what does being transgender mean for my life?"

My random and lightning quick thinking paused as a chill ran down my spine. It is true. I should stop trying to figure out why I am the way I am. Just let it be because I'll prolly never know the answer. Or maybe it is as simple as several have told me, that my mind is that of a female and it's trapped in a male body. Whatevers. I need to focus more on what being transgender is going to mean for my life. As of right now I have no idea as this ideal of thinking only entered my mind a few hours ago.

But all this quickly elevated my mood to that of being happy. I wore a smile on my face for the rest of the day, even up until now. I turned to music to help me proclaim my happiness. I needed one song inparticular to start off my new way of thinking. Live for the Moment.

Thoughts, questions, comments? Post 'em below or email me. :)

Spring is Here

So there have been several things that have happened to me since my last post here. Things that, well at least some of them, I'd consider big steps. On a whole my attitude and mood have been positive. Afterall it is spring time and it's hard to stay down when the world around you is breathing new life unto itself. Aside from my allergies, lol, I love spring time. New life, new beginnings, fresh starts, new attitudes, it is a time of rebirth. And in all honesty, I feel that I am on the verge of a rebirth myself. It may not be my body that gets a rebirth, but more of my attitude and the way I perceive myself.

So I'll start with something that happened today. It was one of those days at work that you just wish never happened, just uggghhhhhhhh be over already!! So I got home, in a bitter mood, but was thankful to be home. I had not planned it, or even thought about it, but I found myself with some alone time and before I even realized what I was doing I was pulling out things to dress. I needed it. I had an opportunity and I took full advantage of it. I didn't go all out though, just something simple and easy. Bra, panties, a simple dress and my new boots. I felt right in the clothes even though my body did not match them, I felt right. I noticed as I walked around in my heeled boots that walking feminine is beginning to feel more natural to me. I do practice quite often when no one is around. So I sat down and was just enjoying my time dressed en fem and I realized something. I'm not really a dress kinda girl. Sure I'd wear them for special occasions and whatnot, but like for an everyday clothing item, no way. I'd be much more of a pants or even skirt girl. And it's not like I felt wrong in it, it was just like I looked at myself and it was not my style. I know, I'm soooo weird. I'd still totally rock the boots though. lol.

Speaking of my new boots, I got them two weekends ago. I am very proud of them. One because I just love them. Knee high patent leather boots with a 4 inch heel. Like OMG!! I love them! lol. But I think I am most proud of them because these are the first pieces of women's attire that I have purchased in public. I mean it's so easy to buy online or the ever popular "borrowing", but to actually go to a store, with other people in it, and buy fem items is really hard, especially for your first time. But I did it. I was very proud of myself for getting the courage to do it.

And with the whole courage theme I did something this past weekend that I never imagined myself doing, while being male anyway. Something came over me about two weeks ago that told me I need to do this. It was definitely not my male side at all, it was coming from my female side. I still do not know why or where this urge came from, all I know is I acted on it and did it. I am speaking of course of getting my ears pierced. I know it is not uncommon for a guy to get them pierced, but I just never pictured me, as a guy, getting them done. But here I sit typing this with a metal half circle hanging from each ear lobe. The interesting thing is really nobody has said anything about them. Not even my work. But that is a big relief. I was so worried about what others would say or how they would react. I mean I was not even worried about the actual piercing part.

I was actually looking forward to it. Getting my ears pierced is the first time I've ever done something to my body that can be considered body modification. And I look at it and it was not really that big of a deal. I mean I kinda want more piercings now, lol. Damn you work and your restrictions. lol. But I think it's good that I have taken a step and altered my body in some way. I consider it a small step towards bigger things if they ever come.

So a bit of an update on that hair cutting thing I mentioned a while back. I refuse to cut my hair. I just cannot do it, I can't sacrifice part of who I am. So I did not get the advancement because of my decision. Ohh well. I'm actually thinking of starting to look for another job anyways. This one is just not what I was hoping it would be. But such is trial and error.

I suppose the good thing is I'm still trying to look on the bright side of things. I've been really listening to alot of music lately, and not just like passively listening, but really listening to the music and lyrics. It helps me alot, it keeps me positive (however negative the lyrics :P ), and it just gives me an energy, a vibe that nothing else in life can give me. I guess that proves once again that above all music is my life blood. :)

Thoughts, Questions, Comments? Post 'em here or email me. :)

Stuck in a Hole

I feel like I'm stuck in a hole. Really I do. I noticed this as I looked around at my living space and noticed I have not really cleaned in a very long time. It's not like it is horrible or I'm a slob, just things out of place, stuff I've bought and have not found homes for yet, laundry not put away, and my desk... Just a complete mess.

Stuff like that, and it got to me. So I've been cleaning up today and as I am cleaning I started to wonder why. Why did I let it get so bad? The answer is simple. I feel like I've been stuck in a hole. I just have felt like I have no motivation to do really anything. And I know why. My desire is consuming me. I have days where I just do not feel right in my male shell. I have times where I will be in good spirits and all of a sudden come crashing down and I just kinda mope around and don't do anything.

Everyday I have thoughts about being or becoming female. And its not like one or two during the day, they are there most of the day, from some of the first thoughts when I wake up, to some of the last thoughts I have before I go to sleep. Nothing really distracts them either. Anywhere I go, anything I do, they are there. Work, hanging out with friends, going to a concert, playing with myself, anywhere and anything. But especially when I play. I cannot see myself as a male in a sexual situation, all I see is me as the girl. I've tried to picture myself as the guy, but it was like it didn't even turn me on at all and I quickly turned it around to where I was the girl.

So I feel like I'm stuck in a hole because I honestly don't know what to do next, or how to get myself out. I don't like being in this state I'm in. In this state my life feels like it has stalled, like I'm not going anywhere. I feel like I need to do something, but what? Maybe look for a new job, one that would bring in more money so I can move out on my own? Maybe look into seeing on what I need to finish getting a degree? Maybe seek out support groups and try to express my female side more? Maybe wrap this up and get back to cleaning and go from there? lol.

One last bit before I wrap this up though. This has to do with Alexia's comment. I kinda wanted to say something in my next post as opposed to commenting back, more people might read it this way. Anyway... I have taken quite a few of those online gender test thingies. Around 90% of the time I get either female or 50/50 result. I know most of them are not meant to use as a deciding test, but the results make me think cause I get the same results most of the time. Another thing, labels. I don't really like them and really don't like them applied to me. Mostly because labels do not tell the whole story and you don't always fit all the definitions of the label. With that being said there are really only two labels I accept for me right now. One is transgender. I fit that, that is me. Although it did take me some time to accept it, I feel it was an important step in my journey to say I am a transgender person. The other label is one I have been so proud to call myself, and this label I openly accepted and wanted. It is metalhead. A follower of metal music and one who lives their life for the music. For those of you out there who know me, you know that I am in love with metal music and the lifestyle associated with it and that I proudly show it. :) Up until my acceptance of transgender, it was the only label I knew I agreed with 100%.

Now back to cleaning...

Thoughts, comments, questions? Post them below or feel free to email me. :)

Conflikted

Well first I would like to clarify something. I have been getting some confused reactions to my last post. Yes I believe myself to be transgender. But what does that mean exactly? It does not mean at this point that I will be transitioning. That may or may not come in the future. But right now I consider myself transgendered because I feel that my outside gender does not always match my inside one. Like I feel that the label female better describes me than male. I hope that clears up any confusion.

I've been having a rough time lately. These thoughts of wanting to be female have just really hit me hard. I feel like I'm fighting myself. Male versus female. Neither side ever wins. And each time I feel so down after each battle. Sometimes to the point of tears. And this struggle is all about becoming female, like going through a transition. I know that I would want to, but there are so many things about it that just scare the shit out of me. Like will I be accepted, will I be able to find a job not only to live but to pay for everything involved, will I still have a family, is it really what I want, could I really be happy with my body being female? The fear of the unknowns. And there are so many of them. I guess I still have a lot of searching and thinking to do. I feel so conflicted...

Anyway, I've been looking to music as a guide once again in my life. I'd like to share some lyrics that have made me think or have given me something.

Sevendust - Waffle

Bring me a light, Make my life worth something more, Show me a light, Bring me a light

...

I need to find a meaning, I'm useless, I'm useless, Trapped inside my own web

Metallica - Until it Sleeps

Where do I take this pain of mine? I run but it stays right by my side, So tear me open pour me out, There's things inside that scream and shout ... Just like the curse just like the stray, you feed it once and now it stays ... So tell me why you've chosen me, Don't want you grip your greed

Five Finger Death Punch - Never Enough

I'd rather hate you for everything you are, Then ever love you for something you are not, I'd rather you hate me for everything I am, Then have you love me for something that I can't

In Flames - Touch of Red

Reaching depths of clarity, I'm not supposed to be like this, I should be on top of the world, Is there anybody out there like me?

I followed - something's missing, Self control - forcing me down, Whispers consume the air, Above her I'm endless

When the rain comes falling, I'll freeze I'm so afraid, When things start to flood me, I'll drown in seconds

Fear - there's a way out, Touch of red, Break away, Nothing has it all, Bury the place I've been, I fear there's a way out

As if I ever had a choice, All in the hands of the energy, Once again I feel the quicksand, Shallow me tonight I won't stuggle

Fear - there's a way out, Touch of red, Break away, Nothing has it all, Bury the place I've been, I fear there's a way out

Fear Factory - Fear Campaign

Fear is the enemy on my path

...

What do you fear? Fear is your god!

And my favorite lyric of all that always makes me feel stronger and just makes me proud that this is the way I live.

Sepultura - Attitude

Live your life and not the way they taught you. Do what you feel!

Thoughts, comments, questions? Post 'em below or feel free to email me.

Revalations

So there is a few things that I have learned/realized about myself since my last post here. I feel that these are some pretty big things that have come forth. What they will mean to me? Only time can tell...

First, my desire to be female has gotten very strong. So strong that over the past few weeks, several times has my desire brought me to tears. And not just watery eyes tears, but full on break down and let it all out tears too. I think about it constantly too. I don't even try to think about it and it's in my head. Sometimes happy thoughts, sometimes thoughts that just bring me down.

I think I underestimated the deepness of my desire when a few months back I thought it was just something of a phase I was going through. I thought I was spending too much time around the online stories and captions and it was getting to me. But when I stepped away and tried to not pay attention to this stuff online, it was still there in me. It did not go away, it was not quiet. Maybe I was foolish to think that it would just go away, or go back to being what I thought was just a fetish. Truth is that it's not going away, it just keeps growing and growing.

As a point to prove that, I think I have been really ignoring alot that has led me to this point in my journey. For instance, I have a tendency to downplay my past, my teen years and what I did. There was a period of time when dressing almost became an obsession to me. I had to feel the clothes on me, I just had to. I needed it. It was like a drug. I never went as far as putting on makeup and getting myself all done up, I just needed the clothes. I can remember when I had the clothes on, I sorta felt natural in them. I still have that. I guess my point is that these feeling of wanting to be female, to feel female are nothing new. They have been with me for a long time now. And then I realized something that made me stop in my tracks.

I was talking to Kathryn a few days ago. As we were talking, the subject came up about the first time we were aroused so much that we came. So when it was my turn to share my story, I went back and dug through my mind. I remembered it as if it were yesterday. I was around 13 years old at the time. I was laying in bed one night, could not sleep. My mind was just wandering from one thing to the next. Out of no where I got this image in my head of the outfit that Princess Leia wore when she was the slave girl. (Yeah I know, major Star Wars nerd :P ) I remember seeing the outfit, but it was not on Leia. Now up until this point of my remembering I had always thought I came to a vision of slave girl Leia. But that is not the truth. I guess at the time I just overlooked it cause it was my first time. But anyway, as I recalled that night, that thought, I realized something. I saw the outfit, but not on Leia. I remember the wondering what it would feel like to have an outfit like that around my skin. The first time I came was to a thought of me being feminine. I seriously just stopped all I was doing and just sat there. I ran the night through my head again, same outcome. It couldn't be, could it? All this time, all these years, my desire has always been there.

Recently I met a post-op MtF TS online. We have been talking. She told me something that another post-op told me online once before. She said that the feeing I have, the things I feel inside me, she had the same feelings. I was shocked, but at the same time sorta expected that. I believe my desire runs far deeper than what I have thought. Or maybe I've just been in denial?

Whatever it is I have made a decision. I looked back at where I've been and where I am now. And I know it's gonna be, "Well duh. I could have told you that." but I have never said it before. I guess I've been sorta afraid of using the term about me, maybe scared of what it could mean. But I'm going to take a deep breath and say it...

I am transgendered.

There, I said it. What it means from here I have no idea. All I know is that my desire keeps building within me and at some point I'll be faced with a decision. Quite possibly the toughest decision life will throw at me. It won't be easy, but I know it is coming...

Thoughts, questions, comments? Post them below or feel free to email me.